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...Oh wow, do I and my guy have stuff to work on...
I have trust issues...well, I trust, but I also fear? Because the people whom I loved, my parents, destroyed me inside.
Inside I have the Fear Brigade too-kids who hold the fear for the system? They are not ABLE to trust.
Not made to! Not their job!
WELL... Guy was talking to the wrong set of kids when he asked if we trusted him the other night... * facepalm * And that triggered HIM...
For him? Trust is either total or absent...and I'm like...whaaaaa?!?! He trusts like that? I guess he does, I've seen him hand trust to people and get screwed over...or at least put himself in vulnerable positions to get himself REALLY messed over...
So I guess neither of us are working in a healthy manner. Nope. Teh crazee is all over the place ATM.
Anyway. He freaked and...um...rearranged his living room...rather like a tornado might rearrange it. Into some firewood...
It's his furniture, if he wants to smash it he is allowed to do that, ok?
If he breaks my stuff, i told him, he gets to replace it.
Yes, guy has flipouts. Guy is really nuts.
I know.
(...was not willing to deal with the hard drugs ( plural ), he quit them. Yup. Damn hard for him. So, no, being in love with this dude, not quite as foolish as it looks considering the freakout and the smashed furniture. He's worked on himself. Prolly needs more work. So do I )
...a relationship with two plural-inside people in it is not going to be easy, was never GOING to be easy.
...try fitting about 25 people into one partnership...O.o
...I told him by his standards I should never have a serious relationship again, because my love is always mingled with the fear of getting destroyed. The more I love, the more I fear, if that makes sense? So I have to slowly push into this irrational fear. Like I have done with all my terrors, all my life, yanno?
Humanophobia? Fear of all other humans?
(I go painfully crazy without other humans, else I'd be asocial.)
It's an attachment disorder, I want to get close AND run far away. I'm just the Front, I'm a human windsock for the others as far as emotions go, so I feel a lot of contradictory feelings.
-He is not responsible for those!-
Just like neither of us caused this damage to each other.
We have to tidy up and/ or live with the psychological messes caused by others. It sucks, but it's NOT our fault. If I keep telling him this, it will get through to him, I think.
Ok, worky time, Front stuff...
I have trust issues...well, I trust, but I also fear? Because the people whom I loved, my parents, destroyed me inside.
Inside I have the Fear Brigade too-kids who hold the fear for the system? They are not ABLE to trust.
Not made to! Not their job!
WELL... Guy was talking to the wrong set of kids when he asked if we trusted him the other night... * facepalm * And that triggered HIM...
For him? Trust is either total or absent...and I'm like...whaaaaa?!?! He trusts like that? I guess he does, I've seen him hand trust to people and get screwed over...or at least put himself in vulnerable positions to get himself REALLY messed over...
So I guess neither of us are working in a healthy manner. Nope. Teh crazee is all over the place ATM.
Anyway. He freaked and...um...rearranged his living room...rather like a tornado might rearrange it. Into some firewood...
It's his furniture, if he wants to smash it he is allowed to do that, ok?
If he breaks my stuff, i told him, he gets to replace it.
Yes, guy has flipouts. Guy is really nuts.
I know.
(...was not willing to deal with the hard drugs ( plural ), he quit them. Yup. Damn hard for him. So, no, being in love with this dude, not quite as foolish as it looks considering the freakout and the smashed furniture. He's worked on himself. Prolly needs more work. So do I )
...a relationship with two plural-inside people in it is not going to be easy, was never GOING to be easy.
...try fitting about 25 people into one partnership...O.o
...I told him by his standards I should never have a serious relationship again, because my love is always mingled with the fear of getting destroyed. The more I love, the more I fear, if that makes sense? So I have to slowly push into this irrational fear. Like I have done with all my terrors, all my life, yanno?
Humanophobia? Fear of all other humans?
(I go painfully crazy without other humans, else I'd be asocial.)
It's an attachment disorder, I want to get close AND run far away. I'm just the Front, I'm a human windsock for the others as far as emotions go, so I feel a lot of contradictory feelings.
-He is not responsible for those!-
Just like neither of us caused this damage to each other.
We have to tidy up and/ or live with the psychological messes caused by others. It sucks, but it's NOT our fault. If I keep telling him this, it will get through to him, I think.
Ok, worky time, Front stuff...
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Hey all, i know its been quite awhile since i posted on here. Its been a summer all right. Its been something else........... You know how they say not to open the can of worms? Well a few months ago i decided to find out what my due date would have been for my first baby, the one conceived by r***. My baby would have been due on March 4th of 2006. They would be 20 years old. I was R**** on June...
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My day...today...misplaced my debit card...didn't realize it until I got to the register after shopping to a full cart. Used a different debit card and pulled apart everything looking for missing debit card before I left parking lot. Got home, dropped keys. So now I have a missing debit card, missing keys. A full cartload to unload and put away. I got everything put away.Dumped purse for a...
I am unhappy, Blue. I don't see how his behavior is conducive to developing trust. What would have happened to you if you'd be there while he was busting furniture? It doesn't sound safe.
You are very accepting of him. You deserve to be accepted as well. Your lack of trust is not a personal insult, it's the outcome of extreme trauma induced by your nearest and dearest. Surely some part of him understands that.
If you're going and staying with him, what's the plan to keep you safe?
Which is far from a suggestion that you lay down and imitate a door mat. Stay strong, stand by your values and keep yourself safe. There is nothing loving about letting a loved one hurt you.
By the way, "Anthrophobia" (fear of humans) is one of the question notes on my own psych charts. It never reached official dx, but ranks high on my peer support charts.
Gentle support while you sort, blue.
i ask where my son was i dont like who you are right now,
he did clam down at that point .
told him he wanted thing hisway get a job and pay for it , i also told him i will do what the law says i have to do he got himself into trouble . i feel alone even if im around others sad , please be careful , im tried of being emotional garbage can when nothing good comes from it sorry this happened it hurts on a different level
keep safe call police if your afraid none should have to witness that i have done it by my self father do not help ,
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Repetition_compulsion
There were over 50 replies in that thread as we spoke to one another about that. It really helped me. I needed to get past kicking myself for always crashing in the same car, to realizing what it was I was trying to learn by that.
One thing was that I was still a survivor, that I could go to that same extreme place and walk away from that crash over and over again. But now it's time for me to trust myself that it's true, I'm a survivor, and that I don't have to prove it to myself any more.
Another reason I kept choosing abusive partners for relationships is that I trusted what was familiar. What was familiar was a bad relationship, ergo that's where I put my trust, ergo I had one bad relationship after another. It seemed like that was better than no relationship at all. Crazy, huh? Well, the definition of insanity, we all know, is to do the same thing over and over an expect a different result.
So my learning is not to expect a different result and to trust that the same thing will keep happening. Unless, of course, I don't do it any more. I can flip the idea around. I can trust myself to believe that a good relationship with myself is better than a bad relationship with another person.
So for now, I go to concerts and games on my own, without a date or a partner. It's not that I'm afraid to date now. It's that it's time to trust myself first. Maybe even like myself first. Build self esteem by doing.
Maybe build a healthy self love. Not narcissism, just self esteem in which love is not a many splintered thing but makes me feel whole?
That ends with a question mark because I'm still learning from that thread we had here just a few weeks ago. So far, so good, I must say.
Thank You!
AGAIN.
I really feel that way right now. Its not fair to others...and it is not HEALTHY for ME....as much as I want to be healthy and happy....it seems with someone else....I CANT BE healthy or happy.
He tore up the furniture-his own- to avoid harming anyone.
Too, his art table escaped; he realized exploding ink and acrylic paint everywhere would be bad...so it was a controlled explosion.
I DO trust him not to get aggressive with me. That sounds odd...but his ex-wife terrorized him such that by the time he ended the marriage, he was living in the shed in the backyard. He did not hit her.
If he starts scaring me, I'm going for walkies. Or back home. If I have to leave early because he's freaked me out too badly? he's pretty much blown his chances to make this work.
He...has never struck me as an abusive person. Kind of hard for him to be abusive when all I have to do is start shouting at him to reduce him to a trembling wreck.
Which I am NOT going to do, dammit!
But seriously, I saw him after his stepdad had just shouted at him. We were Skyping, video calling. My guy was shaking visibly.
Me and my folks do not get violent...but we get scary and we test people too. We also ***used to try to drive them off***, out of fear.
Uh-huh. That's my guess. He's very dissociated from his fear. He hardly feels it. He just acts it out.
He flipped out and was hospitalized ***the last time I came over***, ...so, ah, yup, I'm kinda seeing a pattern. If I go a third time and he flips out yet again I will confirm it.
He consciously wants me and is unconsciously terrified of getting close to me...is my guess.
*facepalm*
For a butch hetero guy, he can be a drama queen from hell.
Argh. ARGH!
...he threw away 20-some odd years of poetry, which...I never thought that might ever happen, but he could not hurt me more if he had deliberately tried to.
Threw out several hundred dollars' worth of art supplies and all his art.
...I felt like he was mutilating his soul. I persuaded him to try to excavate the poetry, because I really will be devastated if it is gone.
...He always says " I've got your six. " Yet when I need him immensely because i'm at a critical juncture in my life, he pulls this??? Asking the six-year old fear bearers if they bleeping trust him?! And then getting triggered from hell because they can't trust him-or anybody?
This is trust violation number 2. He tried to off himself without calling me first, came very close to succeeding.
We had a mutual vow not to attempt suicide without giving the other a chance to talk each other out of it. Having made that vow prolly saved my life. But he broke his. 3 years later it still hurts.
This isn't gone past the point of no return yet. But he's not being reasonable, either, expecting looney-tunesness to be a get-out-of-jail free card, all forgiven, here's my trust 100%.
Five years, two big honking trust violations.
Maybe he's right and we should not get married. He needs to grow the f up, ranch his brain cooties better, take responsibility, or this scow's going straight to the bottom.
His responsibility as my partner is to do his damnedest to keep his word. He's broken it twice.
Yes, I am angry, hurt. Also sad and indignant. He agreed, I did not do anything to be punished like this, though he said he didn't intend it to be a punishment.
I told him it sure felt like it.
I do feel...fairly safe?
But will look up hostels in the area so I have a place to stay if things go south, will get guy's friend's # too...guy's friend is safe, lives about 200 feet away.
...He'd better figure it out. Really. I love him but he can and will break that love if he keeps on.
We tend to snap rapidly and unexpectedly like that, hit tolerance limit, and thn buh-bye.
After a decade with the ex, when I should have ended it WAAAY faster?
if we realize we are done, we go.
Interior argument going on. Kids seem to be split on whether or not he's worth this, a couple of adults are for dumping him, older kids feel betrayed, Goddess staying out of it.
We collectively are trying to determine if we have more to give...or it's over.
I feel like a firehose streaming thoughts and feelings. Too messy. Shutdown sequence in order. Going to bed.
I'm going to leave it to them to figure it out, focus on Front stuff the next couple of days.
Sleeptime.