Arfie, I can really relate to what you wrote here when you said "All those spaces, little and large, where life just didn't turn out like I'd planned and/or wished." You and I have both sat in Alanon rooms, and I remember when we discussed in meetings together the concept "plan plans, don't plan results." It's a hard one to apply when you've lived it long enough, I get what you're saying. All I can do to balance out the bitterness for plans with bad results is to be grateful for good results that when beyond my plans, too, which is why every day ends with a gratitude journal for me.

Not sure if it helps but I can relate as I am working through my past. Feels like it is a constant emotional rollercoaster. Not much anger but definitely a sense that this is not what I wanted in life. Not sure if it helps, but for me, I try to recognize the little happy moments when I am feeling a low coming. Then I think about how the trauma provides a greater appreciation of those happy moments.

You're entitled to grieve.

Years before having kids, we all dream of what it will be like, the mistakes we won't make, the mistakes our kids won't make. We'll give them, maybe not the best of everything, but good enough, better than we had, and things will go great.

And then they don't...


(((The pain of that is etched in my soul. The fear, the terror, the anger, the anger at him, the anger at myself. The fear. The deep soul crunching sadness.)))

"Welcome to Holland" was written for parents of kids with disabilities. But I think that it's pretty applicable for anytime things 'go differently'.

https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/a1/0f/34/a10f34890612866855511463689af8c8.png&imgrefurl=https://www.pinterest.com/pin/34621490862426227/&h=1426&w=1102&tbnid=Cg6ztHDynwpXQM:&tbnh=186&tbnw=143&usg=__5RrwRFhAwpcQKlwZeUMCce4yKrM=&vet=10ahUKEwjo5LWP5p3XAhVJ6yYKHUrCA9oQ_B0IfDAK..i&docid=qjH5pk4zGRsFvM&itg=1&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjo5LWP5p3XAhVJ6yYKHUrCA9oQ_B0IfDAK

Gentle hugs <3

I'm not familiar with your story regarding kids and stuff but I can say, as parents, we all want better and want do-overs many times throughout the years. It's easy to get stuck on that loop too because they're pretty important people to us,..ones we are responsible for whether physically responsible or emotionally. (emotionally as in you feel you have a responsibility to guide and help whenever you can).

Whether there were internal or external injustices it's easy, again, to get stuck on the loop of blaming and honestly to god rightful anger. I'm glad you're using mindfulness because I know all to well that that anger, a sub-emotion to hurt, does absolutely nothing for your mental health today, in the now.

Maybe looking at all the right things you've done, listing them if you could, will help you realize how unnecessary it is to focus on something that you would change if you could, but you can't so you won't. I hope this helps.

Just hugs and to say its ok to feel how u do.

Sorry you have to go through this. I am glad to see your mindfulness tools are working ok for you so far. I think flashes of anger bursting through sadness and grief is normal. Part of the healing process.

Maybe you are just reaching for an ear. We are listening.

Gentle hugs for you sweetie..... I sure hear you and at least for me Patti nailed it with 'grief'..... Another hug.....xo

I am sorry you're going through these emotions. I often go through similar things after seeing my son. I miss him terribly. I did my part. I raised him and he turned out to be independent and very, very smart. And when I get to spend time with him, I'm rejuvenated. And when he leaves, I'm so very sad. Like you, I think about all the things I DIDN'T DO. But in the end, I trust that God is in control. I think we all wish things had been done differently, but we all do the best we can, wanting so much more for them. I hope you're feeling better.