You deserve better than this. Your mother is not doing right by you AT ALL. It's outrageous.

You may not be able to be a bridesmaid. Your health comes first. Maybe when you tell your mom you're bowing out for that reason she'll get what it means to you. I know, it will be confrontational and unpleasant but the the other option is tank up on benzos and be miserable. You don't even know you'll be able to pull it off without making a scene. Your mom is thinking only about herself and not about your needs. That's just wrong.

It is horrible that your female parent would behave in such a deeply way! SHE IS NOT WORHTY OF THE NAME MOTHER! Why do you have to attend the wedding?

Why didn't I report the rape? I DID!!!! No one did anything about it!

First of all, Presh, tell your mom flat out that if she can forgive rape, that's great for her, but it was your body and soul that were hurt, and it's not a wave of a hand solution for you. If she can't respect that, then she will have to respect your absence from her wedding. Or you can attend the ceremony and bail out of any party/reception afterwards.

And jsuta quick note to everyone, tho' I am not a CL: Never ever ask "why didn't you report it" in any case of trauma, okay? Please. Because Presh is in crisis and the report or lack thereof is irrelevant to the modern day. You can report a rape, and see the rapist convicted, and have them out of prison in 18 months to 3-4 years. It's not uncommon at all for rape victims to re-encounter rapists even if they've gone to prison. You can report all you want and get zero. So please think before hitting "send", okay? Thank you.

They said that there was no proof and it was my word against his word and of course they took his word because in Utah a man holds more ground than a woman. But he helped my uncle handcuff me to my bed so that they could take turns and I'm supposed to just forgive that?? Just because the cops and prosecution wouldn't do anything doesn't mean I have to forgive him for raping me. Now if anyone has any ideas on how to stop the tears and the fear, I'm all ears. And I'm sorry for blowing up. Please forgive me I'm just super emotional.

Hi Precious, I'm with Zoe. It 'is your decision' to be a bridesmaid or not. You do have the right to say yes or no...if you did not know this man would be there until today...changing your mind is Way Acceptable in my book...for what that is worth.
As a compromise and to keep peace in your home, could you go through the wedding..down the isle, keeping your eyes straight ahead, sit (have a Huge Support person ready to sit next to you), then leave afterwards?

Hard yes! Empowering and healing for you! YES!! Facing your fear/pain and with an internal *uck *ou to the guy, ...YOU Win!!!! Take care, ML

Great idea!! I called a friend and she said she'd be more than glad to come sit next to me. :) Thanks for the idea ML!!

Oh wow. Well, your mother has sure made her priorities clear...and it's HERSELF.

Easy for me to say just don't go.
Also easy for me to say, if you participate in the wedding, then leave from the church directly afterwards..skip pictures...skip it all.

INSTEAD, what I'll say is... I'm behind YOU 100%. Whatever you choose, I support YOU. You're worth more than ALL of them put together x 100,000.

The way people choose power, appearances, choose not to "rock the boat"....and all of the rest of it before simple MORALITY, never fails to amaze me.

Hugs, Patti

I agree that this is absolutely outrageous ... I would not even entertain going for a minute... I have no words to say how I feel about this that would be okay

Yeah, this is way out of bounds, Presh. Nothing says you have to go, nothing. Be good to yourself in this, you deserve safe boundaries from such disturbances.

I just spoke to a friend from the past about this very same thing. Not that she has to be a brides maid but that the person who is a rapist was invited to a wedding that includes several females he had raped. Which leads me to another point towards health is that who ever the rapist is (he she or it) is NOT YOUR RAPIST. The person is a rapist. the person raped you and likely many other people. It is in best interest to change the dynamics through language in order to not make that person YOURS. It is not a marriage as in THIS IS MY SPOUSE. IF it is a spouse then that is a relationship . being harmed does not create a relationship. I have a relationship with my drawing teacher. If my drawing teacher steels my paper they do I call the teacher MY THEIF??? Please consider. after this ... you are not obligated to attend the event. Please do what you need to do to decline. This concerns your health.

I tend to stay away from people that lack boundaries and are also harmful. It is not exactly a point at which a person needs to forgive but rather acknowledge reality and act appropriately which is to steer clear of negative violent person. this is your business and possibly those people who are helping you not about other persons need.TAKE CARE

Don't go. Don't let other people pull you into toxic situations.

"I can't skip the wedding because I'm a bridesmaid but holy shit!!" Yes you can. Tell her point blank why and that you would be happy to have a separate dinner with her and the new hubs, I fact I might even include him in on the conversation. That association will end pretty fast. Most men are not bad and abhor the thought of men that give them a bad name by raping a future step daughter. Your rapist may not survive his wrath, and Mom needs to decide who is more important. If it's the rapist, then she is outside of your needed boundaries.
Hugs, Support and strength....Can't ,? Oh yes you can...that is ending that control this has on you in one small step.