I know you are having a hard time. I've been through that too except i didn't overdose i tried something else but please don't give up. If that therapist doesnt work find another. Trust me i've been to so many therapists until i found the right one for me and it has helped so much. You are not dirty you just feel that way. You are not alone you have the community on here. Please do not give up. i support you! Keep going please

Zoe, I believe you, and am so sorry for the flashbacks and all you are going through. You have my Support and Compassion. I wish there was more I could do. I pray alot, it is my only comfort often. You deserve to have a good life, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. My Heartfelt Thoughts go out to you with care♡

I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time. I do believe what happened to you, because you're not the first person I've met on DS to have such experiences, and I know how incredibly difficult it is.

I stayed with one therapist for 30 years because I trusted him not to abuse me, though I knew he didn't really understand me or see me accurately. Finally after my father died I changed therapists ... and I have discovered there are so many therapists out there, and so many new and innovative approaches to healing. If you feel you have reached the end of the line with your current therapist, please try someone new. You might discover that you can take leaps forward by trying a new approach.

You do deserve compassion, and you deserve to move forward in your healing. Don't take the blame on yourself for how others have wronged you. Don't take the blame for your therapist's limitations. You deserve to live a life.

Oh, Zoe... What was done to you? *That* was filthy and wrong. But *you* are *not*, okay? I've been in the abyss, and my hubby's timing is all that kept me from... well, yeah... and then tehre was... Yeah...
DOn't give up on therapists. Sometimes we move toa point where we need a different one, or a different therapy approach, and it just is what it is. Like physical healing, you get past the part where you need crutches, but still have to use a cane fo ra broken leg.... The original injury is the same, but you need a new approach to your healing process?
Gentle puma suport to you

Zoe, I have been where you are, and I know what you are experiencing does not feel like its worth it, but it is. One day you will see yourself as the strong, brave, and beautiful person we all know you are, but for now you just have to trust us when we tell you that your life is precious, you are amazing, you are valid, you are important, and you are so needed and so loved. What you went through is not what any person on this earth should ever have to. I have been where you are, I promise. I have prayed to god not to wake up and begged for forgiveness because I felt so dirty and impure. I still feel that way sometimes and want to hurt myself, but I stop myself and remember that someone did these things to me. This is not nor ever was your fault. Please never forget that! Much love!

I am sorry for what happened to you, you did not deserve it, you are not dirty or anything. This was not your fault. You have every right to be angry and let me tell you straight up, what you are feeling is valid, and completely normal.

I hate the fact we treat PTSD by who you obtained it. How you got it does not matter as much as how are we going to give you your life back? How are we going to reduce or eliminate symptoms and allow you to more forward? How are we going to give you back your self-worth, self-esteem and confidence? Personally I think we need to focus on this much more than who we go it.

I hope you know we are here for you and we get it. I too got to the point I could not live like I was and ending it seemed like the only way out. Like you, I did not succeed. I am here to tell you it can get better, it does get better. For me it was the right combination of meds and therapy. It took a while to get the right team in place to help me, in fact it was 9 years and 2 hospital stays before I got the right group.

Today I am doing really well, I feel hopeful. Things are not all roses, but I have come to learn that my symptoms will flare up, but they will eventually stop and those moments of peace are golden. Eventually those moments of peace have gotten longer and longer.

Know I care for you and really want you to stay with us. Hugs.

Sorry I have not been able to respond, my send button often sticks and I can't. I have read what has happened to you and I am so very sorry. You DO fit in here. I was where you were last year, near death OD and if it was not for my good friends here I would not have made it. Sometimes taking a break from therapy is not a bad thing.

When I first became awake from my attempt I was pissed I was still here. It took me a few weeks to get over that awful feeling of wanting to do it again but i got through it. It is just over a year now and I have improved drastically. Please know there is hope, things will get better. There is a medication that Muji has posted that helps with his nightmares and flashbacks. You might ask him about it. Much support for you Zoe.

I have called my own feelings of not fitting in more things than I care to count. Outsiders have an even more creative list for what to call ^it^. Whatever you call ^it^, ^it^ permeates every minute of my awareness and beyond, like car exhaust in a freeway rest stop. Including here in this forum and every other node in my support network. I believe I heal a bit every time I gently nudge myself past it to honest participation in something greater than my flashbacks to kiddie whorehouse trauma, etc.

Hope healing happens here, Zoe. For all of us. You belong.

i think that ptsd make us all feel out of place I know I do , I believe you where raped I was gang raped have been attic several times , IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT SO FORGIVE YOUESELF HONEY YOULL FEEL BETTER , no one has the right to keep going if they can see and feel the other one not into it stop is stop its there fault , none has the right to cross your personal space , it takes a lot to tell your story your not alone biggest hugs minnie

Hi Zoe, I am very sorry you are feeling in this way. I was in a horrible bad called "hospital" for 3 days in comma after I overdose myself with pills and when I woke up the male nurse wanted to drug me more. I didn't have any support or appropriate help by then. I understand how you feel. This therapist you are having doesn't know how to help you more, the best for you as a few others here have told you is to change your therapist. He or she is not treating you well, there is no way to recover if he or she is behaving like that with you. I visited more than a dozen therapists in my city and they made me more damage than any good, there were a few who abused me emotionally. Then I started to have Skype sessions, it is not the same but it is something. Please be patient with the recovery process. God bless you.

Hugs zoe. U do fit here.ur not filthy or dirty.i understand that feeling though.i often feel that way.

I really do think you need to find a new therapist. I understand how you feel, and it's not easy, and you are so strong for having made it this far. You are not alone. You have us. But I just think that if the direction you are taking is not working, you need to change directions. It can't get any worse than it already is, right? It's only uphill from here. You need the right people to guide you to a change of direction, and the best person to start with is a new therapist. Someone with more compassion, practical advice, an innovative mind and the education and knowledge one needs to treat mental illness and past trauma. It can get better and it WILL get better. You just need a change of plans. You know what I mean?

First, thank all of you for your support. TW TW I have made a decision that is not acceptable by my therapist. I carry a LOT of guilt. My biodad is the head of the "church". I know when they meet, where they meet. On Halloween I was supposed to be there for a ceremony where my biodad turns over the leadership over to our son; yes I had a baby with my biodad. I went into hiding leaving town in a rented car and stayed in a hotel. Biodads ranch hands couldn't find me to take me back. I'm thinking that might have been the wrong thing to do. I think I'll go back and become a participant. I know I'll be tortured and raped. That's what women are for. But at least I'll be able to go to the hospital so they can gather evidence and file a police report. Up to now the police haven't believed me. Biodad is an upstanding physician and philanthropist and cornerstone of the city. All they've done before is gone out and talked to him and looked through his house. The "church" is on his property in a building that has been made to look like a barn. I'm hoping that faced with solid evidence that they'll be forced to look further. I know it will be difficult but I can't bear the guilt of any more lives taken on my shoulders. I already feel the rapes and see the sacrifices in my flashbacks and nightmares. So, one last time it will be real. I don't think I'll get better till I know they are shut down.

Oh, boy, Zoe. My abusers were my parents, and my dad was a missionary and a pastor. Nobody believed me, either, for 20 years, until finally things blew up on him in his church overseas. The church kicked them out, and the government over there drove my mom and dad to the airport, put them on a place to Miami, and told them never to come back.

Even so, they never admitted their guilt and found ways of blaming others, including me. At the time I'd broken contact for 8 years, though, so blaming me was just an old habit, not anything real.

So hang in there. We believe you because we know for ourselves here what folks like us are up against with abusers who cultivate that public image of being upstanding cornerstones of the community. You've done well and you've been very brave. Take it day by day now going forward. Be good to yourself and protect yourself. Much support to you.

Zoe, there must be a way to get light to shine in this terrible cult, and get it stopped. Media, tv stations, someone who will do an investigation without you having to endure more abuse. You did nothing wrong, you were innocent. You bear No guilt, it is the abusers. Please try lawyers that deal with victims of abuse, it is a place to start, and they can at least have a record in print, and may help connect you to private investigators, or other organizations that can help uncover this terrible cult and stop it. Much Support to you!