During the first weekend with those men, I was told repeatedly never to say anything about it to members of my family or anyone else. They said it was our secret. I guess they wanted to give themselves some extra assurance that I would keep my mouth shut, so they put on a performance that I do not think I will ever forget. They seemed to know that I had a dog and they said they wanted me to see the theirs. I was bundled up and they took me outside. We went a little ways from the house until I saw a dog chained. One of the men told me that if I ever said anything to anyone about what they were doing with me, then this was what would happen to my dog. Having said those words, he raised a rifle and shot his dog. It was dead. That scared me more than anything else did. I knew then and there that I would never say a word to anyone.

(I cannot remember everything, which occurred after that. Bits and pieces of things come to my mind randomly. As I go on from here, I may be jumping around a bit just because nothing seems to be in the proper sequence of events.)

I know that when I went home, I was asked if I enjoyed myself. I said yes. My parents seemed to be happy about it, and said that they would be letting me go away with their friend at least once a month. I did not like that idea.

After some months, I was with them again, and things started changing somewhat. I saw a new side of them, which I definitely did not like. They said I had been around them long enough that I should take a more active role. I did not know what that meant, but they explained it to me. In summary, I was to ask them if there was anything I could do to bring them more pleasure. I was told that if I did not do it, they would punish me. I tried doing what they asked, but there were several times when I no longer wanted to do it.

One of the men asked me why I had not been asking them if I could please them more. I simply stated that I did not want to do that. Quicker than I could imagine he slapped me. The sting of the slap brought tears to my eyes. I had started to slump to the side, but someone else set me up straighter. Another slap stung my face. This was done several times until I begged them to stop. I can remember crying for what seemed to be forever. Each of the men unzipped their pants and told me to ask them if there was anything I could do to please them. By that time, I knew exactly what they wanted, and I did it.

During that same weekend, they must have become angry at me for some other reason because I remember the results. When they put me to bed that night they placed me on my stomach and tied my arms above my head and my legs to each side of the bed. They took turns spanking me. Then they started hitting my buttocks with some type of belt or paddle. I was told that it would happen again whenever I refuse to do what I was told. They also said to me that pain and pleasure was a great combination, which I would learn in the coming months.

Before they let me go home, they made sure that I did not have any bruises, which could be seen by my parents.

I am sorry you did not receive much of a response right away. I know how tremendously difficult it is to risk opening up, even the slightest bit, and sit waiting, and not receive what you were hoping would be there. I hear such pain and suffering in what you are writing. My heart breaks for you, for that place, in those emotions is so excruciating to trudge through each day. I am so sorry that you are hurting so much!! I am sorry there was no one there to protect you when you most needed it, and that now, you are living through sooooooooooo much that seems to have sooo much power over you, making your life such a tremendous struggle. Having walked in cement shoes, I just want to offer you an ear, a shoulder, some support.

Wishing you peace and healing.

I need to jump to the present for a while. The events of the past have apparently taken more of a toll on me than I had originally thought. I really want to be with people, but I cannot. I seem to be afraid of almost everyone I meet. It is almost as if I fear that they are going to grab me and whisk me off to some deserted place where they can inflict their own violence and perverted lusts on me. I see myself obeying their every whim. A psychiatrist told me that I am afraid of both men and women. How can I go on living in such a state?

Then, in addition, I feel extremely guilty writing about my mother's role in this. It is not because she was innocent -- she was not. She was my mother. She raised me, nurtured me, helped me when I was in pain, and encouraged me when I doubted my own abilities and myself. She had many good qualities and characteristics. Reading what I have written, I know that a stranger would think I am an ungrateful, uncaring, and horrible son who would ruin her reputation in this way. Even I feel like that. I feel guilty most of the time. Not a day goes by when I do not condemn myself for what I am doing. Is it worth the pain and suffering? Am I really accomplishing anything here? There are too many questions and not enough answers.

It seems as though there are times when I get the present and the past mixed up. Everything seems to become blurred. I wake up in the middle of the night to see my abusers surrounding me. I cringe and try to keep my eyes tightly shut. Rarely does it help. They are still there. They are touching and holding me -- putting their hands and other parts of their bodies where they should not be.

I really need to start seeing a therapist on a regular basis. I have tried to find one, along with a good friend, but so far, we have not been successful. I fail to understand why a mental health clinic does not have anyone who can deal with PTSD. At the very least, I would think they would be able to refer me to someone who can. Whoever I see must accept Medicare or Medicaid, and their office must be wheelchair accessible. In a city with a population of almost a half a million people, I would think there should be at least one person with the skills, abilities, and time to help me. Is that asking too much?

You do not need to feel guilty for telling the truth. Your mom (as you have graciously included) had her good points, but she's not perfect...telling the truth is important if you are going to heal, and it doesn't help her to let her live as if the truth is a lie. Likely she will never know what you've shared anyway, and none of us here, or your t. know her, so you aren't doing her any harm. But what happened to you is real, you aren't suffering these nightmares and fears and PTSD for nothing...it's ok to tell your own story. It's not your job to protect her, it was her job to protect you.
em

Wow! There is a lot in your most recent post - INCREDIBLE PAIN AND SUFFERING!!!! PTSD, especially when you are in the thick of it, is excruciating, painful, pure suffering, unfortunately. I don't know if it helps you to know that what you are experiencing is what so many of us experience. Not trying to minimize it or down play what you are going through in ANY way. Just want you to know you are not alone. In the middle of things it is often hard to get oriented, to wrap your mind around things, to make sense of things...... and that makes living day to day very, very difficult. Then, the fear. The fear seems paralyzing, doesn't it? Especially when you continue to feel as if you are living through those traumas, again and again and again. It's ok. You are safe right now. It is 2007. Those people cannot hurt you anymore. You are safe.

There is no "right" way to heal from this. Only YOU know what you need and HOW you need it. Trust yourself and your gut. You already know everything you need to know and you already have all you need within you. A therapist can help you get past the fear and access what is already in you - your strengths, your wisdom, your intuition - but they are already there. Just wanted you to know that, because it sounds like there are so many things in the way of you getting to see a therapist right now. I am so sorry that is the case. It is an injustice that people seeking help cannot get it or find it so difficult to get it. My heart goes out to you. Don't give up. You have so much strength, wisdom, courage - and right now, the part of you that wants to heal/is healing is stronger than that fear!! I know that because you are here, reaching out to all of us... you are conquering that fear merely by giving voice to you!!! It is a big, big, big step just to speak up! Look back at just how far you've come! It is amazing how much you've already accomplished! You ARE doing this!

Tonight I only have time for a few brief comments. Just to set the record straight on one thing, my mother is no longer living. She died in 1994. Even so, because of my spiritual beliefs, I think she is here in spirit though not in body. I truly believe she is on a different plane of existence -- one in which she can see and hear what is happening in this world. That is how I know she is hearing and seeing everything I mention about her. It is some of what causes my feelings of guilt.

Yes, I am going through periods of pain and suffering, but I try not to refer to them. It is this feeling inside that tells me I have to be strong and not let anyone see my emotions and my weaker side. Keeping everything bottled up inside me until I am ready to explode is causing me both mental and physical anguish.

I do not like to see others suffer, yet it is good to know that I am not entirely alone in what I am going through. In an odd way I know that I am not alone, and that there are others who have found themselves at the place where I am now.

Part of me wants to stop this journal, but when I saw my doctor today he suggested that I begin one -- not knowing that I had already done so. I find it extremely hard to share my inner thoughts and feelings with others. I am afraid of being judged by those who have not been there before me. I have a lot of fears that threaten to hold me back when I know that in order to heal fully, I must continue moving forward.

just want you to know that you needn't fear judgment from me. :) and as for other people judging your situation, they really don't have the right...it's your life, you've lived it, why would you let them from the snapshot of info they have count their opinion above your own.

you mentioned that there were good times with your mom. i've never abused my kids, nor have they had to experience any trauma or ongoing abuse in their lives, but i do make mistakes as a mom. i love them, and if i did something ever to harm them, i would want them to be able to talk to someone they could trust to help them through it...i wouldn't want them to suffer to "protect my memory" somehow... it sounds as though your mom loved you, but made some serious mistakes, you can acknowledge that love adn that she did her best, but also recognize there were shortfalls. it doesn't seem to me like she'd want you to be suffering like this, esp. over what she did...if i know anything about having guilt as a mother, that would be it...i'd feel overwhelming guilt if i knew i inflicted harm, even unintentionally, on one of my children. i'd hope that after they worked through the pain, they'd be able to still know that i loved them, but if it came down to my name/memory/reputation being protected, or their well-being, there wouldn't be a moment's hesitation in telling them to do whatever they needed to do to heal.

Emotions that are bottled up find their way out in one fashion or another...sometimes through our physcial bodies ailing, sometimes in misdirected anger, depression, or anxiety, but it doesn't go away until it's actually brought out into the light, and in relationship with a trusted person. pushing it aside allowed you to survive for a time, but now, it's time to take action to help yourself, something that should have been done for you a long time ago, but in the absense of that, it becomes something you can do for yourself as you reach out and share your heart.

There's a good book that might help you with this, it's called "how we love" by milan yerkovich--another along the same lines is "Hiding from Love" i think by John Townsend or Henry Cloud. either way, i think you'd be encouraged by them adn the light they shed on your situation.

with care,
em

After being here for awhile you will be much more comfortable with who you are and how you got that way. In fact you will realize that you ARE normal once you put those atrocities into perspective.
I have ptsd and thats part of who I am and I'm not afraid to tell the world. If you look on my homepage you can read details. I'm not afraid to talk about anything any more, which is very liberating.

I may be getting a little off topic, but some of what I have to say is important to me. My life is complicated in many ways. Some of those seem to be connected to one another, although I am not sure how it has happened.

Because of my disability I use a home health care agency where professional people can provide care for me that I cannot provide for myself. This past week has been a seemingly endless nightmare. I have been trying to switch from one agency to another. This may sound simple, but it is not. I had to find an agency that I thought could provide very good care. And during this time I felt extremely guilty about leaving the agency that I currently have. I have grown to know, and like, many of the people there. But there have been times when they have lied to me and did not keep their original promises. I have put up with it for three years and felt the anger within me keep getting stronger and stronger until I feared that I would no longer be able to keep it bottled up. I decided it is time to make a change.

There is a part of me that feels as if I am ungrateful for all the help that this agency has given me in the past three years. More importantly than that is the feeling of guilt that I think about almost every hour in every day. It is so bad that there are times when I do not want to live with myself. Someone told me that the guilt I am feeling now stems from the guilt I had as a child when I was undergoing the sexual abuse. I do not know how the two are related, but I guess this is something that someone else will need to explain to me.

As if this was not enough, I am beginning to feel a need to be punished. Something inside of me says I need to be hurt and to feel pain. This inner voice says that I must find a way to hurt myself and to let the pain flow from within me. This scares me a lot, and I am fearful of what I might do to hurt myself.

It's common for abuse survivors to feel guilty when they start taking care of themselves. That's happened to me a lot. My therapist said to just expect a guilt backlash whenever I made a positive move for myself. That helped me to understand where that was coming from and to ignore the guilt and instead pat myself on the back for getting better.

I found that the more I did to take care of myself the less power guilt had over me.

Sounds to me like leaving that agency is a positive and powerful change. The bigger and better the change the bigger the backlash. Sometimes just stepping outside ourselves and viewing the feelings objectively takes away their power.

It also helps me to remember that it's usually my wounded inner child who is the one feeling the guilt so I need to reassure her as an adult that I'm going to protect her no matter what.

It has been a long time coming, but I finally have some good news to write here. I saw a psychologist last week who has agreed to work with me. After giving me some tests, she said I had extreme depression. I knew that, but I guess she wanted to make sure for herself. There were a few times when she was asking me questions that I actually forgot them before giving her the answers. I felt stupid about that.

She said she could feel a lot of pain coming from me but did not see it expressed. I told her that I hid my feelings well. She replied that a lot of people did that. I said that I was afraid of a lot of things, and she said that I was safe in her office. That may be true physically, but I am not sure if it is mentally as well.

I am trying to think in a positive manner, but I already know there will be things that I will be uncomfortable with when it comes to talking with her face-to-face. It is similar to some of the problems I have here. There are things I know I should talk about, but I am afraid to do so for various reasons. As a man, I feel uncomfortable and ashamed with revealing to others that I was abused. It gets even worse with the knowledge that much of my abuse came from other men. That raises questions about my sexuality, and even at my age, I do not want to discuss that.

I need to continue writing here. I am at a point where I know what needs to be said but I am not sure how to say it. I do not know how much of what occurred I should omit, and how much I should tell. Should I be entirely honest, which would require me to use explicit language, or should I skip over a lot of things? This has been puzzling me for quite some time and I have been putting off making a decision. I am no closer to finding an answer now than I was a month ago.

I still possess that irrational fear that in some way my abusers will come back again. They are haunting me day and night. I remain in my apartment, behind a locked door, almost all the time. On those occasions when I do go out, I make sure that someone is with me who I can trust, and that I have a specific destination in mind. I go where I need to go, do my business, and then come directly home where I can barricade myself and be somewhat secure.

The sounds of people walking past my doorway make me tighten up with fear. I listen to their footsteps, waiting for them to stop in front of my door. My mind tells me that somehow they are going to unlock my door and come inside my apartment. I cringe with fear and panic at what I know will happen next.

I'm so glad you found a new therapist. I have a lot of fears left from the abuse. They make life so difficult and exhausting. I hope this therapist can help you with coping skills so you can live as free a life as possible. I am just so determined not to let my abusers steal my life from me. They've robbed me of so much. I have had boyfriends who were abused by men when they were children. They expressed many of the same feelings you have about why it is so difficult for them to talk about the abuse. I admire your courage.

I am having a difficult time continuing this, and would appreciate help or suggestions. Even though I was a male, a large part of my sexual abuse came from men. That fact did not bother me too much when I was a child (how much do small children know about sex anyway), but the older I got, the more I realized what was actually happening to me.

In order to go on from here, I need to write about some of what occurred, but don't want to offend people, lose any of the friends I've already made here, or say something that could hurt me in some way.

At the same time, though, I've already embarrassed myself, and shown my repeated and ongoing feelings of shame and guilt. If anyone is reading this, I am hurting deep inside. Please help me.

JimK,
We all have our stories here...but releasing them will help to expel that shame and guilt that is pent up inside you. Once your story is released, that shame and guilt can be placed where it belongs-on your abusers.

I didn't go into very much detail on my story on here.

If you so choose to go into lots of details, you don't have to share all of that with us if you don't want to. Write your story in Microsoft Word, or another program. Then copy and paste what you choose into your journal what you'd like to share.

But, you've come a long way already.

I don't know if actually delving into all the sexual details of the abuse is quite necessary anyways?? I mean we discuss them in therapy, and it's uncomfortable enough there...I don't know, I am at the beginning stages of healing myself. I chose not to go into explicit detail.

It's hard to do, but I felt a lot better after getting it out. Then, I dealt with the anger issues that followed. And, now I have settled into some peace.

Good Luck!

I have avoided writing another entry for more than a month. I have spent most of that time dealing with home health-care agencies that are supposed to provide care for me, but which have not been doing such a good job of it lately. Things got so bad that I quit one agency and joined another.

The care that they give me is not just cooking and house cleaning, but consists of more intimate things such as bathing and dressing. I am not at all comfortable with having other people do these things for me, but it is a necessity. Now, all of the people helping me are women. I am embarrassed when they see me without clothing. I feel dirty inside. There are times when I close my eyes until they are finished working with me. It is almost as if I am afraid that some of the abuse that was inflicted upon me will be rubbed off on them.

Today I interviewed people from another agency. I had high hopes, but they were soon dashed when I was told that most of the people helping me would be men. When I heard that, I had a sudden flashback to those times when I was a child being abused by men. There is no possible way that I can make a change to this agency.

At the same time that I have been working with getting a good home health care agency, I realized that I managed to run away from writing more entries in my journal. I intend to get back to it on a weekly basis very soon. There are some details that I may skip, but I need to write as much as possible. Keeping everything inside of me is not going to bring about the healing that I need. I have managed to come this far, so what would be the point of stopping now?