Hi, Abu. Welcome to the forum. Sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

"When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." ~Zen proverb

I, too, am a Veteran. Viet Nam era. Combat PTSD was still being called, "Shell Shock" up until the mid-90's. I carried what is now being called, "cPTSD" into the Army with me in 1973 where I met with a psychologist who had done several tours in the M.A.S.H. units of Viet Nam where he had developed an unsanctioned specialty in, "Civilian Shell Shock." He declared me to be a casualty of, "The other undeclared war on our city streets." I am a child sex trafficking survivor. That fits my personal summary of my childhood well enough for government work. He started putting me in with his sanctioned shell shock patients and. . . In my strictly personal just-a-patient summary, magic happened.

Still. . . He never did quite convince me that my "Trauma Induced Amnesia" was a bad thing. I had no memories of my childhood, but I had enough current data to believe it was worthy of forgettance. It was another decade or so before I started taking the rest of the therapy seriously. They were hard years, most especially for my young children and husband. Expect him to "Be Supportive" with young children acting out in the next room? Priority review, anyone? I found it allot more productive to build my own therapy network and work out my personal dysfunctions on more neutral ground.

Hope I am not co-opting your thread with my personal rambles. . .

Glad you put yourself "out there," Abu. Hope healing hopes for all, no exceptions. It is a snotty, knotty mess, but it is easier to untangle with a little support from my peers.

It is not selfish for you to focus on yourself and your healing right now. I would say it is necessary.

I highly recommend that you start seeing a therapist for help, especially if there is a service through your nearby VA clinic. It really helped me sort through things and get back to a somewhat normal and balanced life, for a while. I left therapy too early and that's causing problems for me now, but the therapy itself is really helpful.

Find some ways to ground yourself and bring yourself into the present when you start to have flashbacks or think about Iraq. For me, I do this by naming all the colors in the room. try to actively resist the flashbacks and push them away. It takes practice but it can be done.

Most of all, I feel for you. you have a great burden to carry right now, but you don't have to carry it alone. talking about what happened can really help. At least so you don't feel like you HAVE to keep it pent up or secret. give yourself permission to let it out and talk about it.

Best wishes.

One of the more interesting things that we men get taught is that asking for help makes one weak, and that we're supposed to "man up" and take it, then deal with it.

Based on my experience, the opposite is true, in that it takes a great deal of strength to declare that you need help, and to go get that help.

If nothing else, I think you're on the right path, and maybe some conversations here will help, in conjunction with professional help. I really hope that things work out for you.

Welcome abu..... I am so sorry that you're going through so much right now.... Has your doctor referred you for therapy?

It's absolutely not selfish at all to focus on you.... We can't give away what we don't have to give.... Focusing on you will help you gain coping skills and tools

There is a board for Iraq war veterans.... It's not moving right now however there are members on the board that you may want to reach out to that are still on DS

This is a great board and I'm glad you've found us..... Big hug and a blessing......xo

You're going through a LOT.

First rule in life, is put on your own oxygen mask first.

Hugs, Patti

Thank you all. I have tried in the past to seek therapy but i always felt judge like what happen out there was my fault almost as if i wanted to be messed up. your right I have been told to suck it up because i'm a man and i need to man up it's hard to do that. I'm having a hard time with my personal life every day I make it worse. I try to show my wife i love her and I'm not doing a good job of it. I yell and I fight at things i shouldn't fight or yell about. Its my way of coping and it's taring my marriage about. Ptsd is ruining my life its taking all my confidence away making me anti social and it's hard to be a "man". I want to be the go happy guy that loved life not the one who is in fear of it. I always feel like i'm being watched like the bad guy is right around the corner. I could be in a empty room and still feel under attack and scared for something. I tried before I was given meds that made me worse. I want to enjoy my family I have cancer and ptsd and it's affecting my life and I want to enjoy what I{ have left.

The directives in the service are just as unavoidable as the ones where cancer are concerned. One is a dictation of your actions, maybe even against that good guy inside of you, the other is a dictation on your body (taking away the healthy belief and crapping on the hope) of a disease, with just as many constraints on that good guy. Trying to correct both boats is not easy, when you have to see the aftermath of the fears and feel yet again the hurt of being caught in the teeth of gears out of control.
So I can see where taking a side exit in your frustrations may seem like some relief in the moment, or you feel watched for any actions that validate that bad guy.
I hope by being here and sharing you can sort some of these into where they belong, so you have a clearer head and heart where your family is concerned.
We are here to listen, If you are seeing an oncologist they may have a counselor that can help as part of the treatment, or refer you to one that will be covered in your area. There is a lot of info on the US.Gov site for Ptsd and also for families of affected servicemen, http://www.ptsd.va.gov/

http://maketheconnection.net/resources?utm_source=bing&utm_medium=cpc&utm_content=sitelink&utm_term=resources%20and%20support&utm_campaign=search-ptsd-bmm helps locating services by zip code..

I am not a vet but the wife/widow of two and daughter, sister of vets that also left the service carrying it with them.

Support,
J.

I am so sorry to hear about you and your son's health challenges. Cancer is a scary illness for you to face let alone having to face your son's illness as well. Good for you to reach out for help. It's not always easy to ask others for help.

It also sounds like you're facing trauma from serving on your tours in Iraq. That can't be easy to cope with along with everything else that's going on in your life. God bless you. Have you looked at getting help and support from your branch of service? Chaplains, on base, may be able to help you and your family with the emotionally and spiritually support you'll need as you walk through this together. The Chaplains may also be able to help you find treatment from the trauma you're dealing with from Iraq.

Another great resource for help and support for you and your family are churches in your community. Some churches have support groups and will open their arms and walk through this together with you and your family so you're not alone.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Blessings and healing to all of you...

Ah, the magic Just Wand. From "Good kids don't tell." to "Suck it up, maggot." The magic just wand has yet to work for me, in any of its renditions. Hence my presence here. . . Sigh. Well just it all.

My first attempts at therapy found me feeling harshly judged, also. These days I believe that guilt is a common PTSD symptom. Proof unavailable, but that belief has lead me to another belief that my own guilt was the harshest judge in any of those early sessions. Dunno. I only believe.

Yes, intimacy is extremely difficult when I am under siege from flashbacks, et al. I consider it one of the great miracles of my life that my husband is still with me after 36 years of PTSD BS. Not at all sure we could have worked it out without my participation in therapy, though. It was no magic just wand, but it smoothed allot of bumps.

I'd say it's time for a stay at a hospital that does nothing but deal with war vets. You'll find you are not alone. You'd have to be willing to talk about those events that you dream and have flashbacks about. No holds barred. I know you'll find out it was not your fault. But you have to be willing to commit to working on yourself. I don't have vet traumas but cult traumas and I have flashbacks that roll through my mind like a movie. I've had several hospitalizations and each time I conquer some of the flashbacks. My problem is I was abused for 16 years by the cult and another 30 by marriage. You are no less of a person to seek help. To "man up" would be a fools choice. Your trauma is real.

hey ab. i'm one of the few here with combat type PTSD. sorry you're struggling.

first things first, i hope you are moving on these cancer diagnosis'. i think anyone diagnosed with this would feel very down and depressed. is there a way to see a counselor or therapist? maybe get a referal from your cancer doc.

I am very depressed with my current state. I'm having a hard time trying to find what works. I can't sleep anymore which is hurting me mentally and physically. I can't stop crying and I hate that. I'm angry but not sure at who or at what. I have been trying to find a place to put my anger. ptsd alone hurts me everyday. when i slept I saw every thing that took place which just replayed and i would scream as i wake up. now that i have cancer and my son has cancer it's even worse. i see my son in all my dreams now i could be under fire in my dream and my son is standing in the middle of street. so i start screaming because he is my son i'm trying to save him but i watch him die in my dreams. i know its a dream but it plays in my mind over and over again. trying to live every day isn't easy i want to be happy but i can't be. i need to feel alive and not dead inside. i've tried a consular but it just made me feel like i was screwed up for the feelings. i need something or someone to help. I reached here because it's my last chance. I'm losing my mind and my family. because the life i'm living now isn't easy and it's going to kill me inless i can figure how to be ok.

I'm like Mojo, I have combat PTSD, too. And sexual assault PTSD and childhood domestic violence PTSD, too. Yeah, a trifecta.

Survivor's guilt and provider's guilt toward my family have been issues for me, too. Then my therapist pointed out how on airplanes flight attendants prepare us for when the oxygen masks will come down if the cabin loses pressure. We're to put our own oxygen mask on first before helping our family members in the seats next to us, or we'll pass out and be no help to them and a burden to boot.

It's simplistic, I know, but most of my problems with PTSD turn out to be hard but simple. I tend to manufacture complexity around them to dance around hard decisions about my PTSD, but I eventually cut it out, bite the bullet, and muster the wherewithal to make the simple hard and right choice. It takes time for me to, though.

Glad you found us. Welcome. Much support to you.

My wife is pushing me to go to meetings. it seems hard for me to tell my stories to people. What i did in combat and what i say already haunts me every day. I spend a lot of time fighting with her about that but. not because i don't want the help but talking about it out loud is hard for me. it stays in my mind for days and affects everything that I do. My stress got so bad that i lost part of my memory and i was rushed to the hospital. I didn't know who my wife was and she was in front of me i still had no idea. my body shut down. it's hard for to know that i'm hurting the ones i love the most and can't control that it's happening. i never want to hurt my family that is what keeps me alive. after this scare i want to do what ever i can to help my family and if i have to face my fear of meetings to better my family i think i should take it. I haven't been to a meeting I've been to a lecture hall meeting but not one with a small group i still am very nervous about sharing my fears. has any one else gone thru this? how did you over come this?

Absotively, I have felt, and still feel, very nervous about sharing my fears, etc. I lost count, long ago, of how many times I have gotten real, almost tangible relief from the sharing, but it remains hard, nonetheless. Can't I just ignore this garbage to death?

I nudge continually myself to get past it, but never push. Easy does it. I work to be gentle with myself when I simply can't. I do what I can and let the rest go. Getting myself through the door of a meeting is easier for me if that is all I am expecting of myself. I just have to break the isolation. Save the speaking for another step. Small steps. If I can't get myself out of the car, I still give myself 5 brownie points for finding the parking lot.

Continued support while you find what works for you, abu. Hope you find your healing path.