As much as I would like a better relationship with my brother, I am beginning to see that it is not going to happen at this time. We have been too far apart, for too long a time, to change now. We have each taken a position and neither of us is likely to give an inch to the other. But rather than lose my brother entirely, I have decided to just back off for a while.

As the months and years went past, the amount of abuse I received from my mother, along with the intensity, increased. When my brother graduated from high school, and then went to college, that opened the door a bit wider for my mother to do more of what she pleased with me. By that time, I definitely knew that the ways in which she touched me were inappropriate. I am not sure why I did not say something to anyone. I might have been afraid, or embarrassed, or maybe by then I had started to enjoy some of what was happening.

It's hard for me to look back and actually consider the possibility that I had begun to like what was occurring. As I write this today, I hang my head with shame, and my eyes begin to fill with tears.

Even though that part of my life was bad, it was almost nothing compared with what loomed ahead.

Hi Jimk, I hope this note finds you smiling with the sun on your face. I am fairly new here about 1 & 1/2 wks. I promise there are kind and caring people right here. I too went through alot of abuse by my father and 5 brothers for 13 yrs. I am a little younger than you. I promise you can get through to the other side of this. You may not always have the therapist you want, but you might find something workable right under your nose.Some of us are home all day and have too much time on our hands, so a msg on the computer is good. It is normal to go through confussion with all the things you have lately been through and just what you have been through in general.The good news is you are still in control of your life. This cloud that hangs over your head and in your life can be chased away. I promise I have traveled down some of that same road. Do your best to see in your mind the life you want and put your energy into that picture, see it happening for you, breath it in, sleep on it. Keep that picture in your head and breath life into it. I am here if you ever want to chat.

Hi Jim,

Welcome. I was abused by both my mother and father. My mother's abuse wasn't sexual but she did just about everything else. My father sexually abused me from the time I was an infant.

I'm one of the "old timers." I've been in and out of therapy now for some 25 years. Don't let that scare you. Most people heal much quicker. My abuse was so severe and so extensive that my PTSD has been very difficult to treat.

A question I have is why your therapist wants to end treatment. Ending therapy can be a huge trigger. If your current therapy has to end are you looking for a new therapist to work with?

It sounds like it's really important to get ongoing help so you don't feel abandoned and alone.

I'm not glad to hear about someone else having to suffer as much, but it is kind of nice to know I'm not the only one in the universe diagnosed with severe and complicated PTSD. Honestly though I have to admit that therapy has failed me for the most part, (not entirely). I have done better listening to myself than listening to the "doctors" on different points. I have had doctors tell me that I could do something if I wanted to and this did not help at all. Matter of fact it hurt quite a bit because I was there seeing them specifically because of what I could no longer do and what was going on in my brain. It was like they just overlooked everything I said and were just treating me generically, as with everybody else who walked in the door. Give them the same meds and the same homework and the same spiel...send them on their way until their next appointment. Tried to give me drugs that I'm allergic to. Then another one didn't want to continue seeing me unless I cut off ALL contact with my family and I couldn't realistically do that. I know probably nobody wants to hear about all that's gone wrong with me in therapy but I am only talking about it in case somebody else has similar experiences and due to the problems they are having, instead of questioning their treatment; find themselves questioning their own judgement and deciding that the doctors generally know what's best for them. This can be a huge mistake and can cause you more harm in the long run and significantly reduce your overall chances of healing and living a more normal life. Listen to your intuition. Insult to injury doesn't work very well when you are already ripped totally apart. All of that having been said... there is a network on the Internet, called Sidran that deals specifically with trauma patients and can help you find a specialist in your area that deals specifically with trauma patients only. I have gotten recommendations from them and intend to see one of the very few psych doctors in my area whose specialty really is trauma. There are not a lot of these people but I think seeing somebody who specializes specifically in what is wrong with you is likely to produce better results. Kind of like not going to your primary doctor when you know you are having a heart attack....(go to the ER and hopefully the one in your area with the best cardiac care). I, also, have been abused from a very young age on forward. Almost every kind of abuse/trauma you can imagine is all I'm going to say, with the exception being the frontlines of a war, but some of what I've experienced is just as horrific, sometimes worse. I have been abused ever since I can remember anything and the memories are still coming back, even after forty years (my first memories). I don't think they will ever stop because my brain still shuts things out. It records them but I have no conscious memory until some time later. Sometimes it may be three weeks, other times three years, other things thirty years. Just never ends. If I am reminded of an event then sometimes it will trigger a memory even though it may be slow in the coming. A lot of stuff I just remember bits and pieces. Some things I have no visual memory of at all, only auditory. I have had visuals come back though long after I thought I would never know what happened because everything was BLACK, literally that is what I remember, nothing but BLACK. The good therapist I saw explained to me that I was remembering things like this because that is the way the memories are made - your brain first records the auditory. Don't ever know when something may hit me OR for that matter when my brain is going to flip a switch and the recorder will come on while I go somewhere else (where I can't say except that it is a strange feeling). Trying to navigate my way around all of this is not easy but what else can you do???? (As if I could choose), why would ANYBODY choose this type of Hell? Everytime I remember anything, my whole world is turned inside out and upside down and spinning all around me. Puts everything in a different perspective and I have to try to deal with it all somehow trying to fit everything back together after it has once again been blasted from the past. Talk about a BOMB. Want to travel through space and time?? Just have a good talk with somebody that has a really bad case of PTSD. Happens all the time; in MY brain. Not quite as cool as it sounds though. I have been told that the more I remember the worse it could become, in that it could "take over" my brain in a sense; shutting out what had been foremost in my consciousness while bringing back what I could not remember before. Also that my ability to function may decrease as this happens. I'm just trying to live. What I am having the most trouble handling right now is the fact that my PTSD is probably not going to go away. Even the memories themselves are not as bad as this knowledge. It's like being handed a life sentence. How do you deal with knowing that your brain is never going to work right?? The last therapist I saw (and she was pretty good at what she did, having been stalked by her own father for a good part of her life, she could relate to a lot and had a lot of knowledge too), quit seeing me because she did not feel she could help me. Felt that my PTSD was too severe. This was a hard blow and has added more reluctance/hesitation to my seeking "professional" help. It took a lot of nerve for me to even try to talk and I don't feel up to going at it again. Tired of being mentally/emotionally poked at, pried apart and examined. All for what?? To tell me what I already know?? To humiliate me a bit more? I think maybe I'd rather stay at ground zero than head back into the negative zone forever. I'd add pictures to this but having a bit of trouble with the computer. I'm better at explaining things with pictures to illustrate what the words don't say.
(A picture is worth a thousand words, right?) Hmmm. A picture maybe is worth more than all the words(?) Maybe I'll learn how to make a video with music one of these days, (won't be too soon). Everybody have a nice day (or night)!

Hi JimK, welcome. I'm fairly new to Daily Stength, and in a short time, I feel I have released so much already. The people on this site are so non-judgemental, caring loving people. I wish you luck on your journey here:)moonstar22

"(While this is only the beginning of my story, I need to take a break at this point. I believe that I am beginning to have some physical problems which are related to getting some of this out of my system. I realize this is a healing process, but Im going to have to take it one small step at a time.)"
-----------------------
That's >exactly< right. One step at a time.

I want to start with one suggestion. You said your mother liked to "stir up the pot". That's very important.

I would like you to learn about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I completely understand your confusion. When in crisis, my mother can be the only lifeline. Then when I am looking for normalcy, she can be the thing which destroys me.

I was her punching bag more often than not. So I was never attached the way you have been, but I have been stuck by frustration and wanting a loving mother and confused by what she said versus what she did and the back and forth and "was it me?" What could I do to change? (I said elsewhere, blaming ourselves is natural - a way to regain control. If it's my fault, I can stop it and change it, right? Letting go of that thought process is a powerful and longterm process.)

Read about BPD. It might resonate. Here's what I found from it... the understanding of what was really going on, of how she was sick, freed me from the confusion and the internal tug of war. I say it's like I've had this picture on my lap that's splotches of lots of color and I had some understanding of what that picture was... but then learning about BPD was like placing an overlay with all the lines on top of all those splotches of color and - WOW! - it just made COMPLETE sense. Every move she made and every reaction I had to the whole process. It's even opened windows into the behaviors of my brothers...

Understanding is powerful and can create amazing *poof* it's better situations.

One step at a time. We get sick because it's not one thing that needs fixing but the build up of many layers. So, one step and one moment of clarity to give hope and strength for the next. :) It becomes a beautiful life then.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/bpd.cfm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder

I have had some problems this week, which have left me without the use of any antidepressants. Because of this, I have been thinking of many things (maybe too many) and have been drawing connections between my current and past life. They have not been pleasant ones.

Sometime around when I was eight or nine I also began being abused by people other than my family members. My parents were friends with a man who was a service manager with a local car agency where my mother worked.

Apparently thinking that I needed to get away from home now and then, some type of arrangement was made whereby this man would let me stay with him one weekend every month. I am sure my parents thought it was all innocent, but that was not the real case.

The man I was staying with one had a one-bedroom apartment. During my time with him, he shared his bed, and body, with me. When we went to bed, he would fondle me and rub his body against mine. He grabbed my hands and made me do the same to him. He later forced me to perform oral sex on him. He told me that this was what grown men did.

(Thinking back on it, I get extremely angry with everyone involved. Why wouldn't my parents know what was happening? I keep thinking there should have been a way that I could stop him, but I still do not know what that would be. I feel nothing but shame and guilt.)

Some months after this began; this man told me that every now and then he would take me to visit some of his friends. What he did not tell me was that he would leave me with them for the entire weekend. I do not know why, but I can still remember that first time with them. They lived in the country, when we arrived at their home he carried me into the house and sat me at a kitchen table.

After my "friend" left, they gave me cookies and milk. One of the men picked me up and sat me on his lap. After I finished this snack, he took me into another room and sat down with me. There was a fireplace and the room was warm. He said he did not want me to get too hot, and began removing my clothing until there was nothing left. As I recall, I think I became somewhat drowsy, and he and his friends took me upstairs to a bedroom and put me to bed. Each of them (I think there were four) took turns spending part of the night with me. By the time morning arrived, they had familiarized themselves with my body, and had made me do the same with them.

(It almost seems as though it is happening all over again even as I write this. I can see and feel the men, and smell the stench from their bodies. I feel their hands and fingers as they invade my body. I can see them as they force me to do almost unspeakable things with their bodies. Tonight I am shaking with fear and shame. A part of me knows that I should be keeping this to myself. I do not know if I can go on living with the knowledge of what I have done.)

Oh, Jim!

This is so awful! I think it's hard for anyone to learn about these things and not be truly devastated.

Please remember, pedophiles work together. They find children they can take advantage of and then pass them around. News reports prove this over and over again. A man in Arizona was posing as a junior high kid, then bringing friends home to the house where he lived with pedophiles. The thing is, the pedophiles got made because they didn't realize the man was an adult. They were pissed off because he wasn't a kid. Can you believe that?

I think that says a lot about the mentality of these people. It's shown that many of them were molested themselves and now they perpetrate it on others. They're so mixed up and confused. Even this man pretended to be a child to resubjugate himself to abuse. That's the REAL crazy!

Jim, we are SO proud of you for being your own person and for coming here. You are SO BRAVE to face these memories and to fight for freedom from them. It is tiring and trying and we are so glad you trust us to support you through this.

***BIG HUGS*** :)

I have taken somewhat of a long break. The last entry they took a lot of energy away from me. It was difficult writing about some very unpleasant details of my life, and with every word, I wrote, the more certain I became that anyone who ever read what I had written would never want to have anything to do with me.

The question I am now posing to myself is whether to continue writing about my thoughts and memories. I keep trying to convince myself that this thread is too long and is taking up space needed by others. I think that is only an excuse for not moving forward.

I have already expressed a shame for having the abuse inflicted on me. My feelings really go deeper than that. I believe that I have started to hate myself. I do not want to be around anything, or anyone, I hate. Part of me knows that the only way to deal with this is to destroy myself. My abusers already began this process -- it is up to me to decide whether I want to finish it.

Jim, I'm glad you are still here posting. You're not taking up space from anyone else. We're all here for you. The abuse I went through left me feeling like a piece of garbage. That's how I was treated. I used to feel guilty just for breathing the air. I didn't think I deserved to feel the sun on my face, to be loved or to love. I was treated with hatred and learned to hate myself. I'm not there anymore. I have a lot of bad days still, but I know I am a beautiful child of God, no one can take that away from me. We all are.

One of the only things that kept me going during my darkest years (and there were at least 10 years where I didn't see one glimmer of light) was that I kept saying to myself "I'm not going to let the bastards win." Every day I stayed alive was a day that I won and slowly but surely I started getting better and stronger.

You're carrying the shame that belongs completely to the abusers. Finding freedom is a process. But you are a survivor. You can do it.

Whatever it takes. This board is here for people to vent. Write as much as you want. Always know that there are people here who care about you. It matters to me that you are here. Blessings, DD

JimK,
I think you have done a great job releasing some of your thoughts and memories here on Daily Strength!

In my experience, writing or journaling about some of things that are bothering about my SA (Sexual Abuse) are therapeutic for me. AND, I was just diagnosed with PTSD in 4/07..so I am just starting to deal with a lot of these issues for me. Yes, for me, I think when I delve into writing these things, it takes somewhat of a toll on me, mentally and physically. I have avoided DS for awhile after being on here for awhile.

I think you need to find another therapist BEFORE you stop seeing your other therapist. IS your other therapist retiring or moving?? I don't see why she can't link you up with other area therapists..she should be able to refer to someone. It's so hard to find a good therapist.
You could try looking in the phonebook for therapists that specialize in PTSD and/or sexual abuse, calling your insurance company.
It's definitely a long journey to heal, and I am in the beginning stages myself, but am hopeful for the future, sometimes that hope is hard to see.
I am lucky to have two wonderful children, whom I love and adore with all my heart and soul...and they are the soul reason I keep on going. They are the light, they are my future, they hold my hope, they resonate my innocence lost.
I am also lucky to have a husband to stand by me. He has stood by my side through all of the thick, and let me tell you, the last 4 years have been nothing but challenges and downhill struggles for us. We've hit rock-bottom quite a few times, and struggle to climb up.

I lost my Grandma, whom I loved and adored, she was my favorite Grandma, I know she believed me, I lost here in 2005. I really 'lost it' when she died. I think with the loss of her went the true belief that I was SA. I still struggle with grief from losing her.

But, ever since I lost her, I felt a strong need to go to Church. I have never been a Churchy person before. I tried for a year and ahalf to get my husband to go with me...it was like pulling teeth to get him to go.
We finally started attending church in 4/07...and let me tell you, it was one of the best things I have ever done. we attend a non-denominational church, all ages, casual dress...come in shorts/jeans. They have a live band that sings and plays about 3-4 songs each service. My first visit, I broke down in tears...I felt it really touched my soul. They were doing a section on 'The Second Mile' and discussing marriage, relationships, family, career...something that really touched home for us at this time. I sang the pop christian songs they played. It is one of the only few things that I actually look forward to every week now.
I've also started listening to some christian music, and other music that realtes to how I'm feeling and is inspirational. I am moved at how music moves me. I like the: Casting Crowns, Mercy Me, Avril Lavigne, Maroon 5. Check out some of their websites and their song lyrics.

You will NOT be judged here at DS. We all have stories here that we are not proud of. We are here to support each other through our healing.

I have actually felt the shame of the sexual abuse release from me. I want people to know what happened to me, and want people to know HOW it has affected me as an ADULT. It not only affected my childhood, but my ADULTHOOD also. It's NOT fair, and it angers me to no end that I am missing out on my fmaily and my children's lives. But, I will not let him win.

I am here for a reason, and maybe I can make a positive out of this SA situation for someone, or many people someday, and in return get my 'revenge' that I so wish I had.

Here's a few quotes I'd like to post for your inspiration:

Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do.
But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart,
THAT'S TRUE STRENGTH.

"Things happen in your life that you can't change-
but that's no reason to shut out the world."

"Once I truly discovered who God is I lost my fear." Ghandi

"The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere they can be quiet and alone, with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one know that all is as it should be. God does love us and wants us to be happy." Anne Frank

Ephesians 6:10
A final word: Be strong with the Lord's mighty power.

You can't do it.
You feel like giving up.
You are tired and worn out.
God's mighty power is within you.
You can't do it, but God can.
Where in your life have you experienced God's power?
Where in your life do you need God's power?

I'm with DD! I gotta tell you, all the people who respond to their crap by punishing others have lots of things in common, including trying to makes us think that WE are the problem... That's crazy! We are the ones who refuse to perpetuate such abuses and who chose to work through it and want only to turn the darkness into something beautiful.

For me, I often feel like I am standing outside the most disgusting pig pen. I am watching people snuffle around through the mud, on all fours with their snouts covered in filth. They rarely stop to take a breath and they never look up at what's around them. Meanwhile, I am leaning on the rail, standing in luscious green grass under the most beautiful blue sky, glancing around at the trees swaying laden branches in the breeze. I used to holler down and go "What in the world are you doing that for? Do you see how beautiful it is? Come out of there and play with me in the grass and the floors and the breeze! Do you see the birds flying in the sky? Come out! Come out and play!"

I don't holler any more. I don't try and drag anyone out. I just shake my head. I tell every new one I meet to let me know when they're ready to come out. Meanwhile I look around and try to find people to play with who aren't rolling in the muck and wallowing in filth. I prefer playmates who value the light and the breeze and the freedom to skip and laugh. When I am really extra happy, I notice that I jump. Yup, I actually find myself hopping along. I've noticed that lights everyone else's faces up as much as it does mine... :)

I am not going to let them win. What a waste of a perfectly good human being if they won! Seriously, who likes a story where the bad guy wins! Huh?!?

As far as space, there's tons of it around here. I dunno why they all crowd into that little filthy pen and never look up. They don't even look out between the rails! I just know that I want more people to roll in the grass with me - to climb in trees with me - to smell the flowers and stare up into the sky watching clouds or counting stars - someone who can teach me not to get wigged out by the man in the moon. ;)

So, you see, you must simply stick around because it's rather empty in the sunshine and you want to make certain there are lots of people to lay with because it makes for a better game of tag! ;-p

Some people have suggested that I need to continue working with my current therapist before finding another. That option is not open to me.

The therapist I have been seeing works at a mental health clinic. She told me she could not continue working with me because that is what her superiors have told her. I do not believe that is the entire truth, and have told her that I feel as if I am entitled to a fuller explanation. She refuses to say anything further on the subject.

At the same time I have been seeing a therapist at the clinic, I have also been seeing a psychiatrist there who prescribes some of my medications. I saw him about ten days ago and asked him if he could refer me to some other therapists. He said he would have to consult with someone else at the clinic who could probably give him a list of names of psychologists who worked with PTSD.

I also have a friend who is a nurse, and she is trying to learn if there is any funding available through Medicaid for this type of therapy. She is afraid I am going to hurt myself, and emailed me saying: "Just remember --> you promised you'd call me before doing anything drastic!!!!!!!! We'll just keep trying things until we get the right combination of providers that can meet your needs.

The only type of insurance I have is Medicare and Medicaid. Therefore, I am limited in the amount of money that I can spend on any treatment.

This coming Wednesday I am seeing my therapist for what is supposed to be the last time. I now have a negative feeling towards her, and her ability to help me. She knows that I need help dealing with the PTSD, and she has told me that it takes a long time to deal with traumas. She has also said that she has been seeing me longer than most people are seen, which is about one year. I do not believe she has the skills necessary to work with people who have PTSD. Her main job is working with people who have problems with alcohol and substance abuse.

I am not giving up on looking for help. However, for the time being I am somewhat stymied as to where I should go from here.

i'm sorry for what you've been through, and for the hurt you are experiencing now.

i am really proud of you for finding the courage to ask your t. about whether or not what you experienced was SA. she's right, it was...

i am really sorry that you are facing the end of therapy right now and that she won't be able to stay with you to help, but she should be able to give you a good referral. it's important that you continue to get professional support! it made me kind of mad to read what she said, i would be feeling abandoned (but hey, that's my issues coming up...), hopefully she has a really good reason; whether or not don't let it keep you from seeing out another counselor, and you might ask what kind of time committment they can make to you. i know my t. said it would have been unethical for him to have taken me on as a client if he didn't have a long period of time to work with me, because what i'm dealing with will take a long time, and having someone leave me that way would so play into my issues...i'm thankful for that assurance.

as for having feelings for your mother--it makes sense to me that you would love the good parts of her, the parts where she was nurturing and loving and good to you. as you said, she had two sides to her, adn i'm sure that you didn't like being abused, or dealing with her frightening or mean sides...you don't have to be sorry for loving her, or stop, and it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. it's very common to love people (esp. moms) even if they have abused you. as a little child there's no way to separate your need and dependence on her from your love for her. it doesn't mean that you wanted to be abused!

shame and embarassement are a hallmark of sexual abuse, but it is not your shame to carry. the person who should have been ashamed was your mom, for abusing your trust, and violating your body.

one thing that might help, a little, is for you to see some little kids (3 or 4) with good parents...see how little they are, how trusting, how affectionate...and then ask yourself, if what was done to you was being done to them, what would you feel for them? what would you do for them if you knew about it? what could they do to save themselves? where could they turn? how could they even know it was anything different from being told to eat the cauliflower that they can't stand but know they must do to obey...?
perhaps if you can see their vulnerability and innocence, you can give the little you a break, and see who deserves the real shame of what happened to you...

you can be helped, you are on the right track expressing yourself here and in therapy...it won't always be this hard.
em

Don't give up trying to find a new therapist...it's hard to find a good one, but keep trying!! My husband and I have been through 3 therapists together in 3 years, and now we're both seeing individual therapists too, along with a couple's therapist.

If you're current therapist doesn't seem to treat PTSD and SA, then you definitely need one that understands what you're going through.

I so would love to be in that place to enjoy the outdoors, to enjoy my small children, to enjoy life to the fullest extent...but I have just begun my healing journey in 4/07 and I have a ways to go to get there.