Dear Yadim,

Thank you for sharing your situation. May I share my philosphy with you? Pain is pain, no matter what causes it. ..no matter how big or small the TRAUMA or trauma..... I don't think anyone is a wimp compared to someone else.

We feel what we feel.

If it hurts, it hurts.

Loud noises, medical issues seem to be a shared trigger among many of us with this disorder.

I agree with what you said "THE WAITING IS GOING TO BE WORSE...TWO WEEKS TO THINK ABOUT IT."

Anticipation is often worse for me than the actual things I dread.
Anticipation of my adult son having to have surgery last week after he broke 2 bones in his arm in a recreational vehicle accident brought on my most recent panic/anxiety symptoms. Fear, fear, fear....will he get an infection? will he have a reaction to the metal plates they screw to his bones? will he stay off of his dirt bike and four wheeler already and quit all this self-destructive "fun" activities of his (he lives at home with us and this is his 4th Emergency Room visit for rolling a vehicle, 2 dirt bike and one 4 wheeler accidents in 2 years.) ...all the extra expense for these accidents, all the additional worry for me if he does not learn his lesson and be more safety minded.....I have to get up early to drive him to college and doctor appointments now....I have to be in a hospital again, the ER, then surgery, then the post-op visits, which get me anxious (*an I have been a hospital nurse for over 20 years up till 10 years ago)....oh, the anticipation brings dread of the unknown, and I get feelings of impending doom.

so, know that you are not alone in fear of facing your triggers. It is so, so hard to wait for uncomfortable unknown things to happen.

I tell myself, I am losing a good today by worrying about tomorrow or next week, but I still often feel fear.

May I offer two thoughts that might help a little? I am not a born optimist. I am having to learn to write affirmations and intentions to state and ask for what I want, desire, and need an outcome to be, instead of worrying and fearing what I don't want to happen.

Instead of me saying I don't want my son to get an infection in his bone, I am trying to practice saying "I need my son to receive a full recovery free of complications." Just saying/praying for what I desire and need to happen in positive words, instead of constantly stating what I don't want to happen somehow feels a little bit better to my troubled mind. The more I practice this (*when I remember!) the better I feel, because then my thoughts are not adding more fuel to the fire of my disease/disorder. My thoughts are actually helping to comfort and neutralize my racing, panicking mind and body when I make a purposeful effort to pray and ask for what I need in terms of what I want, rather than what I don't want.

Perhaps, just saying something like, "while I must wait today, I need peace of mind and a purpose to be happy for today. I am looking for something that makes me happy to be alive today while I am waiting for this treatment. I need to release fear. I need to feel trust that I will be okay."

Also, I tend to isolate and plan nothing so that I can deal with symptoms when I am experiencing them. But, distraction is such a good therapy for me whenever I can muster it. Watching a good comedy, listening to a positive inspirational speaker on a cd, making something comforting to eat from scratch, listening to some favorite music outdoors looking at nature, these distractions seem to help even for bits of time to give my tired self a break from the symptoms of worry, anxiety, stress, panic. Also, human touch, a therapeutic massage is a good distraction.

I hope you find a bit of comfort in these thoughts. My son was injured on July 13th, and he had to wait 11 days until he had surgery, so that the swelling went down and internal bleeding was reabsorbed. Those 11 days felt torturous....I could say I feel like a wimp compared to what you are personally going through, but I am going to practice self-compassion....I hurt, I hurt, no matter what the cause. And he had his first post-op visit today, 8 days after surgery, and he is doing fine. His recovery is good. So much of the fear I was experiencing and unable to stop myself from did not happen. It was unfounded. It is just my pattern from my past conditioning and experiences. It is not easy to live with this. I am trying to learn ways to heal, one baby step at a time.

My heart goes out to you, because I relate to the feeling of being terrified of hospitals and doctors and the shakes, the tears, the complete sense of hopelessness. I hope that you will find some help in sharing your experiences here, and knowing that you are not alone. Just being able to find this website this weekend, and being able to write and share to others has offered some relief for me.

I will remember you in my prayers.

PS. Is that a German Shorthaired Pointer in your picture? Looks just like my dog.

I am making an assumption here about your surgery and treatment, and if I am totally off, let me know. Regardless maybe my story will help yours. Years ago I had thyroid cancer and had my thyroid removed I then was given radioactive iodine. I was put in a private room at the end of the hall and discouraged from having visitors. If anyone came in they had to stand behind a taped line on the floor. Tape saying radioactive was plastered everywhere. I had to flush the toilet 3 times every time I went and wait until a tray was pushed into my room before I could go get it and then everything was disposed of in a trash can in my room. I was not nauseous and radioactive iodine is not supposed to make you nauseous. The worse part about it was initially swallowing the pills since the person that gave me then was gloved in lead gloves, with the pills in a lead container and tons to give me the pill bottle. Kind of scary. After that it was loneliness that was hard. My therapist called me everyday and I had other family that called me daily and the phone calls helped a lot. I took books to read and there was a tv. It was boring but i did not get ill. Perhaps your situation is different. Looking at it I had to laugh at the absurdity of the whole thing and all the precautions taken for others, but I was the one swallowing this toxic stuff.

One funny part, was that the trash got smelly and no one would come change it. One of my friends showed up for a visit anyway, and I told her about the trash. She went to the nurses station and complained. The next thing I knew the doctor came in and wrapped up the trash and then sat down to talk to me. Other than some normal medical gloves, he had no protection on at all. He said he worked with the stuff all day and wasn't concerned. I had to laugh at all the years in medical training, and here he was changing the trash. There are anti-nausea pills the docs can give you in the hospital to help and sleeping pills as well. The part that is worst is simply the boredom. Bring lots of stuff to do. Best wishes.

Keep posting, yadim. Enunciating the anxieties as they arise helps me keep them in check. Keeping them in and trying to deny them is just the fertilizer my mind needs to grow them to grotesque proportions.

And second the notion that you shouldn't compare. Pain exists to let you know something is wrong. Fix it.

Hey all,

Yes, all of you have been spot on, and reading it from other people has actually helped me relax.

I am going in for radiation therapy (RAI) for Thyroid cancer. The surgery to remove my Thyroid went well, but the hospital stay was nine kinds of Hell. In spite of being at VA hosptial, they took no consideration of my PTSD. Worse than that, they failed to take into consideration that I am a chronic pain patient who, until diagnosed with Cancer back in May, was pending spinal reconstructive surgery. They actually gave me fewer pain meds in the hospital than my VA Primary Card Dr has me on just for my crushed spine and two herniated discs. It was a 16 hour torture session before we checked out that redefined my defination of "the worse pain" I have ever had.

Because of that, there is no way that I can stay in the VA hospital for my isolation. Just to walk in for my post surgery took enough antipanic combined with Class 2 pain meds to make me completelly numb. When we got to the room, my husband cleaned the stuff out of a corner so I could curl up on the floor with my Service Dog and try not to scream - and I did a pretty good job at not screaming.

So the surgery was just over a month ago so now it is time for radiation treatment. Just my pain meds make me sick to my stomach, so I am pretty sure that the neasua from the pain meds PLUS the radiation will not be a fun combination. But it is only six days.... I will spend it in a hotel as there is no place I can be isolated at home.

It is funny, but I am actually stronger alone. When I have help, especially, my hubby about, I don't have to be strong and can just fold into a corner.

My icon is my newest Service Dog. My last dog had to be retired due to age. She now chills on the couch. My new dog is 3/4 Great Dane and 1/4 Cane Corso. In the pic she is four months old. She is a LOT bigger now - even though she is only six months old. At six months old she is about 80lbs.

She will be coming with me for the first two apts. The first pill won't be enough to hurt her. She can stay with my hubby while I do the scan the second apt. But when I go back for the radiation pills, she will be staying with my daughter for that week.

OK, officially she is a Service Dog in Training as she still has about a year of 30 hours a week of training to finish. But she already has more training than most pet dogs and has been in the hospital with me several times. Eventually, she will replace my walker for balance, respond to my PTSD and Panic disorder BEFORE I get to the point I have to curl into a corner, pick up dropped objects, either bring me to specified people if I can't think anymore or go fetch them to me - ie hubby, daughter, security. For now she is warm against my leg, curls up on top of me when I curl in the corner and scream, and practices her in public manners until they are 100% perfect. But hey, she is only six months old.

but thanks, all of you, I do feel better. Just getting to talk about this with people who understand what I am talking about helps a lot.

yadlim

Pain.... no pain just is. I have been in such constant physical pain for the last seven years since crushing part of my spine that even with six Vicaden and three Carisoprodol a day, I am only able to be functional for four to six hours a day. It has become such an intergral part of my life I honestly don't know what I woudl do it it weren't there.

Even if I do get my back surgery, they say it won't give me back full mobility, but will only lessen the amount of pain I am in. It is only pain - it is the fear of pain that is dibilatating.

Tomorrow I get to spend with my horse. It may be my daughter who is riding the demo, but I at least get to spend it with them. That will help a lot.

Anticipatory anxiety-the waiting BEFORE the event-the "what if"s are the absolute worst for me. I get so paralyzed in fear when I am waiting for something that is hard/scary/new/uncomfortable.For me, it is because based on my life experience, things are not safe, not OK in the end, my head is screaming "danger" and I am supposed to just ignore it? I can't. I am finding that what helps is two things-talking about it-because holding it in makes everything bigger and scarier, and trying to do whatever I can to help myself feel safe. Yesterday, I had to share a really hard thing with my therapist. I was so scared and I was having so much anxiety and panic about it. I really tried hard to visualize someone who is like a mother to me-a close friend holding my hand. It helped me find the courage to do what I needed to do in therapy. I hope that helps!

It does help... I will have my Service Dog and hubby with me for two of the three apts. For the last apt I can't have my dog. There is nothing quite as warm and safe as the feeling of her laying against my leg where I can feel her chest rising and falling with each breath - it is very soothing...

HBE123 your reply #8 really is helpful for me to read, too. You eloquently wrote how I feel about anticipatory waiting anxiety, and that talking and doing what we must to feel safe are helpful, thank you, all. It is amazing how one person starts a thread, and many of us receive help and not feeling alone from the replies that are posted to someone else. I am grateful for all of your sharing.

Thanks Seekinghealthy101-that made me feel really good and I needed that today!

For me, being able to have something to look forward to afterwards, to find something (like being back home w/ your doggie and family) and then to focus on those nice things waiting on the near horizon for you, helps the medical treatments feel more transitory, not so all absorbing.

Have been isolated in hospital puking my guts out for weeks at a time when I had PTSD and no one understood that needed to be considered when treating me, so I know how realistic your dread is. Now hospitals are another trigger for me, though they weren't before that.

If you can focus on how the worst is actually over (your tumor surgery), how this may fix this part of things then perhaps you can get a glimpse of the silver lining. Your have chosen this mission and it is a frightful but probability of danger is low.

Also your back issue, am so sorry your have that to deal w/ too. Maybe try and prioritize urgency, deal w/ thyroid, get home and heal and let anxiety of coming hospitalization slowly settle down; and chill out from it before jumping into next body part renovation project.

This year I have had 3 outpatient surgeries out of a series of 4 planned. After the 3rd I just said "wait, I need to get re-centered". Because time is not crucial I am waiting a year before I put myself back into surgery/convalescing mode again.

Don't know if any of this is applicable, but I wish you the best.

Yadim,
i am a dog lover though neither of mine are service dogs. I do understand what being with them does for me. I know it wouldn't be anywhere near the same, but what about taking a favorite photo with you or a short video you can watch over and over just to feel some warm feelings thinking about your dog?

Two weeks does seem like forever when your PTSD alarms are wailing 24/7. It's good you came here. I'd spend a lot of time here in the next 14 days, if I were you. About July 15 I posted here that my abuser and his accomplice contacted me at work, knowing all contact at home, at work, or anywhere is most unwelcome.

I kept close to this group on this site for about a week. It helped a lot. The episode passed, and I not only felt better. I felt stronger because I voiced my feelings even in the middle of an episode. It was even better than talking to my therapist.

Therapists have helped me figure things out over the years, but no one can be empathetic like the people here. The people I expressed myself to here, unlike a therapist, were able to tell me they'd been through the same thing in their own lives--and I believed them and was reassured. It wasn't easy, but I know what to do next time, even though I must admit I dread any next time.

You're not alone. We know how you feel here. We've been there ourselves. It gets better on the other side.