I'm not a veteran, so I hesitate to even respond.

But...all I can say is that I appreciate all that you've given and continue to give....daily, hourly, by the second.... to our country.

If I was listening to you talk, my hope would be to understand and accept. Nothing that you can say is beyond understanding. Nothing. (And this from about the biggest pacifist on DS if not my whole state). (Does it help if I tell you that I knew someone that described picking up body parts after a pickup truck filled with dynamite exploded? I've heard some pretty horrific things, that go far, far beyond that.)

I can tell you that you're body is hardwired to remember the exact thing that you were doing right before hell came. So if that was tying your shoes...then that's what's going to set you off. And then it's off to the races. The part of your brain that thinks about things may have forgotten, but the part that knows...knows. Smells, blood, sights, kindness, hate, stupid crap, sounds, touch all mixed up together. "War is Hell" sums it up, and says nothing all at the same time.

Again, I will thank you for what you are giving DAILY to our country. The least, the very, very, very least I can do, is stand beside you now that you're part way home. We (our country, or at least me) want you back the rest of the way.

I care.

(Again, I'm not military. If I've said anything to offend, I'll delete the post. Patti)

I believe one of the best things to do is to read cancer survivors stories. When your mind has given up....chances slim. Remember that though it seems impossible....there is miracles that happen. You will survive this. You and your boy will survive this.... as all have said... seeking mental help is great. But also remember to throw in some positive stories of people who have pulled through. You got this my friend...I believe in you and your son. You can make it!

yeah, i went through it. i'm like you...no groups for me. i can't handle it, and i can't open up when it's a group. so i did one-on-one CBT and EMDR therapy and a lot of grief trauma counselling. google those and see if that might be something you're into.

i literally went from having a noose around my neck to having a pretty decent life. took a lot of time, but if you can hang on, you have a good shot at making it out of this in one piece. sounds like you're ready to be pro-active and you have my support all the way. even if you need to shoot me a message when everything is fucked up, feel free.

You're safe here, say anything, and if you feel we non-combat types won't understand? My family's been military since 1745 in the US. We haven't missed a war. I've lived around stories and consequences all my life. Please, reach out ot us. PTSD is PTSD. We've all done things we wish we hadn't, and a few of my nightmares are of what I've done, not what was done to or around me.

Also, my dad raised me to be what's known now as "disaster prepper", complete with how to cause harm, and do harm, and I've done some. Reflex is a bi*ch that way. I was taught so young that I don't remember life without that knowledge. He was a vet who didn't get treatment and needed it. He took it out on us. Family tradition going back to 1745. Go to war, bring it home and recreate it in the household. (That' shis family, not all PTSDers, btw, I'm aware!) It wasn't a childhood, but boot camp, and I'm being kind.

So go ahead, tell us what you can, about whatever, and I certainly won't judge. Surviving for your life is one set of rules, and then you get stuck back in "civilian rules", and life still kicks you around, and .... Yeah, it's a FUBAR feeling.

Gentle support. You can. And I encourage your wife to get help, fo rher, too, b/c she'll need support that isn't you. Spouses (as my hubby can attest) have a whole different POV on this stuff....

Leo

I have ptsd myself so when I first was sent to get help it was hard and I hated it because talking about it only made it come back I hated it but what I found was talking about it is the best way possible. It's not hard for me anymore also those people in the groups won't judge you. The people in the group were very understanding and even when I cried I wasn't judged. Just because your a male who cries means nothing. Your a human who has feelings too. Please don't let that make you feel belittle.

i appreciate all the help. I am having a hard time i have reached out to other to support groups I want the help but nervous about it at the same time. I've been reliving my nightmares from war every day and i dont talk to many people about it i have to really trust you to want to relive it enough to talk about it. So that is whats holding me back from going to a meeting or a support group. I know i need the help i know i want the help. im going thru alot mentally and physically and i want to feel "normal" I dont even know what that means anymore. its becoming hard to trust my friends and even my family i'm becoming paranoid that everyone is out to get me. i love my wife and my family i'm creating a problem that doesn't need to be there. i need my family i need the support. how do i fix the problems that i'm creating.

That's common, Abusmc. I didn't talk for a couple decades. Nealry killed me when "it" all popped out all at once. (ER visits suck.) I hate the vulnerability even with those I trust, and I hate wondering what else is going to make someone flinch, and it's rideiculous to me that we're told to "toughen up", when if we weren't tough, we'd be gone already.... As for crying, please, do cry. It's a physiological release, they've done studies that show emotional tears have more crap in them than tears from dust or such, so you're actually helping rid your body of back-logged toxins and hormones and such.

My in-person support group was all male military vets who scorned, mocked, or ignored me. It was awful. So I came here. Much better:-) No offense to them. They simply had a single point of view: PTSD was for *them*. But PTSD is PTSD no matter what the trauma. Reliving the sense of hypervigilance, attack mode, escape plans.... It's exhausting! But sharing? Even a tiny bit? It's like lancing an infected blister. Icky oozy crap, and it hurts, but then it heals.... Slow but sure....

Much support.

I have wondered a time or twenty if that "Want/Can't Trust" cycle is a paranoia cocktail. The "Can't Trust" side of the slash is continually coming up with new and improved justification to invalidate the "Want" side of the slash. It do get bloody at times, both literally and figuratively.

So it feels inside my own skin. . .

Continued support while you figure your own, Abu.