I’ve had a mini breakthrough. And it feels great.

So I’ve had PTSD for pretty much my whole life (my trauma being sexual abuse I experienced as a kid) and for the past 5 years I have been very good at ignoring it and pretending that  I’m fine. Obviously it will creep in every now and then and bite me in the butt but overall I was really good at ignoring it.

Well this past month has been incredibly difficult. I’ve been in a really bad funk. I have a hard time focusing at work, I stop talking as much, I have a difficult time connecting with the people I love, and I can see my predator’s face all the time. Every time I see a little girl, I see myself being abused, etc. just constant reminders everywhere.

Now, my parents know what happened to me but because I became good at faking it, they assumed I was fine. And  I really think I was mostly faking it to protect them. I didn’t want to hurt them. And I wanted to be the “perfect” kid for them and by admitting my pain, I would be tampering that “perfect” image. It was all in my head. They never put that kind of pressure on me, I inflicted it on myself. 

Anyway, tonight I gave in. I told them how I’ve been feeling and once I started, I couldn’t stop. It all came spewing out like a faucet. They were understanding and supportive. They asked me what I need, they listened to me, they told me they love me, and they shared their own feelings with the whole thing and I really appreciated that. All this time, for the past 5 years at least, I have been lying to myself and to them, telling everyone that I was fine even though I wasn’t out of fear of disappointing them, of ruining my “perfect” image with them when I had nothing to worry about. 

I know everything’s not okay and that’s okay. I know I have a long way to go and many more challenges ahead, but this was probably the scariest one and I’m very proud of myself for doing it. Just wanted to share my small victory. Love you all!