Sorry its a long one

As most of you know my Dad recently became very sick and we found out its non small cell lung cancer. He has stayed outta the hospital as inpatient or ER for a month and half now THANK GOD!!!!! But hes going thru Chemo every 21 days hes done 3 of the 6 rounds now so half way thru, no longer getting fluid off his lung so the lung drain comes out next week and they are putting a port in his chest for the chemo and IVs etc. He also has A Fib now from the cancer and all the fluid that builds up on him, he went from in beginining of May to taking ZERO meds to being on many many meds now couple times a day plus b12 shots for the chemo and the chemo and a shot that goes off on his arm day after chemo (10 grand on that shot alone). Very stressed becasue medicare and his supplement dont pay all and its already 2 months in over 20 grand in copays and still coming in. I been doing a go fund me to help them but most do not have money to give right now but some have donated and some do send donations in check to my address in their name (i do not give out their address outta respect). So now i also have the stress of i need to make out thank you cards and i keep stalling because im so drained. I cook all their meals except once a week my friends been making them dinner for 2 months now on weds now it goes to every other week becuase shes so busy with her 2 young kids and is an RN at the ER. i am SO grateful to her though and shes given them rides out of town for dad to get tests done because  moms too stressed to drive in the city. We live in a small farming community we go 2 to 3 towns over for anything but its only about a 10 min maybe 15 mins drive each way which around here is no big deal. Only i cant drive and my fiance is trying to get a car so we rely on rides from mom dad can not drive right now or from my best friend. But we dont go much of anywhere right now unless its for dad. Mom picks up my scripts or my best friend does. Except my norco i have to pick up the paper script myself and see the nurse but she comes to the car to keep me away from others. We are all mostly quarantining other than Dads appts and 2 to 3 grocery trips a month i do 2 Matt does 1. Sorry this is long already. And my mom pays me for her food i cook the cost of food that is and gives me some from her house to cook with due to use being on food stamps right now. My fiance started a new job last week hes been looking since he moved here new years eve and its going good. He likes the contractor hes working with and the job is fun to him so thats good, if it works out it will be a long term job. Gettign into all this for a reason. May 28th 2011 my late husband was in a horrific car crash that left him severely disabled, quadleplegic, 5 TBIs (traumatic brain injuries) Broken pelvis in many areas, his bad had ruptured discs, and a cracked skull, brain stem injuries, he had to learn everything all over again and was in a coma at first. He came out of the coma on memorial day the 31st of May that year. He could not talk at first just squeeze my hand, he knew me though and they thought that would be impossible, they never thought hed live and i was told from the start he would die from injuries eventually, and i told noone that. This was a man who bruitally beat me all hte time and demeaned me in everyway and raped me for years, but i stood by him, finally he was leaning to talk again, then had to learn to write, swallow, never got to really learn to use a bathroom, it was coming but slow, he could not speak well but was leanring and would lose his words. He went to speech OT and PT each 3 time a week once he came home, he didnt come home until Jan 16 2012 and i had to move 4 1/2 hours away for him to come home to get him what he needed nad have a brain specialist near by. My now fiance was alreayd a friend and lived near by so would sit with him so i could at least rest a bit during the day because the first 2months i had help only 4 hours a day. I had to sleep with a baby monitor on me. And one day he chose to try to walk when he could not walk and fell and i had to call 911 to get him up after that i didnt sleep. There was so many ER and hospital visits, he finally was eating again he had a feeding tube for about a year. My life was hell but i took everyone else even says very loving and exceptional care of him and he STILL controlled me even the way he was. He knew how to use the situation to get me to do anything cuz i felt so bad for him. I could be in so much pain i was almost in tears but he would in sisit i got him stuffa nd cooked for him not the CNAs cuz after 2 months we got htem in tehre 24/7 because i was sturggling to transfer him etc and really needed help. Matt my now fiance would clean for us and help with Lee etc. When one night we had no coverage for hte 12 hour night shift he sat up all night with me to tkae care of Lee. i had no feelings of love towrads Matt at that point that happened later when i was at my lowest in 2016 and suicidal and h ewould sit up with me all night online to help me never giving up on me. back to Lee, one day i had mom visiting and she and i were shopping and the cna calls me Lees bp was 28/52 i had her call 911 we left the cart and got home. Got him to the hosptial they said he had a UTI and not sure what else. We get home (hopsital was 45 mins away that he went too) and just crawl in bed and the hosptial calls come quick we had to revivie him 4 times hes septic and dying. GOt there nad he was bad losing oxygen to his brain on completle life support it happened so fast and i put a DNR on him. They then found toxic mega colon they wanted to do surgery to possibly save him i didnt wanna do it he was alreayd dying nad the surgery could kill him faster but the surgeon guilt tripped me into signing the papers. He came thru it then an hour later they said he was gettign worse. I was sobbing my mom was hodling me the main dr comes in i said what do i do becasue i was told i needed to make a choise she said i cant tell you what to do i said im 28 years old, i do not know how to make this choice, she looks at me and softly says you didnt hear it from me but if he lives he will be a vegetable at best, i would not do that to my husband. i told her to pull the plug basically. She said og to the bathroom take a break and come back while i pull it all it takes about 5 hours for people to die when you pull life support in this case. I get in the bathroom doing even go in a stall and the nurse comes screaming for me and my mom hes going now! He was gone within 5 minuts. I held him sobbing while mom held me sobbing herself her heart shattered for me. Once we left and i wa in th wors tpain flare i ever had mom had to lift my legs in and out of the car and help me get in my back was SO bad. and it stayed that way for 2 weeks eeven with 2 er visits, becasue of the stress. Once we got in the car and the worst snow storm mom ever drove in (lake effect snow too) mom said i passed out before we left the parking lot and it took her 2 hours to go 45 mins. She almost pulled into a hotel but we had my dog and cats at the house so she kept going. I keep getting flashbacks of all this. Yes i greived a man that beat me etc and he was goign to go thru on a gun sale the day after hte acidnet happened i am glad it never happened. I truly believe God chose to save my life and Let Lee get in that accidnet and freed me by letting him die. I do not belive he is in heaven i believe hes in hell . BUT with all that dads going thru the PTSD of 19 months of hell after Lees accidnet is haunting me. I saw my shrink 2 days ago online and he said my kloonopin is no longer PRN bu tnow one when i get up and one mid afternoon if that doesnt help call him in a week. I  am having feelings of wanting to cut (strong feelings) often. My fiance is so good iwth me about it and friends i talk to online. I know he worries when working about me being along he texts and checks on me so i am trying to be strong for his sake. My life is wonderful now but with dad bieng so sick etc its bringing it all back and thats what my shrink said too. I just really needs upport bad right now.