Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
So, when I wrote the last post, I think it's starting to dawn on me.
I have no idea what to do with myself. I know I am good at hiding pain and vulnerabilities, but this time around, I can't.
Christmas is just around the corner and I can not bear the idea that this is just not Christmas anymore for me. My mind feels like a ticking time bomb and I just want to explode. Suicidal thoughts have been returning and all these days, I've been doing what I know that needs attention and that's fine, but it doesn't remove the facts when I come back home, it's not home at all.
December is a horrible month for me. I wake up feeling like I have the world on my shoulders, meanwhile I feel that all the responsibility of picking up the pieces of my family is left on me. I don't think that the cards I've been dealt with is fair, but when the fuck did everyone start to look at me for the maintenance of my family?
I can't shake off waking up in the location where my traumas are my daily reminders. I feel that no matter how well guarded I am about me, I feel exposed by people, like an open book. People know what I've done, but they don't know the damage and destruction I live with at home.
I feel like a flat tire and God keeps me running on auto-pilot. This is not living. I don't know what else to do.
Psalm 38.
I have no idea what to do with myself. I know I am good at hiding pain and vulnerabilities, but this time around, I can't.
Christmas is just around the corner and I can not bear the idea that this is just not Christmas anymore for me. My mind feels like a ticking time bomb and I just want to explode. Suicidal thoughts have been returning and all these days, I've been doing what I know that needs attention and that's fine, but it doesn't remove the facts when I come back home, it's not home at all.
December is a horrible month for me. I wake up feeling like I have the world on my shoulders, meanwhile I feel that all the responsibility of picking up the pieces of my family is left on me. I don't think that the cards I've been dealt with is fair, but when the fuck did everyone start to look at me for the maintenance of my family?
I can't shake off waking up in the location where my traumas are my daily reminders. I feel that no matter how well guarded I am about me, I feel exposed by people, like an open book. People know what I've done, but they don't know the damage and destruction I live with at home.
I feel like a flat tire and God keeps me running on auto-pilot. This is not living. I don't know what else to do.
Psalm 38.
-
Hey all, i know its been quite awhile since i posted on here. Its been a summer all right. Its been something else........... You know how they say not to open the can of worms? Well a few months ago i decided to find out what my due date would have been for my first baby, the one conceived by r***. My baby would have been due on March 4th of 2006. They would be 20 years old. I was R**** on June...
-
My day...today...misplaced my debit card...didn't realize it until I got to the register after shopping to a full cart. Used a different debit card and pulled apart everything looking for missing debit card before I left parking lot. Got home, dropped keys. So now I have a missing debit card, missing keys. A full cartload to unload and put away. I got everything put away.Dumped purse for a...
Then I read the ending: "21 Lord, do not forsake me; do not be far from me, my God. 22 Come quickly to help me, my Lord and my Savior."
In the past at times when I felt as down as the rest of the Psalm, I felt like Psalm endings like that were bogus. I thought they were a cheap way out of the rest of the Psalm's darkness so the psalm writer wouldn't get accused of just being a downer. If he put this little cheerful plea to his Savior at the end, then he'd escape criticism for his previous pessimism from religious people.
But then I got to feeling better, and I did start believing in God and some form of Savior. It was not some Sunday School version, I'll admit. But it was a sort of faith nonetheless, one tempered and tested my way by the experience of having been nearly killed by depression and PTSD. It became a very real faith to me, whatever anyone else might think about it and it was none of their business anyway.
Where are you at, findingkatb, when you post Psalm 38 at the end of a posting like the one here? In the one place I was in, or in the other, or in some place in between? Or none of the above? And it's none of my business anyway?
In my personal thought loops I find it helpful to sort my feelings from my facts. Fact: it is December and December is one long string of PTSD anniversaries for me.
How I feel about that fact is all over the map...
Fact: it is tough stuff to put in to words...
Gentle hugs, Kat. I keep asking Santa for an ounce of sanity and his ounce of sanity is just taking the cookies and running. Ho ho.
51Percent, thank you for your response. No, I have not kept up with your posts, but I do connect to the fact thereof. There is no form of Auxiliary Work, It will be closed at my precinct. I did think about asking about the other precincts, if they are open. If not, I might just have to switch things up and do something else. You know? You left me thinking about that part- chaplain for the police force. Or something in relation to that. Maybe in my near future, God willing.
Thank you for your words.
Mujica, Thank you for reply. It is always so enriched with your advice and Godly thoughts. I might just find myself in between and another place. My verse, exactly, would be v.17
Arfie, thanks again for your words of wisdom and help. It is good to know your words come from a background of law enforcement. Separating facts from feelings- good word of advice.
If that weren't true, it would then be a very bleak and empty universe, but it's not defined by pain only. You're not defined by your pain only, either, as much as this time now is. We're here for you as you walk through this valley of the shadow. You are a good person, and it's a privilege for us to be your companions here.