going to react the way I did, why should I?*

Alot of people, family or non family seem hung up with the "act normal so it doesnt show any flaws. Society is dictated by "beiing normal" no major noticable quircks that would raise suspision as to ones' funcioning capicity. With the recent mass murder shootings the media narrows in on the functionality of the muderer and how they were prior to the murders, did they act normal,not normal, stand offish ? My sister had therapy when she got older,but she didnt have the severe abuse as I did. She did have alot but since I was older I got the worst of it. I didnt know she had therapy for a long time, she always acted the same.

Expressing emotions wasnt in our family either. It should be a work in progress especially in families, going through traumas, then healing as a family, I am sure it causes more time to heal, if we are left to feel alone and abandoned . Some feel that since they got over a particular incident everyone else should too when it can be a hurdle we cant seem to jump ourselves. When I hear the phrase "thats in the past forget it" it really upsets me, its just not that easy. I think your sister is not considering your feelings and what you are going through. I get upset at my own reactions too, unable to be open with my family adds to the other turmoil I'm already tackeling then I ask myself why am I doing this, there has to be a reason.

My T once told me that I am likely the most "normal" person in my family as I have been facing my issues and getting help. For my family I have always been the scapegoat, the one who cried too much, whined too much etc. I was the one with a different taste in food, movies etc and I was wrong all the time. My parents orchestrated my abuse and were part of a cult as well. I have had to distance myself from them after years of trying to make some sort of relationship happen. Now that I've remembered a lot of what happened, it's just not healthy for me to have contact with them. I think sometimes it's just not possible to fix things so you have a good relationship with family members. I talk to my father briefly b/c he calls and I do not plan to confront him because he will deny everything and make me feel guilty for thinking he could have done what he did. I no longer have contact with my brother and have the best relationship with my sister but it is very superficial. I don't call, but if she calls I'll talk to her briefly.

Sis2cat, I agree with your response. The notion of " act normal so it doesnt show any flaws" is very true. I never considered myself normal but I always wanted to, if that makes sense. Showing real emotions and our flaws make us seem as if we are wrong to feel and act the way we do. Yes, God gave us the power of self-control, but when a person has dealt with the storms of his life, how is he supposed to react? Is he wrong if he breaks a glass? punches the wall? Anger and rage are very similar but really... are we to blame ourselves because we don't act like we are "supposed to"?
Also, your sister reminds me of my sister in a sense.

She once told me like about 2 months ago that she also experienced what I was experiencing. She never showed it or told me about it before. I understood what she was saying. But when I was telling her about my experience, it was like she understood but went over it, do u understand? Like" it's all about bitterness and forgiveness...: She didnt say much about it. It wasnt much comfort to me. She has a different way of handling things... I guess it's harder for me because I don't deal and cope like she does. It's very confusing and frustrating. I don't know where you are in your healing recovery, but I am just starting and it already feels like a hell.


Stella2011, wow! I am sorry. Your own family set the whole abuse from the start. I can't relate to that but I can relate to you as a person. We touch a lot of ground in the same feelings. Your T told you you are the most "normal" for dealing with them... my mom is the opposite. She guessed what I was doing when I went these last 2 weeks for an interview for a clinical study on PTSD, and she was completely insensitive about it. She said" don't tell you are going for ppl who have mental problems?" - that explains it all.

That's actually the same relationship my sister has with my mom. Not that much contact and no touching the subject of the past, the guilt and pointed finger comes back. I wonder, what does it take for someone to see their mistakes? Why does it take heartache and pain to break the family and yet, not see their own downfall? It's no fun feeling guilty, ashamed, and depressed and then your own family members don't help you at all. In fact, it's worse when they themselves are affected and don't even notice it....

Wow. Expecting yourself to be as knowing, calm and accepting as God! It is good to have high self esteem, but I would be taking an inventory of my expectations. I, too, tend to unrealistic expectations.

I am the 5th of 11 children, all dragged and scarred by the same set of circumstances. None of us have identical responses in dealing with the PTSD of it all. Not even when we imitate each other's solutions. Several of my siblings crawled into bottles. Each has their own, distinct flavor of alcoholism. Several built walk in medicine closets with the medical network to support it. Each has different specialists with important diffs in the medical degrees. Some of us rolled away from the family tree in search of new solutions. I am one of those and I don't even know where to find the others who also rolled away.

The moral of the story supports that suggestion that PTSD really does manifest differently for each and every victim it claims.

I do believe the one need we have in common is gentleness. Go easy on yourself. It is okay to be merely human.

I think it goes beyond PTSD. The whole look normal, act normal thing, is a cultural norm which frowns upon individuality.

My approach to attempt to overcome an invalidating family was to try and "be something", "be someone", actualize myself. I spent decades pursuing (and to some extent achieving) extraordinary attainment, and developing myself into a distinct individual.

My families reaction, which has been mirrored by many others I have crossed paths with, am now viewed as even more of an outsider, even less accepted than before.

There is a saying, "the nail that sticks out gets hammered down". Sometimes I think that's how society keeps itself feeling secure.

Sorry if this response is not upbeat, am feeling unusually cynical today. Just wanted to make the point that it's not only about not meeting expectations of decorum and being mild mannered, its about fairly pervasive expectations of conformity.

I AM SO SORRY THAT SHE ACTS THAT WAY. DOES SHE DO WHAT MY SISTER DOES. NO MATTER WHAT YOU ARE WRONG. SHE TELLS EVERYONE LIES ABOUT ME AND WHAT IS WORST OS THAT PEOPLE BELIEVE HER.
I AM A VICTOM OF ABUSE, AND IT WAS BEAT INTO ME TO ALWAYS TELL THE TRUTH. SO I CANNOT FIGURE OUT HOW SOMEONE CAN MAKE OTHERS BELIEVE THINGS THAT ARE TRUE. DO YOU HAVE THIS SAME PROBLEM WITH YOUR SISTER?

ERROR
IT SUPPOSE TO SAY
THINGS THAT ARE NOT TRUE

Arfie, gentleness has never been one of my best qualities. I know what I am about to say is wrong, but at least all of you guys recognize it and acknowledge what you have. Everybody has a way of dealing with it and u have gone ur way to manage and get help for it. God's grace is amazing when you think about it... He knows us.

Letitbe3, i agree with your point of view. Though my family(immediate) doesn't say much, i know that my mom and brother always view me as someone who goes against their ideology of what it means to be a good daughter and sister. I feel as if no matter what I will do, it will always be wrong and insufficient in their eyes. Its bothersome. Since what they see of me is not what they like and always make me feel that way, what I value personally is not their liking.

dsgjan54, my sister is not exactly like that. She doesn't spread things about me that are not true. I take the stand also with you: " I am a victim of abuse". It was never beaten into me to always tell the truth; I learned along the way in life that telling the truth is better than lying. The guilt of always telling the truth comes from the fact that my mother always question what I say, undermining my words and making me feel, unconsciously, that telling the truth is wrong.

My sister doesn't realize her perception of expressing yourself should not include getting mad and feeling angry. She never showed her anger and my problem is I do and its been the worst side of me. She may have never showed it; maybe she didn't deal with it the way I have. People have a way of showing and covering up PTSD... that if they don't react the way the person does, that person needs to calm down. Telling someone who is hurt and traumatized to calm down is like trying to tell a baby to be quiet when they are teething... come on, really?

I used to say that I was a victim of abuse, and sometimes I still do. But I've also come to see myself more as a survivor of abuse. I lived through ritual abuse by my family and others and despite it all I came out the other side. Even if I do suffer from PTSD and depression and some physical stuff, I've still survived what is seeming beyond survival. I did not go nuts, I did not have multiple personality disorder (which my T said people who've experienced what I have usually have happen). Yes, I have a lot of scars and wounds that need more healing. I think the way you word how you view yourself matters a lot. Doing EMDR recovered a lot of memories so that I know what happened and can be amazed I lived through all that.