Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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Hello all, I am a new foster parent and I need some advise. I currently fostering 2 siblings 13 year old boy and a 9 year old girl. They both been in and out of the system their entire lives and have may emotional issues. Last week the department of human services said it is unsafe for the children to be together as they found many bumps and bruises on the 9 year old girl one of her school counselors has reported it.
They did a forced respite for the 13 year old for a few days and now they switched and the girl is gone. Both children are scared because they been through this before and had bad experiences when this happens being split up. The 9 year old had a twin brother that his life was ended when the department split all the kids up...
Both kids have been under a lot of stress lately due to their biological father messing up not making appointments and so many meetings with the department and counselors and so many forced respites. These kids operate best under a routine and if that routine gets off their emotions come out and they do tend to fight with one another but it's not that serious or threatening. Both children have strong abandonment issues. And many more. It is very difficult telling these children that they cannot be together.
The department now wants to consider splitting the two up in separate foster homes. I feel like that is the worst decision ever since that is all they have left.. is each other. Most of the bumps and bruises are self-inflicted by either just playing or just being clumsy. I know she just loves to tell others about her injuries as she is very proud of them and I do know she says they are worse then they are. I am with these kids all the time, they are never left alone.
How can I prevent the department tearing up this family any more than it has? How can I tell the department that They made things worse and how can I tell the 9 year old that she can still trust her counselor at school. I feel that the department has made a huge mistake and overreacted to quickly without investigating first.
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Does anyone here have a comfort item you carry with you when you go out? For example this is my doll, Annie, and I've recently been bringing her with me when I run errrands flor have an appointment. Holding her comforts me. I've bought her clothes, crocheted for her, I recently bought a personalized blanket with her name on it. Just wondering if anyone else has a comfort item.
As the fifth of eleven siblings, I am not so certain that splitting them up is a bad idea. None of own siblings or I made it into the foster system, but siblings make lousy parents. Our efforts to, "Stick Together" exploded in allot of genuinely ugly ways. I started feeling safer on my own than at home pretty early on. Half a century later, we still support one another's dysfunctions far better than we support one another's growth and healing.
My idealistic, just-a-patient wonder is if the separation could be helpful in guiding the sibling bond into healthier options. Just wondering. . . I wished it for my own siblings and I, but never had the chance to try it.
Welcome aboard. Gentle support while you sort the best guess for your special siblings. Kudos for caring.
Continued support while you sort through a tough set of dynamics. Parenting is hard business.
I'm a little on the fence about this. If he is taking his stress out on her, separating them now, before things have gone too far, is the best hopes for saving their long term relationship.
Kids can be attached rather strongly to the dysfunction though, and they may strongly resist a separation even if it's in their best interests. Again, a rather long personal story, and it may or may not apply in your case.
I was brought up in a very physically angry home and it ended up with us taking out anger as siblings.... This is very common unfortunately
Are you in any therapy with the children?.... Finding other outlets may help however a younger/smaller child could get hurt
A 13 year old is far stronger than a 9 year old.... Hormones are happening as well at this age
These kids read like they have a lot to be angry about... It just has to be focused in a healthy way if at all possible.....xo
At 15 he has been with them for 8 years, but the seeds were planted already. When the abnormal looks normal it takes a lot to change the paradigm of thoughts. I am glad you want what is best for them together, but maybe it's not best for them right now. Seeing physical aggressiveness as normal or a sign of love, takes years to change once accepted.
Then also she lost a twin...that is a loss of partial identity for her, and may need a lot of therapy on it's own. You can support her through this but splitting the attention needed?
There are many levels to their development, aspects in life you had no say in.
Though if you think you can do this, take all the help offered and available. This would include family counseling, behavioral modification, as well as child individual therapy. Include individual caregiver therapy for you.
Since this modeled behavior is also what your own children will learn from put them on the list.
My other grands in the house feel fear when the mentioned grand son is home. I don't want to abandon him, but how do you choose to support one while the behavior harms another(s)?
If you can set up supported time together for them on a regular basis, even that may be the structure that helps.
Support J.
you have only so much power within the system. the system is frightening sometimes and has let children in it's care down, i feel your fear of it and do not blame you one bit for not trusting it.
however, they are the ones who decide at the moment and you will do the best that you can.
the idea of hidden camera() is a very good one. we cannot know for certain - with cameras? we have eyes to help us know for certain. i'm so sorry that they are needed - but they are. abused children do not tell and are completely convincing when they lie about it not happening to them, especially by a sibling.
What I've heard about the foster "care" system from kids on this site is no less than terrifying.
So if they get into a fight and he hits her at 13...he's a kid.
At 14, he can be charged with assault and go to juvenile detention.
I've got two kids. They've put marks on each other. But they're 2 years apart and (mostly) evenly matched. But, by age 13, that had gone way, way down. They'd learned to use their words. (Teaching nice words is another whole layer of parenting.)
If you want to explain it to him fine. Then what you say is that if your sister hits you, kicks you, spits on you, yells at you, calls you the worst name that she knows, dumps the spaghetti on top of you...that you HAVE to walk away. It's not a choice. It's not a game. It's what ADULTS have to do if a child hits/spits/kicks/swears at them.
If he doesn't have the skills to do that. Then you're hurting HIM the most if you beg child support to put them back together. Because he'll be the one in juvy.
If you have to choose between the two kids which to keep with you. Keep the boy. He's the most at risk. By FAR.
THREE messages need to get through to him. 1) He's WORTH it. Nothing he does will make him less worth it. 2) This is NOT his fault. 3) Learning emotional management is a SKILL. Just like he can learn a video game, he can learn this.
Then you stay calm. You stay in control. You stay positive. This is challenging, challenging, challenging parenting. But it can also be very rewarding.
You may not be legally allowed to do that. Filming either kid in states of undress or where they have reason to believe that they have privacy is especially problematic. Also a problem is if you catch him hurting her...you may be legally required to turn the tape over the child protective system. Whereas not catching anything on film, may not be much help.
http://app.leg.wa.gov/wac/default.aspx?cite=388-148-1540