We're listening, Sad. Keep sorting. Your answers are in there.

Arfie I can't keep going I can't keep looking. There is nothing but pain. I can't it hurts to bad. I can't sleep I am to afrade and I can see the world crumbling around me I don't want to be alone. I hate everything so much. Why can't things just go back. I hate this new house I'm so hungry I don't want to do this anymore I want to go home. But that doesn't mater

For sure, we don't get to re-write the past.

Keep on venting those Can't's. There are important Cans under the Can't's. Maybe if you tell the story(s) behind the negativity?

I have had some time time to cool down a bit I slept finally even if it was only for 2hours. I am angry, so angry at everyone! I'm angry at myself because I should have kept my mouth shut I could have waited 2 years and left. At least then I would know what to expect I have been living this life for 13 years. But no I got "brave" and told and now I don't know if my siblings are okay. I don't know if I am okay and it's all my fault. I hate my mom because why wasn't I good enough to notice, Why can't she care about me like she does the others. I try so hard to show her I am a person worth loving and she never sees it. I hate the system because why don't they know that this house they put me in is hell. Im never left alone. There is always someone watching me watching me eat, pee, walk to school. This is insane I can't even go to sleep at night without someone watching me. Not the kind of watching like a friend looking out for you. I have no one. I friends nothing no one to talk to I am alone but always watched. It all just hurts so bad there is a burning in my chest a hole that makes my bones ache. I don't know how to make it through this. People keep telling me the "hardest part of your life is over I'm so glad we saved you" no the hardest part of my life has just begun.

hi, and big hugs. it isn't true that you had it better with him - it seems true now because now is difficult and different. it was not ever ok for him to beat you or use you for sex. not ok to send you to have sex with other men either.

this part is hard isn't it. i'm with you there. i wonder what you can do to make it less difficult - or better words? to make it better. how to work toward being more independent by the time you are 18. how to be ready to do that when you turn 18.

also, things to do to prepare for the best future for yourself.

it doesn't seem like you are in an ok place when they are watching you this way??? perhaps telling someone is a good idea - the social worker? yes. especially the bathroom?? really? that can't be alright. are you in a foster home or a group home?

he probably played lots of manipulation games with you. so you got rewards too, not only punishments, not only beatings and weird head games, or terrorising. the rewards are probably hard to do without.

in this real life you are starting now, when you will be your own best friend and will tell yourself the truth, you will make the rules - you will start to put in place the plans for the way you will learn to make your own income. you will set aside some savings so that you can reward yourself. it is going to be so much better. it is going to be real. no torture, no fear, no confusion. you can build your life to be the way you want it to be. i agree that this is not the easy part, this will probably be difficult for you to do - it would have been difficult either way.

if you had not left though, he may have made you work for him. even after you turned 18, he may have kept making you do things for him. he will not change.

you were so brave and very smart to choose to get away.

What stands out to me from what you wrote tonight, s, and from what you've written before is this: "I hate my mom because why wasn't I good enough to notice, Why can't she care about me like she does the others. I try so hard to show her I am a person worth loving and she never sees it."

It stands out to me because, as I responded before when you wrote about it previously, I was caught in that situation, too. I am 59 now and old enough to know that all of my sincere, hard work to win my mom's love was misguided. I don't know about your mom, but in the case of my mom, the problem with her not loving me was a defect in her, not any defect in me.

Staying in a relationship with her that was all about trying in vain to get her to love me only turned me into a codependent and more damaged person. Getting my independence saved me.

But as much as people talk about wanting independence, few people really want to do what it takes to win it. It's every bit as hard as you're describing. I'm so sorry to say that I recognize how you feel in my own past.

All I can say is that you weren't stupid to be brave and speak up. The truth is the only way. It's just that the way to being set free by the truth is a very hard path to travel at first. It breaks my heart to hear your description of it because I was there once, too.

It does get better. Not all at once, but little by little. Independence brings self confidence, and being alone becomes strength and not abandonment. It's unthinkable now, I know, in this darkness you're in before the dawn. But dawn comes. I've been through the darkness you're in all the way to the light at the end of the tunnel.

Much support to you.

Everything is just so wrong I haven't really been able to sleep. And I'm realizing that even though I had a hard time before. I could zone out during the sex and I got used to the pain of the beatings but He would talk to me ask about my day. When my dad started doing drugs he took care of me. And protected me from him. I owe him. He is better than this place I can't do anything I need to do for me. I have to do whatever then need me to do. I have things I'm used to doing after school and I can't and they are always watching and like writing down what I do. How long my showers are and what I eat. It doesn't feel right. I can't wait to be 18 I can live on my own and do it on my own. I don't have to do anything with my body that I don't want to do. I don't know what I will do for a living though. I tried so hard to be good in school and get good grades but there was so much other things I had to do like get my siblings to school and make sure he got to work and make breakfast for everyone and then get everyone after school and help with homework and make sure the house is Clean enough that mom won't be mad. And I couldn't do it all plus school. So my grades are terrible. But I guess it doesn't matter of course school couldn't work out nothing ever works out. I tried to be brave and tell someone what was happening and that turned out to suck because I lost my mom and siblings and now live in this house that is creepy. Nothing ever works. I'm just over it I'm over it all.

My first steps away from the kiddie whorehouses were terrifying and filled with cravings to get back to the predictable torments. However hideous, at least I had worked out coping mechanisms. The unpredictability of life outside the familiar hell felt far worse. Why can't life be easy?

Continued support, Sadal. You are not alone.

Getting used to what you don't want and abuse is no good for you sad.... There is a far better life for you... . You deserve to be safe and have some peace in your life..... It will get better one moment at a time.... Gentle hug.....xo

You should talk to your case worker or school councilor about seeing your siblings. Tell them how much you're worried about them. Now you can talk to your friend at school who your step dad didn't want you to see too. At least now you don't have to worry about getting beaten or raped. Remember there are always helpers you can talk to.