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Really struggling with this mentally today, had to take klonopin which i mostly use for sleep lately, took a nap and nightmares like crazy and flashbacks all day. Really need support right now. Okay here it goes, another step to taking the power away from the Bastard that changed my life forever........ This so hard because im ashamed what happened to me and ashamed i stopped fighting him......
My Attack
Chris wanted me to pick him up at 5, I was 15 minutes late to get him because I had made him a German chocolate cake with coconut pecan frosting which he loved and it had taken longer than I had planned. When I get to his house (he had a car, but didn’t want to use his gas to come over) he started yelling at me right away. On the way to my place I stopped at the BP I worked at in Quinnesec and was about to get out when Chris says, what are you getting? I said Pepsi and gas, he says, get me a pop! I say of course and he slaps me on the right side of my face. I get out to fill up on gas and go in to get the Pepsi’s and go up to the counter and ask my coworker for Marlboro lights and a lighter, he looks at my face and says, let me call the cops, I say no I’m fine, it’s my fault. He tries to get me to stay, I say, please ring me up, he does and I hide the smokes in my purse. We ride back to my place in silence until we get into my apartment. Then he starts going off on me about knowing my place with him. I tell him about the cake I made him and show it to him and he throws the pan to the floor breaking it. I grab my purse and grab the smokes and lighters out of it and head to the door needing to get fresh air. Chris slams me against the door grabbing my arm until it causes my hand to open up and the smokes and lighter fall to the floor. He starts yelling at me saying how stupid and useless I was and punches me in the right side of my chest with a fist. He punches my chest and arms four or five times and I’m just sobbing. He stops, and I rush and get away and hurry to the bedroom thinking I could shut and lock the door and be safe from him. He follows me though and throws me on the bed saying he was going to take what is his for once. Chris grabs my cell phone out of my pocket (always wore jeans back then) and then he starts very roughly taking my shirt and pants off me ripping my black tank top. I try to fight him hitting at him, trying to get away but he’s bigger than me and it’s no use. Once he gets my shirt and jean capris off me he starts roughly ripping off my bra and under wear. At this point, I’m screaming for help and for him to stop and start begging him to stop. I remember thinking I am about to be raped and I can’t stop him. I start praying he doesn’t kill me. Chris is still holding me down by also pulls off his pants and boxers. I am sobbing and begging him to stop now. He slaps me in the face telling me if I could be daddy’s little slut I can be his whore. He gets on top of me and I keep fighting him trying to get him off me so he shoves his entire hand up inside me and I scream, my body is taking over by the pain and he says very quietly that if I don’t stop screaming and fighting him this is what he will keep doing until I stop. I stop and just sob terrified. He laughs an evil laugh I never heard from him before and pulls his hand out of me. I close my eyes willing it to just be over and he sticks his penis inside me calling me a slut and whore and saying I should have been giving this to him all along as he shoves himself in and out of me. I stay silent sobbing as I pray that it’ll be over soon. It seems to last forever then it was suddenly over and he gets off me. I can’t move I’m in shock. I’m frozen. He gets dressed and I still haven’t moved so he shows me to the floor. He kicks me in the lower back with his steel toed work boots on and says get dressed to take me home whore, and if you tell anyone your mom will be dead.
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I haven't written in my diary on my computer since May because I thought that my computer was dying. I got away from writing but my computer is hanging in there. I think that I will start writing in it again. It's so therapeutic.
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Today (August 8) is INternational Cat Day. Don't click away! International DOG day is August 26! Both were created to raise aweareness and funds for the well-being of critters. We have many such dayts, to the pint that every day is like an old Catholic saints' day calendar: Take your pick!I'm home, obvs, and still ill. Left calf and foot not great after a tangle-fall, but i'll live. Just can't...
You should not be ashamed of what happened to you. I mean, obviously you know this, but seriously, he is abusive and was the one in the wrong. Why do you feel shame? Perhaps understanding that will help you work through your feelings better.
Maybe you are ashamed because you got into this relationship, and continued even after you saw the signs of abuse. So then, you have to ask, well, what was I trying to work out by doing this and what is a the root of that?
A lot of times we have low self esteem or have been abused before, so we accept behavior that we should not accept and are even attracted to people who mistreat us. You'll need to forgive yourself for that and for anything else you feel ashamed about. Sometimes talking it out with other survivors helps because you realize that the issues are common among us. And it helps to work of the root issues.
EMDR seems to be helping me with my CPTSD symptoms. Have you tried it or considered trying it? I may help alleviate some of the more intense emotions that come up for you when you re-live this.
I'm sorry you are struggling and hope you feel better soon.
No one deserves to be treated these ways.
My trauma tales are still not my favorite stories to tell, but I have found great freedom in being ABLE to tell them and even greater freedom in being able to continue living my life in the here and now, even after whatever random reminder.
I feel ashamed because i stopped fighting him. Like is that telling him ok i consent? I dont know im confused!
I also wish I could say your description of your abuser's behavior was unfamiliar to me, but it's not. My family of origin carried on like that weekly. I'm not kidding: weekly. In the car, in the home, once even in the ER.
My father had put my mother in the ER, and as I've written here before, he made the mistake of getting too close to her as she lay on her gurney in the hospital's hallway. She reached out and got him by the groin and took him down to the floor in agony right there in front of doctors, nurses, and other ER patients.
In my family there wasn't just one abuser; both gave as good as they got. When the two of them ganged up on one of us kids, it was brutal. They put bars on bedroom windows so there would be no escape, and then they drew blood with no remorse. In therapy my doc and I concluded both were probably untreated for mental illness. He probably had bipolar disorder, she probably had borderline personality disorder.
Telling your story again in detail like that is hard but I find it's healthy, I don't like reliving those years and years of violence in my family. But repetition brings mastery, my doc says, and I find it's true.
The first time I tell the story of one of those brutal moments, it's almost as painful as the day it happened. But if I start telling it again and again in the larger setting of my whole life, it becomes smaller in context. Every time it's re-told, it has less power and I have more power. As author I get more authority over it.
Hope it gets to be that way for you. Keep sharing as much as you need to; we're here.
It may or not be relevant, but the freeze defense mechanism is most common in survivors of childhood abuse. The reason is, because as children, we may have tried to resist abuse and fight, but it was ineffective. We were harmed anyway and sometimes harmed more when we fought. So, we learned, don't fight, freeze, disassociate, accept what is happening... There is a term for this, it is called, "learned helplessness." And, it's okay.
I've done if myself. I was raped and aroused by it (because of my past history of abuse and neurological link that was created between arousal and abuse). I felt ashamed about it and more or less let him off the hook for his actions because of the way my body responded. It took a while to process, but eventually I came to recognize that it did not begin consentually and I came to realize that I was really angry and hurt because consent was violated. It can be confusing, but you did not deserve what happened to you and you should not feel ashamed.
Perhaps ask your therapist about EMDR. It may help with the nightmares.
I do hope you find relief and create a better future for yourself.