Someone I know has suggested that I get some spiritual counseling. I'm not too familiar with it. It sounds like it has something to do with religion. I am not anti-religion, but I feel that considering the subject I need help with, I need a counselor trained in dealing with earthly matters. Is anyone here familiar with spiritual counseling, and if so, can you tell me how it differs from regular counseling? I'd also like opinions from others on whether or not this would be a good or bad idea.

I just read your reply on spiritual counciling and that is what I am doing right now. The main focus is how to get better and letting God help you and fit into the healing process. I never used to be into religion, but I have found it to help after going to Alanon. I figured it was going to take a higher power to get me out of the mess that I am in because the people around me are not doing very much.....

I am tired of living with the constant struggle to keep going on. Memories of the past keep invading my mind day and night. I find myself growing increasingly tired of living. I find myself being attracted to the idea of death with each day that passes. Surely it cannot be any worse than what I am going through now. I am leaning toward it as a final solution to all my problems.

death is not the answer. I will pray that you find peace some other way soon.

I have been trying to forget that my brother aided my abuser to a small extent. He lives about an hour away from me, but we do not see or talk to each other very often. He says he does not remember taking part in anything. If I can remember it, why can't he? As minor as it was, I have tried to forget his role in things. But I have an inner anger and turmoil that is difficult to release. My brother has helped me in different ways throughout my life, and I have tried to forget and forgive him. But it keeps coming up and staring me in the face. I do not want to hurt him, which I think I can do in various ways, but he angers and hurts me with ease. I might be able to ignore it, but I do not think the memories will ever go away.

Jim only you can answer these questions and I am not saying your wrong to be angry with your brother; but how old was he at the time of these incidents. You said his part was minor; maybe he was a manipulated as much as you were. It may take you some time and you may come out to the same conclusion, but try to take yourself out of the memory and see if you view it the same way then. I know as a child I always hated my mom for not helping, but looking back on it she was as scared as I was and really could not.

At the time of these incidents, my brother must have been nine or 10. If I take myself out of the memories and view them from that perspective, I can see where he quite possibly might not have been responsible for his actions. I have had several talks with my sister lately, and her thinking seems to be that our brother may have also been abused. If that is the case, he has never said anything to either one of us about it. Throughout our lives, he has distanced himself from us. We do not know why, but his wife and children have done the same.

I do not hate my mother for what she did to me. That must sound strange to anyone who hears it. Everyone in our family -- including my father -- was afraid of her. We all knew that something was wrong, but could not put a name to it. A few years before she died, the doctors said she had a personality disorder. Even if she had known that, she would not have gone for help.

I have not talked about other instances of abuse, and those who committed it. I know I have to do that, but there is some type of fear holding me back. I think I am afraid that if I finally open up, more shame and guilt will flow from inside of me, and I will wind up hurting myself.

Check out my page. You are not alone. I am so sorry that happened to you.

Ask you Dr. about some meds to help with the depression/anxiety/flashbacks. I have had some success with over the counter herbs (not marijuana so please don't think I'm sending you to the corner for the drug dealer ok.) I think that you still need some therapy.

Can you perhaps get a new therapist? Especially since she appears to have an impending full schedule.

Ask about EMDR I understand that can be a relatively brief way of treating PTSD.

Btw, I know it sounds weird but I too still have to see my abuser sometimes (wouldn't touch me now, I'm not 3 years old anymore.) and I cannot tell you why but I laugh at his jokes and pretend it never happened.
So I guess some attachement is not so rare.

Don't follow through with the suicidal tendencies. If you can at all find some outward outlet for your energy that may help you. What happens with people like us is we have rage and energy that we can't get out of our bodies and if we can redirect it that can often help with the pain.

Please feel free to message me, I hope I can be of some help.

One more thing:

I have found some strength and help with my own issues with the Abuse Recovery Soul Strategies podcast on iTunes. I'm not associated with them in anyway. They address what forgiveness is and what it is not. I forgave, sometimes I have to forgive everyday. That doesn't mean I have to see them or confront them or even talk to them, for me that means I gave the matter up to God to deal with because nothing that I can do will match the gravity of what happened to me. I find journaling to be more effective than ignoring it. In your journal you can say anything you want (online or on paper.)

I use yoga (deep breathing techniques nothing too athletic.) It helps me release anger. The problem with anger is it hurts us not our tormentors.

Jim, first I want to say that you have opened up a lot and to directly answer my question had to be difficult. I did not remember the rapes that occurred when I was young until I started dating in college and then it took me a long time to piece the memories together.

I am encouraged by the fact that you can distance yourself from the experiences that shows me just how far you have come as an individual. True, I do not know all of your history and I will not ever say I am a counselor or anything or that I know best. I just have been there and know how hard that step is. With each step we take to heal ourselves, we learn more about others and ourselves. The fear of this is difficult but not impossible. Please congradulate yourself on how much you have done to heal.

I pray that someday soon you and your brother can share enough for you to be able to understand one another. Maybe he does remember, maybe he struggles with why he would have done some of those things to you; maybe he is ashamed and afraid that you will remember and hate him. I am not sure but in any case my guess give how you answered my question he probably feels as badly as you do about what he has done; for diffent reasons of course, but bad all the same. Maybe he is unable to deal with it, so it is easier for him to just avoid the issue. He may not be strong enough yet. In any case, I wish and pray for you to find peace. SA

I know the comments contrary to mine are well meant but from my personal experience as well as the therapist I no longer can afford to see; I am going to give you my take on this for whatever it may or may not be worth to you. Not meaning to offend anybody.
If your brother continues to anger and hurt you with ease, I would definitely use caution in this relationship. I have had a lifetime of abuse and plenty of my abusers are still around. The abuse may have changed form a bit, but these people are still abusive...even if it is in subtler ways than before. Don't look for your brother to "come around", and don't spend too much time trying to forgive and forget. You have every right to feel the way you do, and you feel it for good reason. Your heart and mind are trying to protect you. Listen to them. The distance between you and your brother may actually be a good thing, for you; even though it may not feel very good because that is not the ideal relationship you would want to have with him and even though you know he took part, most of you doesn't want to believe what is staring you in the face, (He DID take part).
I too have a tremendous amount of shame, severe depression, anxiety...etc...but I do not want to die. Who wants to spend eternity in only more pain?? I did do something terrible to myself which could have killed me once and I was so elated at the time. My somewhat psychotic reaction went something like this: "Hey!! If I beat them to it, what more can anybody do hurt to me??!!!"
Only later to realize this was definitely NOT the answer. Perhaps nobody could hurt me, but I could never experience any good things either. It's a slow road but don't stop trying. You are most definitely not alone!!

I guess I need to try and explain what role my brother played in my sexual abuse, as well as a little bit of what my mother did to me. Since I could not walk, my brother would carry me into my mother's room and put me into bed with her. She would not have any clothing on. As far as I can remember that was the only thing he did.

Even that seemingly small item sets off an anger and rage inside of me whenever I think about it. Surely by the age of ten or eleven he must've known that was not right.

I love my brother today. I still want to have some type of relationship with him, and believe that in some way he feels the same toward me. However, I feel that he has now begun abusing me emotionally. I don't know what, if anything, I can do to set this straight.

Up until half a year ago I had a drug problem. I have been through a lot of counseling, as well as in group classes, to help solve this problem. But for whatever reason, my brother keeps telling my sister that there is a rumor "rumor floating around" to the effect that I am using drugs. That is a lie -- I am not.

I had been scheduled to go to a family get-together at his house a few weeks ago. At the last minute, the transportation that I was supposed to have, fell apart. My brother now feels -- and is telling my sister this -- that I did not want to go to his house and that I am lying about everything.

I am at my wits' end and do not know what to do. There is no way that I am aware of to change his mind about the way he feels. He told our sister that he would like to come here and go on a picnic with me. How can I possibly go on a picnic with someone who I feel practically hates me, and is passing around false rumors against me?

That's my point exactly. I am in a lot the same situation only with more than one relative. The fact that I love them dearly does nothing to change the way they see me or the abuse that is dealt me; perhaps not everytime I see them but often enough to cause me a lot of pain none the less. In my own situation I have just about come to the conclusion that the best thing for me to do is to protect myself. I don't deserve to be abused even if it's only words now. Words hurt. Your brother sounds a lot like my sister. I think seriously that my sister needs to see me the way she does because that is the only way she can handle it. Knowing this, I will still see her but I know not to expect her to treat me right. She probably never will. This is her downfall though, not mine and I am clearly aware of it. The problem is her own insecurities not anything to do with me. I am not going to try to change her heart or mind or to educate her where she is wrong because I've been down that road too many times and it's a dead end. I can have the hope that things will change but it will have to come from her, not me. I love her but I am putting what little energy I have into things that have a possibility for good. Tired of beating my head against a wall. I don't care if you had a drug problem either. That doesn't mean that you don't deserve to be loved and supported. In my opinion that makes his behavior all the worse. People with PTSD often do have drug problems at one point or another. This is common. It's very painful to have PTSD. Anyway, I'm just sharing a bit of my own story here. Hard too for me to talk about the actual abuse. I do hope that things turn out better for you and your brother, but if they don't...just remember that you can connect with other people. Try and try with your brother but if you reach a point where you know it is futile; that he will continue his abusive behavior and attitudes towards you -- then back up a little and do what you need to protect yourself. Don't let him to continue to push your buttons just because he can. I just hate to see someone go through the same thing I have been through. I wish I had come to this realization long before now. Sometimes things just are what they are. Regardless of how things go with your brother though; I wish you the best overall on your journey dealing with PTSD.

Hi I wish both of you luck in your endeavors with your families. I feel for both of you and you struggles.

SA

Thank you Starr!!