So I am not really sure what happened with my therapy yesterday.  My depression has been severe and has come out of remission, basically.  My dx are depression and ptsd.  It was a bad thing that when my insurance changed that I lost my therapist.  It took three months to find a new one, and for me with my symptoms and issues, it's important that I maintain therapy; it does make a difference for me.  

So after many, many attempts to find a therapist, they kept cancelling or flaking or saying that they were available when they were not...I finally found someone that will do in person, as I much prefer it.  The clinic is only 15 minutes from my house. They are qualified and capable of handling the specific issues that I have (some are not) and they can see me weekly after work at 5 PM.  I don't know what happened yesterday, but I went to the appointment, and then the gym and did errands later, and I was hit with this massive anxiety and was crying later.  I ended up taking a mental health day today as I really could not get to sleep. 

I think that the session really touched on my issues because I had a pretty intense nightmare lastnight.  I was dreaming that I was at work and that someone was getting strangled and nearly killed. (I work in a school and have witnessed and also also experienced extreme violence to myself). In the dream, I confronted the person and then panicked and went to tell the principal.  There was a long line and I could not get into the principal to report the incident.  When it was finally my turn to talk to the principal, she suddenly said that she was busy and it was time for lunch, but that I could wait in her car with her while she and her kids at lunch. It was so strange. I was going to report abuse in this dream and got put off.  Suddenly, we were in Italy where she and her kids were having this fancy lunch (my vacation was there) and I had to sit in the foyer and wait on them finishing their lunch until I could make this report. It was unreal. The principal did not want to talk to me or take the report in the dream, and ironically it does go this way in real life too. 

What struck me about the dream was how real it felt.  I am dealing with so much and in my real life have contemplated reporting abuse recently (not at school/work, it's something else where I suspect abuse but am not sure). I won't go into the details of why here, but that is the current circumstance. I have also had to report abuse as a teacher, which is extremely stressful and have been through it myself.

In a weird way I guess the therapy is effective; even though I feel very strange and activated and anxious, at least it got me out of a severe low where everything feels like I am moving through molasses or like a perpetual state of anhedonia.  Wow that was intense. I am interviewing for a job today and hope that if I take the job, the new hours won't interfere with this 5 PM slot.  I really, really need to be in therapy and I don't feel like starting all over and looking for yet another one due to scheduling!!!