Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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Today has been a shit week. But today was especially bad. So basically besides my dad and brother who raped me I got an ex boyfriend who forced me to suck him off, and two random guys who fingered me in the fifth grade. Anyway this post is mainly about the two boys.
So in the grade five, I was at a valentine's day party at the school. I had to go to the bathroom but at the time I didn't know about the women gang up in the bathroom thing... Anyway so I went into the bathroom, finished up and began to wash my hands when two older boys came into the bathroom with me. One grabbed my wrists and kicked my knees in so I was on the ground. The second one then picked my legs up and they brought me to the large stall. So I screamed and the second guy grabbed my neck (basically choking me) and said don't fucking scream you little bitch and then slapped while my neck was in his hand. He let my neck go and began undressing me. He made sure not to rip my dress that I had on. Anyway so he began licking me while he jacked off. He then after a few minutes shoved four fingers into me. And he just went for it. After about a minute or so my male friend came in after hearing my scream he banged on the door and finally kicked the door open. The door slammed the first guys head (the one who was holding me hostage I guess) and he let is grip loose and my head fell and hit the ground. My friend punched him in the face and both dudes ran off. My friend basically just held me for an hour until I could actually move again. Like I physically could not move. His entire fist was in me when my friend saved me....
Anyway so flash forward to today. I just got out of the shower. I typically avoid looking at myself in the incase I actually see one of the incidents. But for some reason I looked at myself in the mirror, naked. And I was suddenly in that damn stall, being fingered/fisted. I can't seem to escape it. Maybe it's because it was a bad week? I don't know. But my sense of control is just gone. I almost collapsed because of ghost pains. It was that bad. I don't know what to do. I'm helpless...
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My day...today...misplaced my debit card...didn't realize it until I got to the register after shopping to a full cart. Used a different debit card and pulled apart everything looking for missing debit card before I left parking lot. Got home, dropped keys. So now I have a missing debit card, missing keys. A full cartload to unload and put away. I got everything put away.Dumped purse for a...
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Welcome to the Perseid meteor showers, the "biggies" usually every year. (The Leonids beat 'em one year IMHO).AND today much of the northern hemisphere will see 5 to 99% solar eclipse. How cool is that? Your best bet is to be in the UK or norhtern Spain, where totality is excellent before sundown. Me, I'll get a super duper tiny itty bitty slice of it, so little that it won't be noticeable. New...
I hope you feel better.
I hope you can overcome whatever triggered you.... but if not, maybe find someone to talk to. Biggest hugs!
"Forgive and forget" was my mother's mantra during the trauma strings my siblings (10 of them) and I suffered during our childhoods. I plied that mantra to full "Trauma Induced Amnesia." Who needs to forgive what you can forget? Alas, the repressed memories kept leaking out in epic nightmare strings and totally unpredictable flashbacks similar to what you described. I was too busy habitually repressing memories to take note of the triggers.
Processing the memories and developing awareness of the triggers was/is my personal "fix." Guided therapy helped me hold a more or less steady course through the initial processing. I would still surgically remove those memories, if I could, but I'm stuck with them and have reached a level of peace with them which allows me to be reminded without losing myself in crippling flashbacks. I ignored the symptoms for enough years that my repression habits had the strength of considerable use. It took allot of years to develop new habits. Works still in progress. . . Healing takes what it takes.
But that is me. . .
Gentle support while you find what works for you, Cry.
After that I was treated like a second class family member and a liability. She went on that year to tell me that I was damaged and going to hell, not to bother to ask Jesus to save me from it. Beatings for no apparent reason began. How my family treated after I went to them for help was as bad as the original trauma had been.
I found, then, Cry, that often those who can help us the most, ironically, are people who've been through it ourselves and don't judge, just lend support. I'm so sorry for what you've been through, but you're not alone. When these memories are triggered we're always here.