Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
I've been a member of this community for a few weeks, but I've never said anything until now. I don't know where to begin, or where to start, so I will just ramble on a bit. If nothing I say makes any sense, or if I haven't said enough, please let me know.
Within the past month I've been diagnosed with having PTSD. I think I've known it for several years but have successfully avoided dealing with it. I cannot continue doing that.
At the age of about three or four, I began being sexually abused by a family member. I was too young to do anything about it, or to really understand what was happening. As I grew older I got the feeling that something was wrong, however, I was still unable to get away because I had a physical disability.
The abuse continued throughout most of my life although not on a daily basis. The older I became, the less it happened.
For almost a year I've been seeing a therapist on a weekly basis for severe depression, anxiety, physical and emotional abuse, and a slew of other things. I have succeeded in keeping the sexual abuse pretty much to myself until the past month or so. Because I had some doubts about whether or not I was really receiving abuse, I asked my therapist what constituted sexual abuse. I then gave her a hypothetical situation, and asked her if that was abuse, and she said yes.
Although I realize what was done to me was not right, I still have feelings of love toward my abuser, who is no longer living. At the same time, I have strong feelings of guilt about what occurred. I've been told that it was not my fault, but it's hard for me to believe that. When I think of it, which is quite frequently, I am filled with an enormous amount of shame and embarrassment.
My therapy is about to end soon -- in two to three months -- and I am told by my therapist that she will not have enough time to help me deal with this trauma. I have been through periods of severe depression with suicidal tendencies. I am afraid of what will happen to me once my therapy ends.
So that's what brings me here today. I don't know if I can be helped, but that's part of why I came here in the first place.
Within the past month I've been diagnosed with having PTSD. I think I've known it for several years but have successfully avoided dealing with it. I cannot continue doing that.
At the age of about three or four, I began being sexually abused by a family member. I was too young to do anything about it, or to really understand what was happening. As I grew older I got the feeling that something was wrong, however, I was still unable to get away because I had a physical disability.
The abuse continued throughout most of my life although not on a daily basis. The older I became, the less it happened.
For almost a year I've been seeing a therapist on a weekly basis for severe depression, anxiety, physical and emotional abuse, and a slew of other things. I have succeeded in keeping the sexual abuse pretty much to myself until the past month or so. Because I had some doubts about whether or not I was really receiving abuse, I asked my therapist what constituted sexual abuse. I then gave her a hypothetical situation, and asked her if that was abuse, and she said yes.
Although I realize what was done to me was not right, I still have feelings of love toward my abuser, who is no longer living. At the same time, I have strong feelings of guilt about what occurred. I've been told that it was not my fault, but it's hard for me to believe that. When I think of it, which is quite frequently, I am filled with an enormous amount of shame and embarrassment.
My therapy is about to end soon -- in two to three months -- and I am told by my therapist that she will not have enough time to help me deal with this trauma. I have been through periods of severe depression with suicidal tendencies. I am afraid of what will happen to me once my therapy ends.
So that's what brings me here today. I don't know if I can be helped, but that's part of why I came here in the first place.
Growing up I was always told"If you wouldn't of said this Or done that,it wouldnt of happened"and that was said by my mother.My father was the one that inflicted the physical,emotional and pshycilogical all my life.He died in 1999 but my mother is still living and denies all of it(of course)even when my siblings told her it did.I am now 42yrs old.
I have been in therapy since 2001 and have made some progress in my recovery,I finally came to the conclussion that I didnt get this way over night and it will take quite awhile to heal.
This site has helped me so much,making new friends that are dealing with similar issues with comforting words and words of encouragement.Welcome and if you need to talk I'm here.Take Care and God Bless.
Pre-verbal abuse or neglect is always difficult to deal with because we didn't know the names for what was happening to us or the names of the emotions that we were feeling at the time. I too would be afraid of what would happen if my therapist went away. Actually I do have some idea because I have transitioned to a different therapist than I had at the beginning. It is important to continue therapy. It may take some time to build the therapeutic relationship that you had but that's ok. It will come. Ask your therapist who they would recommend and then schedule an appointment where the three of you get together and discuss your fears and your greif in losing a trusted relationship. It will make the transition much easier. I wish you well and hope we will be hearing from you. Keep us updated.
Our past historys are very similar and if you would like to chat, I am almost always online. Welcome to the group.
Meria
So here I am seated within a forum about to tell a group of unknown people some of the secrets of my life. I dont know whether this is right or wrong. I guess that only time will tell.
I spent a large part of the day asking myself how I could celebrate Mothers Day when my mother was my abuser. This has been a sad day for me. While I loved my mother very much, there was a side of her which I disliked equally as much. She could be sweet and loving one minute and turn into the meanest woman alive the next.
Throughout most of my life I knew she had some problems, but I didnt know to what extent. Our mother had a drinking problem and to this very day my sister refers to her as an alcoholic. I cannot stand that term. Or maybe I just dont like it being applied to my mother.
Mother seemed to have had few, if any, sexual inhibitions. When she drank heavily, she tended to walk around the house wearing little, if any, clothing. It was ironic that I was more upset by seeing my mother in a drunken state, than being naked. Im sure my sister wouldve felt just the opposite.
Shortly before my mothers death in 1994, she was diagnosed as having a personality disorder. Her doctors said she liked to stir up the pot and create tensions among one or more people.
(While this is only the beginning of my story, I need to take a break at this point. I believe that I am beginning to have some physical problems which are related to getting some of this out of my system. I realize this is a healing process, but Im going to have to take it one small step at a time.)
Maggie
Fill your journal with your pain, hurt, anger and whatever else you feel. Bring things to share to the forums. Ups, downs, questions, request for support or friendship.
We curse in our journals, but usually not in the forum.
All of us have heard some pretty bad stories. These have ranged from sodomy, rape, forced felaciation, torture, verbal, emotional, military, childhood, adulthood, recent divorces and street battles. Some of us may not be able to read it without becoming upset ourselves. We forgive them their absences as they forgive us our need to vent.
I am not one who shrinks from the most obscene of horrors. I have my personal faith in God that carries me and my history that reminds me of my falability. I have not abused someone myself, for that I am grateful.
And I should have mentioned that I was also abused by some men, which makes everything seamier.
I sometimes wonder if I will ever have some kind of "normal" or decent life. If not, what's the use of struggling to keep on living?
We all react differently to pain our parents inflicted, my bro n I have had completely different reactions and feelings about the whole situation.
And if you can never talk about all of it to anyone, that's ok, go as far as you feel comfy with, and every time it gets easier. I still don't tell most people much, and only 1 or 2 people get the worst pieces of it. Hopefully someday there will be someone who will earn your trust enough to share that pain for you