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Men still scare me

pineappleSun
pineappleSun

Its hypocrytical of me to say that men scare me when they swear. I swear a lot. However, something about it just sits in my bones after I hear it. It activates my nervous system.


I did a brave thing today and I said "No" to a car dealer who wouldnt take my offer on a used vehicle I was looking at. My car is starting to break down. I wanted to upgrade to a truck or SUV. My heart wanted the truck.


Though my uncle kinda helped me with this over the phone about what to do and say, it makes me feel like a fraud because I got help. I feel I always need help. And I realize I cant always do things on my own, I need help.


The car dealer/salesman was a liar. Fun to deal with. Which is funny because my EMDR session was focusing on processing that "I can trust some people" however my life has been filled multiple times of liars and feeling multiple times how I sold myself short because I compromise and thats how I got hurt. I didn't know how to speak up for myself, and I think my dad not being in my life plays a huge factor in my self worth, and self confidence. Its a long road of healing and forgiving myself I have not yet fully grasped.


I gave them my price offer for the vehicle and I said nothing more, and nothing less. It was 10,000 less than what they wanted it for. However, the market is awful anyway. And I think the truck is worth around what I offered, I tend to agree with it. The underside of it was spray painted probably to hide rust. I had another mechanic look at it.


He offered me the price of what its valued at. And I said "its a pleasure doing business with you." And walked away. He said "FUCK" behind me. To which this now just scares me off. They called me after I got off the lot. They said we can offer you other trucks and SUV's at that price. I didn't compromise. I want that truck. They started to tell me my perception was off. This is the bs I cannot tolerate. This is what bothers me to my core about dealers.


I wanted to yell at him and say "do you talk to your wife like that?"


These guys are jerks. Now they won't stop calling me. Its hard being a girl navigating this world.


However I did get some good therapy out of it. And I laughed because of how mad I made him and he was shaking a nervous when I told him my price. So I guess in some way I won.

pineappleSun
pineappleSun
I am also sick of compromising. I think this is the point where I finally realized. No I don't need to compromise. I can get what I want.
arfie
arfie
yay you for standing up for yourself. i would call you a winner. do that do, my heroic you. you can, indeed, get what you want.

i almost envy people who are only afraid of the opposite gender. women terrify me far more than men and ? ? ? can i trust myself if i can't trust women? i am one of those controlling, war-painting, costume worshiping, manipulative creatures, after all.
pineappleSun
pineappleSun
Arfie, Sometimes, I struggle with making friends with the same sex too. However, I have always had friends that were guys when I was growing up. Ever since day care I have had friends that were the opposite sex. I read an article earlier this week that said, women who have more male friends tend to favor individualism versus women who don't. Regardless whatever social science says, I simply think my preference has to do with growing up in an unstable household.

As for trusting myself. Slowly its starting to come back. But there are days where I too ask myself "can I really trust myself" given the lens I see the world right now.
arfie
arfie
friendship remains a mystery to me, but i tend to avoid all gender-based discussions, in general. i determine character by looking in the eyes. personal traits are all too often assigned to gender and i find them more oppressive than a surgical mask mandate. just mask it all. i tend to stop listening with the first gender declaration. good luck getting 50% of the world's population to be just one anything. people aren't that agreeable, not even in my dreams.

i've gotten considerable healing mileage from letting it be okay that i have days i cannot trust myself. on the general gee, bad days happen. the calm acceptance makes it easier to resist forcing bone-headed solutions on my bad days. on the strictly personal notes, the calm acceptance makes it easier to recognize and remediate the psycho snot knots behind the mistrust.
Community Leadermujicaptsd
mujicaptsd
It's ok to say so, pineapplesun. As the son of a weekly violent abusive untreated bipolar father, I can tell you it's scary BEING a man. I had a vasectomy in my 20s for fear I would ever beat a child with my fists every week and get up in front of a church on Sundays as a pastor so cool butter wouldn't melt in my mouth. now at 64 I think I would have been a peaceful loving dad but a vasectomy at the time was the only way I could carry manhood without fear of what manhood had looked like to me all of my youth.
pineappleSun
pineappleSun
I should finish my negotiation but because of the fact of life about how women are treated it makes me not want to do it. The longer I sit with this possibility the more I don't want to go through with it. And just rather let my car die until I have absolutely no choice. Which would be winter time.
pineappleSun
pineappleSun
The idea of going back to these guys kills me because, of how they talked to me. It's like the same abuse I've received by others. I've been told to just grow and accept it. The better off I will be. To me that's just tolerating abuse that doesn't need to begin.
arfie
arfie
i hope you'll rethink the procrastination, pineapple. car shopping is no fun for the average consumer, i hate it with a passion, especially used cars, but it is more fun than sitting on the roadside in the dead of winter.
Community LeaderLeo
Leo
Car shopping sucks but myd ad taught me how to fix 'em when I was a kid. So the first thing I do on a lot is ask for saalvage papers and to look under the car (used, anyway). Throws the jerks off their game, and the good guys are like, "OK, cool, whatever, you want that car?"

So... stand up for yourself, yes, but don't abandon getting a car or delay too long. Been there, done that, had a no-fun time with tow truck and so forth.

*paw bump*
pineappleSun
pineappleSun
These guys in my opinion aren't willing to work with me. I did check under them, I asked for car fax, pdi, and the service papers. They don't do Pdi's they didn't change the oil like they said they did. But the mechanic I took it too said the oil is still clean on it. It's a good truck. It's a really good truck. But they are not willing to work with me and I have feeling they're just going to be a nightmare. I'm better off going to a dealership. They have a bit more professionalism.
arfie
arfie
solid thinking, pineapple. never be afraid to walk away from a deal. there is more than one way/place to buy a car. it pays to get picky.

procrastinating doesn't pay off so well, though. procrastination tends to pave the way for disaster scenarios where you end up paying more for less, even before you count the time and irritation.
pineappleSun
pineappleSun
I know, I am just trying to balance this with my PTSD symptoms. Those guys I dealt with were really testing me. It took its toll. I am also experiencing some other stuff outside of the car issue personally and the stress is really getting to me. Like really getting to me. I kept it together all day today at work, and yesterday. Tonight I came home and I am now crying and hyperventilating.
donttread
donttread
So you held your ground and walked away. Why are you looing at this as anything but a success?
pineappleSun
pineappleSun
I think your misunderstanding.. It was great exposure therapy for me. If you lived in my shoes you would understand why I am having an emotional reaction to it. When I have an intense trigger that causes me to have a break down two - three days later. To Me it feels like I'm starting all over again.
arfie
arfie
yay you for bringing the ramble back on topic, pineapple. way to hold your course. gentle empathy on that frustrating feeling of starting all over again. gnarl, gnarl, gnash, gnash. . .

may the next draft be even better than the last one.
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