Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
So, in an unprecedented conversation I never thought I would experience one of my past abusers apologized to me today, and I don't know how to handle it.
Not only did this person apologize, they broke down and cried. This is a family member close to me and I have seen them cry only three times in my life. I realized it wasn't my place to talk so I simply listened. They explained what they had been through that prompted them to hurt me, how sorry they were for the things they had happened, how they pretended like it never happened as a way to cope, and how terrible they felt for putting me through trauma just to later deny it when I began trying to talk about it as a teen.
This person apologized for several specific events in particular (one of which sent me to therapy, required me to stay in a mental health facility for over week, and placed me on medication for almost two years; another of which I still suffer permanent physical trauma from) and begged me for forgiveness.
I told them that I had already forgiven them a long time ago, and that I understood even then that their issue wasn't with me (it really wasn't; I physically looked like one of their triggers and we lived together under this state for a while). I encouraged them to forgive themself and said that I already had.
So... I wouldn't say I had forgiven them prior to today but I had certainly moved on. I spent years in therapy learning how to cope with never knowing why what happened, happened, and with knowing there would always be some answers I never got.
Well, I got answers. I got more answers than I wanted. I got more answers than I bargained for.
I don't feel sad I don't think. I definitely don't feel angry. I don't feel depressed or suicidal. I think I just feel bad for them, and that makes me feel weird. I'm worried this is not an appropriate emotional response to the situation (I mean, should I feel bad for an abuser that they can't get past the abuse they inflicted?). I guess I just realize I may have carried this trauma with me through my teens and into my early adult hood but I've been able to talk about my past without breaking down for years. I moved past this. I beat it... and I realize they haven't.
The knowledge of what they did to me is something they are going to carry with themselves every day. This person admitted they have to disassociate those memories from themselves otherwise they drown themselves in substance abuse (even now).
I don't think I've ever seen this side of that person, and I honestly didn't know it existed.
This outpouring of emotion was prompted, I think, by my physical health. I think this person is scared I would die before they apologized (because a lot is going to be up in the air for me over the next month physically). I wasn't expecting it ever though, let alone today; I was dropping off a box full of children's clothes that didn't fit my daughter for a friend of theirs.
We got to talking about the events in Paris, my physical health, and my sibling's mental health, at which point this person broke down on me and unloaded all of these feelings into my lap.
I let it go years ago, though. There are some things I may never forgive, but I had moved on from all of them. I don't carry this trauma with me and the trauma I do still recall isn't related to this person in any way. As far as I was concerned this issue was resolved, you know?
Now I don't quite know how to feel; more than anything I think I feel sad for them that they have carried it this long and will continue to carry it with them.
How do I deal with this? Is this normal? Have any of you been through this before?
Not only did this person apologize, they broke down and cried. This is a family member close to me and I have seen them cry only three times in my life. I realized it wasn't my place to talk so I simply listened. They explained what they had been through that prompted them to hurt me, how sorry they were for the things they had happened, how they pretended like it never happened as a way to cope, and how terrible they felt for putting me through trauma just to later deny it when I began trying to talk about it as a teen.
This person apologized for several specific events in particular (one of which sent me to therapy, required me to stay in a mental health facility for over week, and placed me on medication for almost two years; another of which I still suffer permanent physical trauma from) and begged me for forgiveness.
I told them that I had already forgiven them a long time ago, and that I understood even then that their issue wasn't with me (it really wasn't; I physically looked like one of their triggers and we lived together under this state for a while). I encouraged them to forgive themself and said that I already had.
So... I wouldn't say I had forgiven them prior to today but I had certainly moved on. I spent years in therapy learning how to cope with never knowing why what happened, happened, and with knowing there would always be some answers I never got.
Well, I got answers. I got more answers than I wanted. I got more answers than I bargained for.
I don't feel sad I don't think. I definitely don't feel angry. I don't feel depressed or suicidal. I think I just feel bad for them, and that makes me feel weird. I'm worried this is not an appropriate emotional response to the situation (I mean, should I feel bad for an abuser that they can't get past the abuse they inflicted?). I guess I just realize I may have carried this trauma with me through my teens and into my early adult hood but I've been able to talk about my past without breaking down for years. I moved past this. I beat it... and I realize they haven't.
The knowledge of what they did to me is something they are going to carry with themselves every day. This person admitted they have to disassociate those memories from themselves otherwise they drown themselves in substance abuse (even now).
I don't think I've ever seen this side of that person, and I honestly didn't know it existed.
This outpouring of emotion was prompted, I think, by my physical health. I think this person is scared I would die before they apologized (because a lot is going to be up in the air for me over the next month physically). I wasn't expecting it ever though, let alone today; I was dropping off a box full of children's clothes that didn't fit my daughter for a friend of theirs.
We got to talking about the events in Paris, my physical health, and my sibling's mental health, at which point this person broke down on me and unloaded all of these feelings into my lap.
I let it go years ago, though. There are some things I may never forgive, but I had moved on from all of them. I don't carry this trauma with me and the trauma I do still recall isn't related to this person in any way. As far as I was concerned this issue was resolved, you know?
Now I don't quite know how to feel; more than anything I think I feel sad for them that they have carried it this long and will continue to carry it with them.
How do I deal with this? Is this normal? Have any of you been through this before?
-
I don't really know how to label this but I having a rough week and I can't say it's one thing.... I have a lot on my plate which is nothing new and I try to cope in many positive ways and do but I still have my moments.My kids more so my daughters talk to me about everything which I know it's cause of comfort and we are close.... however I really struggle with the venting about their dad which...
-
I did the dumbest thing today. I charged my earbuds, unplugged the block and put the block in my little bag instead of the earbuds. I wasn't happy about that when I got to the gym. What a dummy!
It has to have been an enormous event for you. Whatever resolution you had come to before, surely this shifted the ground beneath your feet in unexpected ways. Please recognize the magnitude of this event and give yourself the space and TLC to work through it.
(((Comforting hugs)))
This is huge, and it takes time to really thoroughly "process", but I did have this occur. A school bully, not family, but she apologized, etc. etc. and I was left agog. Five years after putting me through yet another level of he** in my life, of convincing me my life was in danger from her.... She's apologizing? Utter confusion.
I hadn't actually thought of her for years by then. I was very confused as to what/how to feel, but mostly I was like, "OK. Thanks. Have a good life. Thanks." Then that's all I had.... And all I still have. To realize she had gone through he** of her own, felt bad, was finding her way to a coping that didn't involve hurting others.... I felt bad for her, and sad to see how much her life hurt her, and wished her well. It was all I could do.
My dad and sis, who were the lifetime abusers for me, died in my early 20s. I'm in my mid-forties. I'll never hear it from them. But as I piece together their pasts? Deal with my mom's reaction to my PTSD? I've come to understand that all that kept me from being the same is a few small choices and a few big choices and some luck.... It's hard to explain. They raised me to be them. I didn't do that. And.... If they did apologize? I'd react a lot like you. Sadness for them. I feel that for them now sometimes.
No idea if that helps, but I dealt with it by simply wishing that school bully well, and putting her back in the box filed "Dealt with and done", and going forward...
Only when his behavior changed did we get past it.
Sounds like you are there.
How did I feel? Relived, but also sad. Because it's still a death- a death of the resentment. If that makes any sense.
Hugs.
This is going to take some time, and I am grateful for all of you who took the time to grant me support, encouragement, and direction.
I think I am going to try to distract myself this evening, sleep on it, and reassess my feelings tomorrow. At the moment I just feel tired (very old, and very tired).
Thank you all for walking alongside me through this. I know I'm new to the group and it's been an emotional week for me (it seems that when one thing upsets, all things upset!), but you've really helped me through a lot.
This week has been the most chaotic one I've had in several years and I couldn't be more grateful for all of you.
So it's good to hear that it still happens. I understand, however, how it would be a lot to process and I admire you for being well prepared in your recovery by therapy for that fact. A different abuser of mine didn't apologize, but he did get convicted and go to prison. Though for justice to be done was a dream of mine fulfilled, it taught be that my healing work had to go on regardless. So your mixed feelings may be similar. Much support to you.
I am imagining that it stirred up a broader range of emotion than the system can process at one time. Give yourself lots and lots of time to sort through it all.
Gentle support while you process.
Arfie - thanks for the support. I am doing my best to give this time. I'm the kind of person who usually knows how they feel right away, and the only thing I know for sure right now is that I don't know how to feel and no one emotion has overridden the others yet (I feel like my emotions are drifting in and out of smoky swirls if that makes sense; or like an 8-ball that has been shaken but hasn't produced a response yet).
Mugwort - how long did it take to figure out how you felt about the apology once you got it? Do you think knowing why your mother did what she did made a difference in how you feel about it?
KAdunn - I am sorry to hear they apologized but hadn't changed. That's awful. :(
Deli - how long did it take you to move past it? Are you still in contact with your abuser? What is your relationship like now (may I ask)?
Freedom - thank you for the kind words; I appreciate them.
Leo - you said you felt bad for what she had been through; do you think that level of understanding helped you forgive her? I'm working on the "Dealt with it" but I can't help but want to try to help the abuser get past it. They are part of my family and I love them as such, and want to see them get the help they need to not carry this. I worry it's not an appropriate emotional response especially after everything they put me through, but I love them all the same. Does that sound weird? Do you love your family even though they hurt you?
Donna- you were the first person to respond and I just wanted to let you know I felt validated and less alone because of your message. I really appreciate it; I was in a highly fragile place when I made this post and I think I really just needed someone to tell me it was okay to not be okay (if that makes sense?). Your post gave me an instant wave of relief and I appreciate you. Thank you.
1. Still love my family
2. Cannot help them. It's not that I don't want to. Good grief, I've about broken myself trying to help my mom the last year, and the last six months especially.... But because we have that *family* dynamic? We often can't get the *distance* needed to effectively help someone. We can drive them to their AA meeting or hold their hand in a waiting room, but we can't get too deep----or they don't do the work, we do. And we're back in that weird dynamic again. Only as enablers, perhaps, rather than "victims" (me and mom, because that need to help-fix-care-cure got all messed up and exploited blah blah blah)..... Anyway, point is, hand them pamphlets, offer them good wishes, but don't go too deep, okay?
Think of it this way---as my husband told me in anger, but it is true----if you are trying to learn to swim, should you be a lifeguard for someone else? ....
My abuser is dead I believe ( or 103 years old), so I would not hear that in this lifetime. I think forgiveness is healthy way to move on. Thanks again for sharing, it is nice to hear
Muskoka - none of my abusers have passed. Please forgive me if this question sounds insensitive but: does there having passed away lend you some kind of permanent finality? Does this make PTSD easier to navigate do you think, or does it bring its own set of issues? I have an abuser in my family I have often said I think would bring me peace if they were to pass (because then I wouldn't have to worry or navigate the weirdly tricky family dynamic), but I am curious as to how that works in actual practice. I apologize in advance if the question seems offensive; I do not mean to imply I think you have it easier because the abuser is gone, this is sincerely a genuine question about something I have no knowledge.
I felt him around me a few months ago, I know this sounds strange, but I think he was trying to say sorry. I haven't shared this with anyone but I felt some relief that he could see the harm from the other side. It was a weird feeling, like did this actually happen. Either way it brought me some peace and understanding. Perhaps it is because I believe we have many lives and I am sure I wasn't perfect in all of them.
I still get triggered when I am around the pattern of pedophile's or RA abusers. But it is nice in other ways he is gone. Hope that helps