yes! as I think of their faces and complete misunderstanding of what "It" is.

ok, but I do use the phrase sometimes, and have found it to be one of the keys to my recovery, although there is a process to be gone through before being able to let it go. Why keep holding on to IT?

xa, I think when you know what your "IT" is, you can start work to resolve the issues. But as another individual telling you to let go of "IT", many times they them selves have triggered "It" by not validating us again. Which is a trigger, from not being heard.

Sometimes, it can be so dismissive. Other times, they may have a point. It depends upon their subtext.

Next time you (or I) hear that phrase, maybe we could ask, "What do you mean by that?" or (without sarcasm) "And how do you propose I do that?"

Maybe they just don't like to see you upset by a non-changeable situation. Maybe they don't understand your pain. But at the very least if you make them define what they mean, it can start a dialogue and both of you (or us) can try to reach a better understanding.

Ex- I still get angry that I had/have such crappy parents. To "let that go" for me in a good way would be for me to step away from the past and make some smart choices for myself in the future and give the present and my preset self the control over the here and now instead of me focusing on the past. But for me to be told to "Just let it go" when I get sad because I don't have good grandparents for my children... I think I have a right to acknowledge my feelings.

So, I'd challenge those who say that to be more clear. It may just help both of you! I'm going to do that next time my husband says that to me when I'm getting worked up and let you know. But what happens with us is that he'll say, "Calm down" when I'm upset. It usually has the opposite effect because what I hear is, "You are being ridiculous for being upset right now- what the heck's wrong with you." NOT the way to handle me. Like we'll be late for something and he says that me getting upset won't turn back the hands of time. He's right, but how do I de-escalate. Maybe not the same thing, but I think both situations deal with the miscommunication of what the one person says and how we interpret it. If they rephrase and add some replacement behaviors for us, maybe it will help?

Sometimes, it can be so dismissive

Most often it is this, not real caring but meant for us to get out of a mood they don't want to know about.

This brings to my mind, another phrase...
Let go, and let God.

It doesn't matter what 'it' is
Usually, the person offering the phrase has suspected I've suffered an injustice of some sort that I'm spending too much effort being infuriated about. They see how that harms me, and offer the phrase.

Daddy was always offering that phrase... I witnessed him living that phrase ... it amazed me. How he let many 'its' go. Not always immediately, but always.

It also reminds me of a poem.. that I forget some of...

As children bring their broken toys with tears for us to

I brought my broken dreams to God because he was my friend.

But instead of leaving Him on peace to work alone,

I hung around and tried to help in ways that were my own.

At last I snatched them back and cried "How can you be so slow?"

"My child", He said, " what could I do? You never would let go"

With tears for us to mend..

"It' is the banana in the African folk tale of the monkey and the banana. A monkey was sneaking into a village stealing, and they couldn't catch him. So they buried a narrow necked jar in the village square. The opening was big enough for a hand to go in and out, but no more. Then they put a banana in the jar as bait.

The monkey crept into the village that night again. He saw the banana hidden in the jar and reached in and grabbed it. The villagers came out of hiding to catch him. All he had to do to escape was LET GO of the banana, pull his hand back out of the jar, and run. But no, he wanted the banana more than his own freedom, and kept trying to pull his hand out of the jar with the banana, refusing to escape without letting it go.

The monkey sits in a cage today in the village square, captured only because he would not let go of a banana for the sake of his own freedom.

Letting go can mean our own freedom. What's your banana?

Muji, my step brother and friends tested the theory with a coconut shell and a zippo lighter. The Monkey pulled the coconut loose and proceeded to attack them with his new club hand. Sending them running all over trying to protect their heads.

I actually decorated a homecoming cake with the picture.( he never made it home)

The only "it" I let go are the things I have no control over, or reflect someone elses decision.

In the former case have found my concern/stress is wasted/useless if I have no influence in the situation.

In the later case, I accept other people's right to their own perceptional spin of a situation. I may not agree, but I accept that they believe they are right and I prefer to disengage on that topic (which may potentially weaken the relationship as a whole) rather than to debate uselessly.

A similar sentiment I've heard is, "This, too, shall pass."

I guess the step I am working today is matrimonial. Tuesday is the 33rd anniversary. I am not sure how I feel about it. For certain I am not ready to declare my graohics studio a work place and resume our old rituals.

Paul Simon captured our current relations perfectly in "The Dangling Conversation." Trying to bring life into "...the still life watercolor..." keeps resulting in what I have been calling, "The Egg Shell Waltz." The egg shells are from the many "ITs" we have tried to let go during our 33 years together.

"You read your Emily Dickinson and I my Robert Frost."

Our "ITs" are not even out of the same book...

Ha!

If it's matromonial then comprimise rules mostly, but sometimes a line in the sand, "On this, we agree to disagree." Some times it is individual ideas that feeds interest.

John was Spanish Catholic, I am a mix. the debate could have lasted for ever, since I knew his argument, over time he learned mine.

Arfie, 33 years is a long marriage, but it can feel a lot longer with out the core friendship. My first marriage started with the stars so bright in my eyes, I didn't see the scars. so much was spent on those eggshells.I met him at 16, not even really knowing him but what the starry eyes could see. As disagreements and actions showed me he would never comprimise, I would always give in or pay for not having his "Right" thinking. abuse happened because he needed me to be his way or not "be" at all. The ending was disaster for me. My second was with a friend who loved me before I was near ready, consistent in his care , accepting of our differences. For him, he learned my culture took part and understood my pain. We did disagree but never to the point of breaking the friendship.
On some the agree to disagree was in place, no longer an obstacle, just a difference of belief...not to be challenged or used against each other.
So only you can figure if you and him have that balance of compromise, common ground and interest/respect in the differences to make it worthwhile. It may take a tally sheet, during a long serious talk to get there. Sweep away some of those shells.

You both should feel heard and respected for your differences.

I hope for the best for you. J.


okay can some one help me down?