Hello Khadi. Welcome to DS.

I know that lost feeling all too well. It especially happens when I am isolating. but it also happens allot when I am too busy to keep up with my self-care. Finding my way back to the path is seldom easy, but it's often easier when I reach out to members of the peer support network. Kinda like you just did in making this post.

How 'bout it? Did making this post help any?

Welcome aboard. Hope you find healing companionship here.

Welcome and blessings of peace. That search to find what was taken from you is one without a clear map to follow. Being forced to take on responsibilities and be an adult when you’re not prepared for that role sounds a sure way to leave anyone bewildered and in a state of shock and trauma. Healing wishes and vent as needed to relieve pressure.

Thank you Arfie and Ghostdancer for your kind and thoughtful encouragement. It did help to reach out to a group of people who surely understand the process I am going through.

It is true that when things get tough the first thing I let go of is taking care of myself, I have been ignoring my own needs for some time now and it is showing in my health both physically and emotionally.

Thank you for reminding me that everything I am feeling is ok and that I too am ok...just going through something that salts old wounds. Your thoughtfulness made me feel less alone and so much better :) xo

Welcome to the board Khadi...... I hear you re still feeling 'bad'....... I haven't had therapy and that little child still raises her head at times within me

I'm really sorry that you're struggling ...... I worked in the medical field and took care of my parents the last few years of their lives and it was really difficult and painful at times....

I would look into getting any support that you can get..... Your mom's doctor can refer you to a social worker if you haven't done this yet and would like some relief

It's one of the hardest things you'll ever do IMHO as it is a 24/7 position and you can get lost in the shuffle

RE discussing how you feel about your treatment as a child with your mom..... You can still have your say if you want to..... My father treated me pretty badly to say the least emotionally/mentally and at times physically ..... He could be very, very cruel at times and I never said a peep..... Once he passed a lot of anger came out and resentment and I think it's do to not voicing what I needed to

I wish now I would have said my piece..... Not to hurt him but simply that some things needed to be said and I deserved to be able to say what I had held in for so very long ..... Even if your mom doesn't want to have a conversation you can still say what you need to...... I wish I had of when I had the chance

You don't have to assign blame to your mom however you can still say this is how "I feel' if you want to

There is a Caring for Aging Parents group here as well as Caregivers Support that might also be a support for you

Big hug and a blessing......xo

https://www.dailystrength.org/group/caring-for-aging-parents

Does you mother have a living will?

(Basically a list of things that she would or would not want done for her.

For example: A feeding tube.

If your mother can't eat would she want to have a feeding tube put in. People can lead healthy lives for years/decades with them.

For myself, the answer is NO. If that means that I end up "starving to death" than so be it. That's not a bad way to die. I'm perfectly fine with that. Heck, I don't even want a restricted diet in ANY way. Salt bad for me...pour more on. For me it's about living while I'm still alive.

Others may and often do, make different choices for equally valid reasons.)

Knowing your mother's wishes may help a LOT with transitioning to taking care of her and working through your feelings around it.

Hi, Khadi, about ten years ago I took care of my mom through a bout with breast cancer that she had. I had been a hospital chaplain already, so I moved in with her for 3 years because my father froze up. So I helped her through the surgeries, chemo, and radiation treatments she had, shopping for wigs, the whole thing. When the hospital worker punched that chemo hose into my mom's port in her chest it was chilling to me every time.

During that whole time I got in touch with my little boy the way you report that caring for your mom now is getting you in touch with your little girl. I had to manage a dangerous dad, too, and protect a little sibling, in my case a little sister.

When I got my mom through the cancer treatment and her cancer went into remission, the respite was over and the dysfunctional family dynamics returned. That meant that my father unfroze and punched me in the face 2 years after I was no long needed and I had moved out and returned for a Christmas visit. From then on my therapist and I decided it was better for me to stay away.

It didn't erase those 3 years of caring for my mom, though. I learned the truth about myself and my dysfunctional family when my old role was suspended for that time because they needed me during that crisis as a care taker. The fact that the old roles returned didn't do away with that truth, which was that the bad old family script had never had much to do with me personally as an individual. It had to do with dysfunctional family dynamics my parents never confronted in their lives, and dysfunctional family dynamics their parents never confronted, and on back generations.

One person's waking up to all of that can't change all of them. But it did change me and bring me around to seeing up close with family what my therapist had described for me from afar in the safety of his office. From that experience I embraced my breaking with the generations of codependence of my family system to establishing my independence. That's when I came here to DS PTSD for support to learn how to live like that, since codependent dysfunction was all I ever knew before.

It's a tender time when you care for a parent in an abusive family, but hold on to the insight rewards, Khadi, because ultimately I found that they can be very liberating. We're here for you and that caregivers group here at DS that SunCloud shared a link to can lend you the support you need, too.

Thank you Muji and Suncloud so much for your heartfelt support. I am doing much better today and I know it is in part due to the fact that I reached out and you all lent a hand. This personal work around family dynamics can feel so isolating. I have a brother but he is a recovering alcoholic and it is really not something he can talk about without it being a trigger for him. I try hard to support him.

I think setting some boundaries with my mom will help. While there is a crisis (as you know like when your mom was sick) all the rules kind of go out the window. I am sorry your father did not show you the gratitude you deserved but instead went back to his old ways. Be proud you are not carrying on your own families illness. It stops with you. And you have done so much good in your life, helping countless people with there own suffering.

I will focus on the "insight rewards" as much as I can. Thanks again to you both for all your words of wisdom. xo

Hey, feeling for you! You are in touch with your inner self and the struggles. Your post was accurate. I think we all come to those forks in the road and have to make choices, should make choices. Now that I'm an adult, I have decided that my parents choices should not be allowed to blow me around like fluff in the wind. You should consult with someone to give you feedback, assurances, and ideas. I know myself, I cannot be anywhere near my father. As for my mom, she wasn't a participant in his evil ways, but she has yet to ask how I'm doing. She has intimated that she would depend on me to be her care giver in the future. She doesn't want to give me my dignity by talking to me. Interacting with me. I don't hate her at all. But I cannot allow her to deny my humanity. Her needs cannot over ride my humanity. I'm sorry it's that way. But I've suffered for her choices. I won't allow it to perpetuate. I live far away from her and him.

Simply put, don't suffer for them. Not in the past suffering. It ain't right.

Boundaries. Tell her. If those boundaries aren't respected talk about it.

If it isn't possible to talk about it with her then get professional feedback. Listen to your soul.

I won't be guilty of perpetuating my parents injuries on me and within me.

Take care of your little. Don't sacrifice her for anyone. That's all I'm saying.

Dear Lukas (my son's name), thank you for your thoughtful words. I can not tell you what it feels like to be understood like this. 55 years old and I have never talked to anyone else who has gone through trauma like you all have, It is like coming home :)

Now that I have identified why I am feeling so bad and had the validation from you and many other kind people I know it is time to get help and do yet another layer of work about my family. I guess it is a process that is never done. Silly me, I thought when my dad died I was finally safe. I forgot about the fact that my mom did not protect me from him and how that impacted my life.

Now that I am faced with caring for her all that stuff has just bubbled up from the innermost part of me. So locked away I was not even aware it was there.

Not sure how I will protect my "little" but thank you for reminding me that she deserves protection. With much gratitude, xo

Hello Khadi,
Welcome to DS! I am also in my 50's and I have an aging mother as well. Yes, I have had to sit down and talk with her about difficult traumas in my life. It was
a tough start, but once we got talking, things started moving along and it helped build our relationship as a mother and daughter. After having these hard conversations, I felt freer and less guilty.
I will pray for you!

Hi Khadi! Welcome to the group. My mother has been chronically ill since I was at the end of middle school. There is no cure or treatment for her. My father and I often battle over me being in her life or not. Recently her health has taken more of a decline. I had been taking care of my mother since I was younger. My mother was physically and mentally abusive. My mother continues to be emotionally abusive. Recently, she had a stroke. I offered to be there for my father. I told her I forgave her and loved her. I set boundries with my father that if he needed help I would help him again in terms of grocery shopping, laundry, emotional support for him etc. As for personal care of my mother he would need to get professional assistance. Is there anyway to get CNA's, PCA's, nurses to come in and help you to give you a break? While, I know you said it was your father that was abusive. Being a caregiver in general takes a physical and emotional toll.
Also, talking to a Social Worker is helpful or Chaplain. I agree with the above statement. Wishing you peace and sending you hugs.
Many blessings.

Thank you hopealways and JAAKK,

This support is so valuable and I can't begin to tell you how comforting it is to know I am not alone in my struggles with my mom. Kind of amazing how an event in the present day can bring to life pain from 40 years ago. I guess you are never really finished working on your childhood stuff.

Think this is a good time to contact my old therapist and go some work :) Thank you all for your support.