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One of my least favourite things is stomach pains. Now a couple years back it was Halloween. I was babysitting my neighbors twins and we went trick or treating. This was that time when razors and shit were stuffed in foods so ya know. Anyway so we got back home and I'll name the twin leo and N. N handed me a candy. An open candy. I figured he opened it and didn't want it. I was 13 fyi I didn't even know razors could go in food. So I ate it. I swallowed the razor.
Flash forward to a couple days later and I'm complaining about stomach pains. I went to the doctor and they chalked it up to cramps. A 13 year old with period cramps. So we accepted that. I went through a week before I passed out. I woke up in the hospital. Apparently the candy had a razor in it. The razor cut my intestine from the inside out. Had to get it surgically removed and get it stitched up.
Flashforward to about two weeks and it was a concert and I was the main vocal. I shouldn't have done it but I'm someone who supersesses pain well. I was still recovering. As the main vocal my teacher gave me a lot of high notes. So I went through with the concert. Hit the high notes and all. Afterwards we went back to the hospital because I started throwing up blood. I was in the hospital for a month. Once they let me go I had to take it easy. Finally at 14 my stomach finally healed. However I still get pains once in a while which hinder my ability to stand properly or make me nauseous. The pain is usually caused by severe stress, high notes or bumping my stomach.
Today me and my friends did a high note game. (You have to sing a higher note than the last person. A fun game lol) so I hit the highest note but I fell. This has honestly showed me just how weak I am. I fall because of stomach pains even though I'm fully healed? I couldn't fight my dad or brother when the raped me? I'm weak. And I hate feeling weak.
Anyway I'm not sure where I was going with this. Am I honestly weak? Because I sure as hell feel it.
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I did the dumbest thing today. I charged my earbuds, unplugged the block and put the block in my little bag instead of the earbuds. I wasn't happy about that when I got to the gym. What a dummy!
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Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
I often relive the physical pains with my flashbacks, all the way to needing to relive the healing process, as well. Sucks like an industrial vacuum! I try to treat ^it^ like a set of symptoms more than a character assessment. Illness happens.
Continued support while you figure out what ^it^ is for you, Cry. For what it's worth, I would be more worried about you if you loved your stomach pain. What's to love about bellyaches?
the answer is yes, you truly WERE NOT strong enough physically to fight them off - even with out the injury. you are NOT RESPONSIBLE for not being able to fight them off.
none of it was your fault. you hold no blame in any of it.
As far as associating pain with weakness, I think that everyone feels pain at times, unless they have shut down. So be able to stay present for your pain actually takes a lot of strength, and not everyone has that strength. I think you are very strong.
thank you for talking about this. having surgery can cause pain or some ongoing complications and it is good that your having shared what happened to you may also help others - another bonus about your bravery in sharing.