Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
To preface this post: I am NOT diagnosed with PTSD nor am I claiming to suffer with it. I'm just wondering if anyone has tips or advice on repressed memories.
Ever since I can remember, intimacy paralyzes me. Not even just romantically, but any sort of intimacy. Even hugs from family members make me feel incredibly uncomfortable. I continue to hug and such with family, but purely because I'm terrified of telling them not to.
Romantically, I just figured I haven't found the right person. I've talked to therapists about struggling with being touched and they all have the approach of "you'll grow out of it" (I'm 22). However, as I get older I've found it's getting much worse, not better. A few days ago, the girl I'd been "talking" to for a long time (note: I'm gay) made a move. I felt like I was prepared for it, I knew before we even got together that she was most likely going to kiss me. I figured I'd get over the discomfort I usually felt because this girl is literally perfect and we had taken things incredibly slow. But the second we touched I sat there, participating, but I didn't enjoy it. My entire mind was panicking, trying to figure out how to escape. I was in no danger, but I couldn't relax, it was frightening regardless. She wasn't taking advantage of me, nothing like that, it was just terrifying. I felt stuck, like I was watching from a far and not participating. When I left I almost threw up multiple times, finally throwing up in my mouth a lot because it was so... I can't even explain it (sorry to be gross). Now, I want nothing to do with her. I don't want to talk to her, look at her, text her, nothing, I want to get rid of her from my life which is frustrating because I KNOW this is a me issue, not anyone else. It had been months, we didn't have sex, it was just basic making out, but now I'm absolutely disgusted and terrified and ashamed. And it's not even a little nagging feeling of that, it's all enticing. I've began to get back into a deep depression (including passive suicidal thoughts - no plan), due to a simple make out session. And I get that it's not normal, but it's literally caused a sense of dread to follow me and weigh me down.
So, I looked up fear of intimacy. Then, articles of repressed memories began surfacing and I connected with so many signs/symptoms they listed there. I'm not looking for a diagnosis, but how do you know when you're a little nervous vs when there is a serious problem such as repressed memories? I didn't have the best childhood, but I have no recollection of being sexually assaulted by any means. Yet, I still have all the "symptoms" of abuse. Reading the articles made me feel heard. It addressed the shame I have of thinking about certain things, physical sensations I frequently experience, the irrational fears I face, the discomfort I find in so many "normal" situations...
I have a therapist, but I'm terrified of bringing this up. I worry it'll be seen as making a mountain out of a mole hill or I'll be seen as being foolish/paranoid. I don't remember my childhood from 7-10, so I can't even say what happened. I can recall facts that other people have told me but I have no memory of that time period. I feel like that could be a part of it, but it could also just be a part of me not having the best memory in general.
Lastly, if I should bring this up to a therapist, how would I even go about saying anything? I feel silly bringing it up, because that's a big claim for something that may have not even happened.
Sorry, I'm just not sure what I'm doing at the moment. I just know that I hate being so out of control.
-
I did the dumbest thing today. I charged my earbuds, unplugged the block and put the block in my little bag instead of the earbuds. I wasn't happy about that when I got to the gym. What a dummy!
-
Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
Yes, I'd definitely bring it up to your therapist. As to how...well that's up to you. You could tell the therapist that there's something specific that you'd like to discuss, or you could even write it in a letter that you give her/him at some point in a session.
I do have repressed memories (long story), but for me that don't interfere in my life, and well...I don't really want the memories and I'm happy for them to stay repressed. Since yours are bothering you...it's probably worth at least considering discussing them.
Heartfelt hugs, Patti
So I went through years of therapy avoiding telling my therapist a central incident that happened to us all overseas when I was a 9 year old kid. Fortunately, I happened to move to a new town and start therapy with a therapist who worked with enough clients who had lived overseas such that my story was credible to him. After 12 years of stagnated therapy, suddenly I opened up to him.
That's when my real PTSD healing began. I recommend getting off to a faster start than I did.
I am joining the choir to bring it up with your therapist. Whether you are simply confused from watching too many chick flicks or dealing with trauma induced amnesia/repressed memories, it is a snotty knot to sort and small diffs are important. In my own case, I dealt with full-blown trauma induced amnesia and after more than 40 years of therapy, emerging memories are still extremely vulnerable to power of suggestion. The most gently voiced commentary can turn into a false memory without even being noticed. Bringing out those memories is such a delicate process that I limit the quantities of who I discuss them with until I have had time to gain confidence. My mind is not a safe neighborhood to travel alone, so I always take at least one accountabilibuddy, but it is not a good expedition for a tour group.
your therapist will probably have a way to help you talk about this.
i am just starting therapy, again, and need to talk about this too.