This is a good place to start. You need only tell us what you want to tell us. We will never judge you, and only offer our own experiences to help support.

hugs

yadlim

It's hard to explain the place I've managed to arrive at, and I'm not even sure whether it's a good thing or just how I've managed to cope with everything but it's almost as if I've separated my past self and the things that I've gone through from who I am now, like talking about it, it's not me that went through it, it's almost like watching a really sad, disturbed movie.

And the one and only time I went to therapy, I had to be talked into it (I'm a very private person, almost no one knows about half the crap in my past) and the "therapist" I went to basically said "here's some drugs, deal with it and move on" like it was nothing. I haven't been able to bring myself to go back.

I'm sorry that you had a really bad experience with therapy, but like Yadlim said, here is a great place to start. I can relate to you when you mentioned that it doesn't feel like it's you that went through what you went through and that it feels like you're watching a disturbed movie. I've felt like when I look back at the stuff that I've gone through as well, it's a bizarre feeling, for sure. But it's how some of us cope with intense and traumatic things that we've endured. It's our brain's way of protecting us.

That's exactly how it feels, like my brain won't let me remember it as my own past. Like somehow it's easier to deal with if it wasn't me. But at the same time I feel like I need to accept that it is actually my last in order to make any sort of progress.

I think acceptance comes with the process of working through it. When I worked through my abuse, telling my story out loud made me feel like I was right back in the situation and made me realize that it was actually me going through it and had gone through it. And also during this process, you work out your emotions and accepting it is part of the emotions part of the process. In a way, it's like going through the steps of grieving. You're grieving over your last and yourself, if that makes sense?

It makes complete sense. It's always been the out loud part that has been difficult for me. I don't talk much as it is but talking about my past, out loud. I think most of it is a fear of being able to see and hear the persons reaction. I don't tend to do well with first reactions but I also don't show when I'm not doing well. I keep it together until I'm alone.

There is a part of me that knows that I'm also afraid of being reminded that that is my life. And I really get scared of showing my emotions in front of people.

I'm very guarded when it usually comes to showing my emotions to people as well. There's only a few people that have actually seen me cry, and I usually tend to hide my emotions, which doesn't work out too well in the long run. I'll admit, talking about my abuse and working through it was probably the hardest thing I've done, but it was a huge, helpful step in my healing process. And for the first reaction of someone, if you're talking to a therapist about, they're trained and have worked with people who've been in these types of situations, so they're pretty much use to talking/hearing about it, but having that feeling of being scared of their reaction is completely understandable. And if you're talking to is about it, chances are we've been in a similar situation one way or another and don't want to be judged for what we've been through, so we don't do it to others. It's hard to see what has happened to is as our life. We picture our life being this perfect little story with nothing bad in it, so when something bad happens, it's hard to relate to ourselves, even if it is us, we couldn't even fathom what we have gone through, so it's hard to picture our lives like that.

Welcome, and I'd say this is a good place to start. Congratulations on how you've managed to cope, as you say. It's hard to say what we've been through out loud. Sometimes I think typing it here is a warmup to actually putting a voice to our experiences. If you have a therapist, that helps, too. Glad you're here.

The name I like for that feeling that it happened to somebody else is, "Dissociation." My personal reaction was total amnesia. The name "Dissociation" works for that, too. When we are handed more than we can handle, we create blocks to distance ourselves from it.

I encourage you to consider yourself started, hough. "Small bites and long chews" has been my own healing mainstay. You just bit off a chunk. Take some time to chew on it. Congratulate yourself profusely while you chew. When you are ready for the next bite, you will know where to sink your psychic teeth. It is fully okay if it takes a while before you are ready for the next bite. Time has no meaning in the healing process.

Welcome to the forum.

Welcome, and I blocked it from conscious memory bu tthat didn't exactly mean it wasn't affecting me.

I had a horrible first counselor for rape trauma at 18---then found a better one---and that's where I'm at now, a trusted therapist last week threw me for such a loop I reported him to his supervisor --- so back on the hunt....

I do find therapy very useful, when the therapist and I are in a relationship of trust and open communication about what I need and how they can help....

But taking steps to go back?? Took me six months to do it, and I screened carefully...

So give yourself plenty of time to get used to the idea, etc...

Gentle smiles,
Leo

Hugs and soft safe feelings!!!

I will say that a good 40% of what is causing my issues I can't remember at all - and at this point in my life there is no way I can or want to remember. The other 60% has been since adulthood... and again, I don't remember 90% of that at all - unless someone pushes me to remember, and even then it can sometimes take days for the memories to surface.

... but when they do surface, I curl up in the fetal position and scream until I pass out cold, coming around usually in an hour or two.

When I am ready, which might be a few more years, I think I am going to start with writing down small bits of it. Then rewriting it again and again until I feel that I can actually say it.

How I got here... I managed to hide my emotional pain behind physical pain. Now my emotional issues are stopping me from physically healing, but I try to improve one small check mark at a time.

Yesterday I did some online yoga and mediation and could not believe how CALM I felt after just 15 minutes. I am going to try to do it every day from here forward. (Today was just crazy and does not count)

hugs

yadlim

No idea where to start...that's what I'm like before coffee...

I have been working with someone who specializes in trauma; if you choose to go for counseling someone who specializes in trauma is who you ought to look for.

You might also look into support groups, I understand Adult Children of Alcoholics might be good for that (though I myself have not been)
I was going to an adults molested as children group for a while, that was good.

...except I don't know if that's part of what's ailing you...

Meditation and yoga are good and I need to get disciplined about doing both.

Well, the fact that you think you need to deal with the past in order to improve your present and future is a start.

I'd suggest not going to a psychiatrist and only use a therapist. They don't have the power to prescribe meds. And tell the person up front about your bad experience.

Do you know anybody who's seeing one now who can refer you? Can you research them online? How about going with a large group so you can do an intake and tell them you situation so they can set you up with the right kind of person?

There's a way to get started; I'm glad you are on the right path! : )