Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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Today marks the one year anniversary of the rape. I recently found out the my case is closed, that there is nothing more the detectives can do. The asshole rapist is in jail in west Texas for other serious charges. The DA didn't think adding a "he said she said" trial/case would make a difference. He will never get punished for what he did to me regardless if he is in jail or not. And that is what really ticks me off and hurts big time. This asshole ruined a whole year from me. I hurt. I'm scared. I'm angry. I don't deserve what happened to me. And I know I've survived the event but today and last week when the detectives told me he was closing the case has made me feel raped all over again. I don't think anyone really understands that. It's taken so much from me to pursue pressing charges all year long. I'm tired! I'm hurt and I hate the justice system. I've been raped several times before but I have never really pressured and pursued pressing charges because I didnt think it would matter. I don't know why I decided to go all in on this incident? Maybe it's because I'm in a small town, that I'm not at home and that I have a somewhat strong support system?
So today I've been feeling really ashamed and like the rape was my fault. I know intellectually it is in no way my fault but it hasn't quite sunk into reality yet.
I hate anniversaries. Why? Why do I have to still get so hurt. I feel like it never changes. It's like I"m always waiting for the other shoe to drop and I hate that feeling!!!!!!
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Welcome to the Perseid meteor showers, the "biggies" usually every year. (The Leonids beat 'em one year IMHO).AND today much of the northern hemisphere will see 5 to 99% solar eclipse. How cool is that? Your best bet is to be in the UK or norhtern Spain, where totality is excellent before sundown. Me, I'll get a super duper tiny itty bitty slice of it, so little that it won't be noticeable. New...
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I'nm exhausted. This doxycycline thing has ripped me apart and I'm eating crackers and water. I can't take (anything) or eat (anything) except saltines and toast and maybe unbuttered watery mashed potatoes. Are we sure the cure isn't worse than the possible disease?!?!And a week to go. ***Fun cures that WERE worse than the disease:ARsenic. Popular against STDs, which just compounded misery...
You said you've been raped several times before and this is the first time you've pressed charges. Even though the justice system failed you in this, can we at least celebrate the change that made you want to press charges and demand justice this time? Even though the justice system failed you, you should be proud of yourself for valuing yourself enough to demand justice. They always say we are responsible for the effort, not the outcome - and by that standard, you are a winner. You did your part. So as this anniversary approaches, I hope you can consider rallying your supporters and celebrating the courage and self-worth that made you put forward that effort.
As you know, on that score, long after I'd given up on justice for me, I and the other victims of my rapist found out he got caught and convicted for another rape. In prison, he was killed by a fellow inmate.
I tell that story every time the topic of justice comes up among us rape survivors for two reasons. First, to say justice does come sometimes once in a blue moon. Secondly, to add that though I'm not sorry he died a sorry death, on the other hand justice didn't fix me. I have to go on with my recovery anyway.
Lots and lots of support to you on this anniversary, PP. You're a great person. It's good to have you back. Know that you're not alone in this, either.
Wishing you the best, Patti
I was going to move to a different city a few months back but that didn't pan out.
I'm taking this pretty hard. I shouldn't
I'm glad to see you back though purple
Sending you peaceful positive vibes
Gentle hugs