So, in an unprecedented conversation I never thought I would experience one of my past abusers apologized to me today, and I don't know how to handle it.

Not only did this person apologize, they broke down and cried. This is a family member close to me and I have seen them cry only three times in my life. I realized it wasn't my place to talk so I simply listened. They explained what they had been through that prompted them to hurt me, how sorry they were for the things they had happened, how they pretended like it never happened as a way to cope, and how terrible they felt for putting me through trauma just to later deny it when I began trying to talk about it as a teen.

This person apologized for several specific events in particular (one of which sent me to therapy, required me to stay in a mental health facility for over week, and placed me on medication for almost two years; another of which I still suffer permanent physical trauma from) and begged me for forgiveness.

I told them that I had already forgiven them a long time ago, and that I understood even then that their issue wasn't with me (it really wasn't; I physically looked like one of their triggers and we lived together under this state for a while). I encouraged them to forgive themself and said that I already had.

So... I wouldn't say I had forgiven them prior to today but I had certainly moved on. I spent years in therapy learning how to cope with never knowing why what happened, happened, and with knowing there would always be some answers I never got.

Well, I got answers. I got more answers than I wanted. I got more answers than I bargained for.

I don't feel sad I don't think. I definitely don't feel angry. I don't feel depressed or suicidal. I think I just feel bad for them, and that makes me feel weird. I'm worried this is not an appropriate emotional response to the situation (I mean, should I feel bad for an abuser that they can't get past the abuse they inflicted?). I guess I just realize I may have carried this trauma with me through my teens and into my early adult hood but I've been able to talk about my past without breaking down for years. I moved past this. I beat it... and I realize they haven't.

The knowledge of what they did to me is something they are going to carry with themselves every day. This person admitted they have to disassociate those memories from themselves otherwise they drown themselves in substance abuse (even now).

I don't think I've ever seen this side of that person, and I honestly didn't know it existed.

This outpouring of emotion was prompted, I think, by my physical health. I think this person is scared I would die before they apologized (because a lot is going to be up in the air for me over the next month physically). I wasn't expecting it ever though, let alone today; I was dropping off a box full of children's clothes that didn't fit my daughter for a friend of theirs.

We got to talking about the events in Paris, my physical health, and my sibling's mental health, at which point this person broke down on me and unloaded all of these feelings into my lap.

I let it go years ago, though. There are some things I may never forgive, but I had moved on from all of them. I don't carry this trauma with me and the trauma I do still recall isn't related to this person in any way. As far as I was concerned this issue was resolved, you know?

Now I don't quite know how to feel; more than anything I think I feel sad for them that they have carried it this long and will continue to carry it with them.

How do I deal with this? Is this normal? Have any of you been through this before?