Hi CW. Welcome to the forum. Sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here. Sounds like you will fit right in. I hope you have found the right place. Healing happens here. Hope it happens to you.

Yes, this happens to me, as well. The deep-seated rage of my own cPTSD can be raging and a stranger in gridlock can see it better than I can. One of the qualities I find most ironic about the mammalian condition is that we cannot see ourselves. Our eyes are physically positioned thaus that we can see reflections of ourselves, images of ourselves and/or pieces of ourselves, but the physical position of our eyes is such that we cannot see ourselves. Nor can we hear ourselves. The sonic vibrations bouncing around my noisy, tortured head are not the same sonic vibrations which reach your ear canals.

The best fix I have found for it is my support network. Even in gently supportive environments, trust is really, really hard for me, but the work pays off when I am able to compassionately recognize myself in other people's eyes.

I don't know of any micro-wave solutions. Even the pill cocktails have limited solution power. I takes it one step at a time.

Welcome aboard, CW.

Welcome, and...

Oh boy. Yep, it happens to me. I was forced into silence so much as a kid that sometimes when I speak now as an adult, that need to be heard gets into my tone and I don't know it till the reactions fly back to tell me my action.

There's no quick fixes that last, in my opinion, but I will say that it's good your parents are telling you this. At least they're wqilling to communicate and not just shut the door forever.

Anger is a huge seething issue for a lot of us, and comes out in weird ways. My husband claims he can tell my inner anger level by how finely I chop veggies for supper. (I never noticed this till he mentioned it. Now I pay attention to it. Argh.)

Only advice I have besides the obvious (therapy, etc.).... Wheenver you feel you're losing your temper or you are getting "snippy" as my mom calls it? *HALT* Are you hungry/thirst? Angry? Lonely? Tired? Say nothing until you're sure which it is. Being tired screws me up.

And watch your body language. I know I'm getting near my "edge" when I hunch up my shoulders or make fists, etc., everyone's different. So if you recognize it, you can change your physical language, and take a deep breath, and let it out, and go ahead and say, "I'm tense, tired, fill-in-blank, but I don't mean to sound cranky..."

Marital therapy gave me that tidbit about 20 years ago. (Now married 23 years, so obviously, it helped, LOL).

And if nothing else? Write it out, paint it out, get clay and beat it up into ashtrays, whatever, and maybe the "key" will make itself known.

Sorry to ramble. These are what help me.

Gentle support,
Leo

Thank you Arfie! I'm sorry you experience this as well. It sucks feeling like this!! My support network is...my parents. I hurt them both the day I told them I had been raped, my father still does not know it's been a total of three times, only mom. I don't like taking meds. they only make me feel worse...more numb, if possible. My parents tell me I look like a zombie.

Thank you Leo!!!! You didn't ramble. To where I'm sorry you experience this as well, I'm glad I'm not alone in these feelings!!

[just to be sure others know: Marie is back, but under a different (her third ?) screen name]

Marie: I'm so sorry for your continued struggles. Like most of us, I totally understand.

I hope that every single tomorrow is better than ANY of your yesterdays. Truly.

What happened to you .... repeatedly ... is the worst of humanity. I don't have any trite words of encouragement, but I DO constantly hear the strength in your posts.

I think about something a therapist told me, years ago: there's a difference between 'fractured' and 'broken.'

You may have become fairly fractured, but you are NOT broken.

It's just a matter of finding all the cracks, and figuring out how best to heal them.

I know you will. I hope it's soon.

I wish you peace, health, and strength !

Yes my third...as I have slowly got worse. I'm glad someone can see strength in me, because honestly I feel weak. I don't understand why stupid things are enough to make me loose my temper these days. Nothing makes sense right now.

What if each of my attackers hold the missing pieces to make me whole again? This is going to sound stupid, but I often feel like I'm sand, the tighter I hold onto it, the quicker it escapes. This is my anger, the tighter the reins, the quicker I loose my temper.

I'm sorry, I know I'm not making sense...

Very normal. I was a really condescending, smart a$$ and sarcastic. Boy was I sarcastic and condescending, I would deliberately lead people down the road in a conversation so I could be condescending and sarcastic, then I would think to myself, boy these people are so stupid. Really they were, it was my coworkers who were being bullies and created a hostile work environment when the company decided I had to leave one way or another because of my PTSD. I even zinged HR more than once. They were idiots! My family got it too, friends anyone who made me angry or disagreed with me. I did not even realize it most of the time.

It is a defense to help ward off things that might hurt you. Like shoot first and ask questions later. It is a protection defense driven from anger.

Do you have a counselor, if not get one and start working to reduce the anger in you. You can also exercise hard because it will help to reduce anger. Do physical work when you feel upset and scream if you want to. I have a lot of anger issues too. Not fun, but manageable, I am 1000x better than I was, but still have a ways to go yet.

Welcome. I understand from what I'm reading here that it's actually welcome back, right? Hey, in the years I've been here now, I've seen friends leave and then return under a different name a couple of times. So if you've done it now for a third time, no biggie. We're here and glad you are, too. We need you as much as you ever need us.

It seems from what you're saying that what's changed in your dx is a shift from PTSD to C-PTSD. I have C-PTSD, too. It really sobers a person up to hear what the difference is. It was when I really got the message that C-PTSD meant for me that my post traumatic disorder was going to be lifelong. I had to adjust to thinking it was a permanent chronic health issue for me to deal with long term.

That meant a big change in my expectations. Not an easy change to make. The biggest positive change I made as a result of settling in for the C-PTSD long haul, though, was to settle in here for the long haul, and I've been here ever since. It's really helped. You're not alone.

I've talked to my mom about how I sound angry but it's not at her. People with ptsd often have a lot of anger we hold in. I also lose my temper quickly. It's good to have a plan and excuse yourself to go cool off.
Sorry you're not doing well; I hope you feel better soon.