Antidepressants have saved my life. Depression is a life-threatening condition. Over the years I've been able to cut way back, until I'm only on a low dose of one, but I've had lots of therapy. I don't know how you would work through it all without therapy. I wonder what your parents are picturing? I'm all for working through stuff vs medicating the pain, but i think the medication is a necessary support AS you work through it. Going off your meds seems dangerous to me.

Thank you Donnawanda, the worst part is with the two I take during the day (one is a high dose) I still experience panic attacks (intense ones). I can tell a difference in controlling my anger even, when I go an hour later than usual to take my meds. I know there are people who do this without medicine but right now I think...without being in therapy I think I need to keep my meds how they are for now.

Hello, I TOO know the pain of being raped, who wants to remember this terrible time. I was given MEDICATION to numb the feelings, BUT even now, 40yrs. ago, it still comes to haunt me.
Well meaning friends at Church told me I HAD to FORGIVE, and I always replied, it's not that easy.
IF he came to my door, I would pick up a knife.
IT CAN BE VERY HARD TO FORGET, AND HOW DO THEY KNOW HOW I REALLY FELT, IT DIDN'T TAKE LONG FOR ME TO LEARN TO PRETEND.
I also had a child from this rape, I couldn't have an abortion, BUT at the time I truly thought that with all the MEDICATION given to me that the baby would not survive.
SO WHAT ADVICE WOULD I FEEL TO GIVE TO ANOTHER PERSON WHO HAS BEEN RAPED.
1: YOU HAVE EVERY REASON TO BE ANGRY, LET THOSE FEELINGS COME OUT, CRY, YELL, GO TO THE BEACH, OR IN A CAR, SCREAM OUT YOUR HURTS.
2: GO TO THE HOSPITAL AND GET TESTS DONE.
3: CONFIDE IN A PERSON YOU CAN TRUST, IF IT WAS ME I WOULD SEEK OUT A PERSON WHO UNDERSTANDS HOW YOU FEEL, FROM BEING THERE THEMSELVES.
4: BE KIND TO YOURSELF, IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT YOU DID, IF YOU SAID NO IT IS RAPE.
5: SO MANY WOMAN FEEL IF THEY HADN'T HAVE HAD THAT DRINK, WORE THE SEXY DRESS, GONE OUT ALONE etc. that perhaps it was there FAULT.
6: IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU WERE KISSING, HUGGING, etc. perhaps you may have been told it was your fault, that you led him on.
7: IF YOU SAY NO, IT'S RAPE, IF YOU SAY STOP, DON'T, LET ME GO etc.& he doesn't STOP IT'S RAPE.
8: IF YOU CAN, TELL THE POLICE, HAVE HIM CHARGED. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN OR YOU MIGHT HAVE TO LIVE WITH HE HAD DONE IT AGAIN.
9: GET A GOOD DOCTOR WHO SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET YOU INTO FREE COUNCILLING.
IT IS A CRIME & YOU ARE THE VICTIM, SO GET AS MUCH HELP AS YOU NEED.
10: YOU MAY HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR SUPPORT IF YOU FEEL THEY ARE NOT HELPING YOU.
11: WITH ALL MY HEART I WISH I COULD WIPE AWAY YOUR SUFFERING, TRY AND BE BRAVE, SOME DAYS YOU MAY FEEL THAT 1 DAY AT A TIME IS TO LONG, IF IT IS, DO 1 HOUR AT A TIME.
12: I HOPE THAT YOU WILL HEAL YOUR MIND AND WILL NOT BE DEPENDANT ON MEDICATION AS I WAS.
IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO SHARE WITH ME, I AM HAPPY TO HELP.
MY COMMENTS MAY REACH OUT TO OTHERS IN NEED, THAT'S OKAY.
I HAVE WRITTEN FROM MY HEART & I HAVE HAD A LOT OF TRAGETY IN MY LIFE, AND AM THANKFULL THAT MANY TIMES MY WORK LIFE & BEFORE & AFTER I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO HELP OTHERS..
SENDING YOU A BIG HUG, LOVE & BLESSINGS.

I have participated in support group debates on whether PTSD is the natural result of the attempt *to* numb the pain of trauma. Some hold that it is a case of a natural triage (shock) evolving into habit instead of healing. The debates didn't reach any publication-worthy conclusions I am aware of, but I am still chewing on the content, many years later.

Medications helped me during my most broken phases, but I don't believe my real healing began until after I let myself process the repressed emotions unfiltered. Was that better or worse? I don't even want in on the debate and I don't believe the study has been going on for long enough to have reached conclusions I can take as proof either way. I'm *just* taking my best guess and working with it, mopping up the messes as I go.

Continued support while you sort your own, Marie.

Thank you Goldheart and Arfie for your kind words, encouragement, and blessings. I want to truly heal and come out of this stronger. I don't like knowing that I have weaknesses and I certainly don't like how some of those weaknesses show.

Dear marie8614, sorry to hear what you have gone through. I cannot imagine how painful it must have been for you. I'm glad your parents are so loving and supportive. I hope that gives you strength to just take one step at a time towards recovery.

You mentioned you cannot use therapy but do consider to continue with your medication as it will probably help you to cope better. Another option you can consider is counselling. Some churches or non-profit do provide free counselling. As I'm not aware of where you are from, so you might need to do some research on this. Do continue to unload here if you need to, We are here to support and journey with each other. Take care. Praying for you. God Bless!

marie, the phone number to call rainn is 800.656.4673 - they will give you a phone number to call to find local, free, confidential trauma counseling. there is a website you can check out too - it's www.rainn.org

i heard about this from another ds member and share it as often as i get the chance.

i called about the trauma counseling and got connected to someone near me. this really works and they really care. they get it.

Lilly I can't thank you enough, I'm going to call right now!

Thank you everyone for your advice. I'm going to look into it all.

HI! Maree, wondering how you are.
HAVE you been to a Councillor yet ?
We have had a hot winter,
SPRING is here, BEAUTY is all around me.
MY GARDEN is full of COLOUR.
BEACH is popular, it's lovely to see family's and dogs playing together.
THE WATER IS the best colours here, the tide is coming in and roaring, must be the FULL MOON.
EVERYONE HURTING,
please try and get into nature daily, watch the CLOUDS, sit on grass or play in the SKY, SEE THE BEAUTY, because it is then we get HOPE. BLESSINGS

gentle hugs, Marie

i know you are doing all that you can from where you are right now. you are wonderful and good. it shows, we can see it. more hugs, Lilly

Thank you everyone for your kind words and encouragement. I have not been to a therapist, I know I need to but I don't have the money right now. I'm still taking my medicine. I also, explained in great detail to my parents why I feel the medicine is helping me. For me I don't care if it's just numbing, because I can tell when I haven't taken my next dose. My anxiety sky rockets, the anger explodes like a volcano, and I start to fall back into the darkness that is my depression. This is the best I can do right now and after I explained to my parents, they seemed to understand.

what i said up ^ there wasn't all that i meant to say, Marie. i meant to say that it is most often the best plan to take medication to help with the extreme stuff, as you are now. you are doing what is helping you now and that is good stuff. none of us can say the exact path for anyone else and i hope i haven't been pressing.

support for all you are doing. i'm so glad that you were able to explain to your parents and that they are being more understanding now. it all adds up to help a bit more, i hope. genlte hugs

p.s. i say numbing some of it AND dealing with it - you are doing both, good job xxx

and another thing!

you are one of the people here who is high functioning while coping with PTSD.

i cannot imagine how people go to work while coping with what PTSD throws at them; you are doing that.

so, please, give yourself many pats on the back for that.

I'm not sure. There's something to be said about not feeling too much. Unabating anxiety or depression can cause detrimental long term effects, so that's something to consider. My only advice would be to chose medication wisely, say, avoid daily use of benzodiazepines for example.

We each heal in our own ways. Be kind. Your parents are likely very concerned for you, and may be confused as they try to get the best care they can, and rightly question medications. Maybe they've seen symptoms that suggest you are overmedicated. I don't know. In my own experience, I wish I had been medically treated much earlier and that I fought with my prejudice against medication that prevented me from taking better self care.