Really struggling with this mentally today, had to take klonopin which i mostly use for sleep lately, took a nap and nightmares like crazy and flashbacks all day. Really need support right now. Okay here it goes, another step to taking the power away from the Bastard that changed my life forever........ This so hard because im ashamed what happened to me and ashamed i stopped fighting him...... 

My Attack

Chris wanted me to pick him up at 5, I was 15 minutes late to get him because I had made him a German chocolate cake with coconut pecan frosting which he loved and it had taken longer than I had planned. When I get to his house (he had a car, but didn’t want to use his gas to come over) he started yelling at me right away. On the way to my place I stopped at the BP I worked at in Quinnesec and was about to get out when Chris says, what are you getting? I said Pepsi and gas, he says, get me a pop! I say of course and he slaps me on the right side of my face. I get out to fill up on gas and go in to get the Pepsi’s and go up to the counter and ask my coworker for Marlboro lights and a lighter, he looks at my face and says, let me call the cops, I say no I’m fine, it’s my fault. He tries to get me to stay, I say, please ring me up, he does and I hide the smokes in my purse. We ride back to my place in silence until we get into my apartment. Then he starts going off on me about knowing my place with him. I tell him about the cake I made him and show it to him and he throws the pan to the floor breaking it. I grab my purse and grab the smokes and lighters out of it and head to the door needing to get fresh air. Chris slams me against the door grabbing my arm until it causes my hand to open up and the smokes and lighter fall to the floor. He starts yelling at me saying how stupid and useless I was and punches me in the right side of my chest with a fist. He punches my chest and arms four or five times and I’m just sobbing. He stops, and I rush and get away and hurry to the bedroom thinking I could shut and lock the door and be safe from him. He follows me though and throws me on the bed saying he was going to take what is his for once. Chris grabs my cell phone out of my pocket (always wore jeans back then) and then he starts very roughly taking my shirt and pants off me ripping my black tank top. I try to fight him hitting at him, trying to get away but he’s bigger than me and it’s no use. Once he gets my shirt and jean capris off me he starts roughly ripping off my bra and under wear. At this point, I’m screaming for help and for him to stop and start begging him to stop. I remember thinking I am about to be raped and I can’t stop him. I start praying he doesn’t kill me. Chris is still holding me down by also pulls off his pants and boxers. I am sobbing and begging him to stop now. He slaps me in the face telling me if I could be daddy’s little slut I can be his whore. He gets on top of me and I keep fighting him trying to get him off me so he shoves his entire hand up inside me and I scream, my body is taking over by the pain and he says very quietly that if I don’t stop screaming and fighting him this is what he will keep doing until I stop. I stop and just sob terrified. He laughs an evil laugh I never heard from him before and pulls his hand out of me. I close my eyes willing it to just be over and he sticks his penis inside me calling me a slut and whore and saying I should have been giving this to him all along as he shoves himself in and out of me. I stay silent sobbing as I pray that it’ll be over soon. It seems to last forever then it was suddenly over and he gets off me. I can’t move I’m in shock. I’m frozen. He gets dressed and I still haven’t moved so he shows me to the floor. He kicks me in the lower back with his steel toed work boots on and says get dressed to take me home whore, and if you tell anyone your mom will be dead.