Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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I have an assistant at work who can't drive--had his license taken away after a big accident a couple of years ago. I was led to believe it was epilepsy that caused it. I found out differently today.
On the way home from work, he often asked me to stop off at the supermarket. I would do my shopping then, too, and it just seemed friendly.
His wife called me today and asked me to stop taking him to the store. It turns out he's an alcoholic, and that's why he had the car wreck. Get this: at the supermarket with me he wasn't buying liquor to feed his alcoholism. He was buying multiple bottles of mouthwash and drinking the mouthwash to get drunk. He took a few vacation days last week and really went on a mouthwash drinking bender, and so she called me to ask me to stop helping him buy the stuff.
I had no idea, and that's how this relates to my PTSD. My mother fooled me for a long time claiming my father beat her as well as me. But then my sister told me to check more closely. She was the one telling my dad to beat me for years on end, "to make me a man." She's a homophobe and feared the fact that I'd been sexually assaulted along with other elementary schoolkids would make me gay unless I got beatings regularly to prevent it. It took me forever to figure it out, but I confronted my father eventually and he confessed it to me.
For years I stood up to my father on behalf of my mother and took beatings over a lie. I was such a fool, and I got PTSD for my trouble.
It doesn't look like I've learned much since then about not being a sucker, and I'm 57 years old now. I feel utterly embarrassed and stupid.
On the way home from work, he often asked me to stop off at the supermarket. I would do my shopping then, too, and it just seemed friendly.
His wife called me today and asked me to stop taking him to the store. It turns out he's an alcoholic, and that's why he had the car wreck. Get this: at the supermarket with me he wasn't buying liquor to feed his alcoholism. He was buying multiple bottles of mouthwash and drinking the mouthwash to get drunk. He took a few vacation days last week and really went on a mouthwash drinking bender, and so she called me to ask me to stop helping him buy the stuff.
I had no idea, and that's how this relates to my PTSD. My mother fooled me for a long time claiming my father beat her as well as me. But then my sister told me to check more closely. She was the one telling my dad to beat me for years on end, "to make me a man." She's a homophobe and feared the fact that I'd been sexually assaulted along with other elementary schoolkids would make me gay unless I got beatings regularly to prevent it. It took me forever to figure it out, but I confronted my father eventually and he confessed it to me.
For years I stood up to my father on behalf of my mother and took beatings over a lie. I was such a fool, and I got PTSD for my trouble.
It doesn't look like I've learned much since then about not being a sucker, and I'm 57 years old now. I feel utterly embarrassed and stupid.
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Which explains the mysterious fevers and my extra fatigue. I'm so glad I pushed for answers.
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Due to my increased paranoia, anxiety, and a panic attack over the weekend, my psychiatrist has put me back in a full dose of Zyprexa until further notice. Every time I think I'm getting ahead something happens and it's back to square one. I knew he was gonna do this but I can't help feeling disappointed. It is what it is.
Muji: I'll tell you what you already know: this says a lot about him, and nothing about you.
You may as well say you were unable to detect that he had cancer, from the smell of his sweat.
We DS-PTSD'ers have to stop blaming ourselves for what others do/have done, particularly what they've done to us.
Yeah. In a perfect world, we'd see _everything_. And maybe that is a reasonable (if unrealistic) goal.
But none of that means it's our fault.
This guy conned you. That's on him.
You GOT conned ... because you're a good person who isn't absolutely cynical and distrusting.
Would you really want to be somebody else ?
I wouldn't want you to be somebody else. YMMV ;-)
You obviously have a kind heart and you want to help people. Yes, from time to time someone may take advantage or "fool" you, but that doesn't make you a fool. It means you've shown kindness.
Thank heavens you are you. I have no doubt that you have helped so many with your kindness. I hope that this won't stop you.
Btw, yes to everyone who has reassured you. His deception does not make you a fool. Big hugs my friend.
This man is really sick my friend.... Most addicts are filled with guilt and shame however they have a monkey on their back that is so hard to remove
Hopefully your assistant and friend will soon hit his bottom and will seek the help that he needs
My father was an alcoholic and my grandma as well struggled with it... And then I married an alcoholic so I guess I followed what I knew back then
It's not a character flaw sweetie... It is a really serious illness that I hope your assistant will soon want help with as there is very good help to be had... Big hug for you... Please don't feel bad.... You are no fool... You've been trying to help your friend and that's a good thing....xo
I go into robot mode too often to get past people for that reason, cause I've had a few.
Sorry that he took advantage of your kindness with a lie and multiplied it.
J.
And the guy drinking mouthwash? He's deep in the Big Lie. In my experience of my addict-raddled family, when they hit that point? They con *everyone*. My one cousin had a brilliant con going, with social services, her spouse, half the family ("oh poor baby!").... Three kids born while she's addicted to cocaine but social services still fell for her con job. And they're supposed to be trained *against* that....
ALl that to mean---You're willing to believe you are being shown Truth because that is what you show. I'm in the same "D'oh!" boat with you, if it's any comfort. I suspect my mom's been conning me for a while now. And after seeing her operate as a high-functioning alcoholic, you'd think I'd know better, right? Yeah. No.
Can't really improve on what David said way up top, but had to add anyway.
Be you. We love you as is. :-)
(BTW, if he's drinking mouthwash? God bless his wife for notifying you. When they hit that point, in my family anyway, it's a short trip to a long recovery. A lot of the alcohol in those mouthwashes is no longer *ethanol*. It's denatured or methyl alcohol. And the phenols? Ohhhh, nasty. Menthol's bad, but the eucalyptol and thymols? Yikes. Drink enough, those'll kill you if the alcohols don't. .... Point being, as Al Anon taught us and you reminded me a year ago and I have not again forgotten: Love (or pray), but at a safe distance.)
Gentle hugs and purry comfort,
Leo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xg3gBslaaFY
I'm working on letting it sink in that this isn't about my stuff, it's about his stuff. In doing so, I'm not hating him. I am hating his behavior that hurts him, me, and his wife--all of us. I am working on how I didn't see what was going on: he hid it from me well. I am working on how I am responsible only for what I know. Now that his wife put me in the know, I'm responsible for not taking him to the store any more so I'm not an enabler for his addiction. But even though I feel dumb, I hear it when you say I wasn't. I didn't know, so I was innocent. I wasn't an enabler then.
Wow, it's hard to sort through this when there are such powerful feelings from my PTSD past, feelings like shame. I was shamed a lot in the years of trauma when I got PTSD. I was taught that my own victimization was my own fault. So when trouble comes in relationships waves of shame come on. I hear you say not to succumb to believing the shame is called for, though. It's from my past, it's not appropriate to this situation.
So I'm a work in progress through the weekend, processing what happened. I'm sorting out which of my feelings about myself in it are real and true to this moment, and which are just blasts from my PTSD past. I'd like to take a break from all of this sorting, though. If I can convince my PTSD hypervigilance to knock it off for a little while, I'll be able to get some rest.
Any advice on how to sort and how to convince my hypervigilance that I don't have to figure it all out right are very welcome. All of your posts here have been right on the mark, so feel free to keep them coming. You're true friends. Thank goodness for DS PTSD.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sx8ZHBPh32k
THat's how I usually end up feeling.
No idea if taht's useful but it's all I have today.:-)
Being lied to can totally mess with your head, so don't beat yourself up too badly. I'd rather be a trusting soul and get burned every now and then than be a person who is under a dark cloud of suspicion... so much more exhausting.
You're a good egg. < 3