Sometimes ya gots to prioritize your caring energies, yadim. The packing needs to be done. The need to focus your attention on other tasks does not mean you care less. It only means other tasks need your attention. Trust hubby to get through it in his own way.

My beloved husband gets whiney and petty with stress, too. The stress load adds to the build-up of daily dysfuctions and result in nasty gnarlies like gall bladder attacks, etc. Sigh. What's a lover to do? Letting him stew in it while I do what needs to be done is the only way I have found to deal with it. So far we have been able to get back to liking each other after the dust settles. It is not about being perfect. It is about working it out.

Hang in there, yadim. Small steps and deep breaths.

Arfie is so wise... I'd bet letting the 300 lbs of preventable problems drive me mad, too.

I just hope he's not on disability when he could be working and my taxes are paying for his poor choice of lifestyle.

I hope you don't mind me saying this, but he just sounds like a bunch of dead weight- pun intended.

Maybe a Come to Jesus talk is in order... Sounds like the move is a good reason to draw that line in the sand- get a new menial job to at least help out, or don't bother moving with me???

So he fears change and gets somatic symptoms? I get that.

As someone who has lost 100 pounds, one does not just lose that much weight...not just. It's sort of the dietetic equivalent of hiking the Appalachian trail.
And then keeping it off is difficult too. You can never, ever, eat the way you used to, or in my case the way the people around me eat.

So I'm not saying he can't. In fact he really should. I'm just saying it will be very hard. He keeps getting infections, too, so I imagine lap- band surgery, even, would be dangerous.

I hope y'all are moving to somewhere he can bicycle or swim...those would be the two best exercises for him to be doing. Running, walking, weightlifting, and any hard- impact exercise is likely to cause injury at his size.

As someone who moved so much he went to 13 schools in K-12 in 4 states and then in 3 countries, I can only say arfie's right. When packing needs to be done, it needs to be done. It's a matter of a roof over one's head, you know? Time's expiring on this lodging, and lodging's at another place, and things must get from point A to point B.

I did my last move very sick with kidney disease. I packed a truck with the help of 2 guys. Then I drove it 1,500 miles, got where I needed to get to, climbed down from the truck's cab, and collapsed and was taken to the hospital. So I really, really empathize with how stressful this is for you. The thought of my moving again scares the heck out of me. But if it must be done, it must be done.

That said, I did move to take a lesser job than the one I'd had before. I was laid off due to down sizing after the 2008 recession. So I get what you're saying about wanting your hubby to apply to lesser jobs rather than be unemployed. I've been underemployed for 3 years now, but I've been employed full time. Tomorrow I interview for a higher level job to see if I can get back my seniority, but we'll see.

Nonetheless, I'd say the employment conversation is a conversation for another day. Same with losing that much weight--it won't happen this week, even though it's a good idea. Right now it's packing and moving, and that's enough for anybody to have on their plate. Sorry your hubby's sick in the midst of it. But you've got those friends coming to help you pack. Time's of the essence, so you just have to let hubby rest and go out and oversee the volunteer packing crew.

As for whether you're a cold or warm person and other questions of your character, I've known you here for a good while now, and I can say you're compassionate and caring. But nobody's Gandhi or Mother Teresa during a move. There's a reason why neither of them chose to have any possessions. It's hard to be a saint even if you just have a few things and you've got to move them. I'd say it's even impossible, so be gentle to yourself. You're good people.

No suggestions beyond sympathy for the situation....

Lifestyles can't really change till "mind-styles" do, if that makes sense---so get done what you need to do, and let him know you don't want him to be ill, but you can't stay where you are..... and he can help and see this as a new start even if it's scary, or not, as he chooses.

YOu're not cold, Yadim, by any tehrmometer. You're trying to get a lot done alone, and when I was in that situation, the exhaustion was just emotion-numbing. Big big difference from true "coldness".

Gentlest hugs and gentlest hugs and gentlest hugs.:-)

PS I have fought so hard to be even 70 percent of my old functional physically that I cannot imagine *choosing* to be otherwise---but I know how much i fear the pain of new exercises for my recovery, etc., so... my hubby would probably have a few stories to share with you about having to pep-talk me into doing the necessary!

You're not cold. You're frustrated!

You're left to handle everything because of a choice he made. That'd piss me off pretty good too!

And you found a solution - having people come to help with the move - because he chooses not to do what he needs to do to help you himself - and he's even complaining about that.

It's wonderful that he loves you unconditionally and I can see you're grateful for that. And I can tell you do a good job taking care of him. You're just frustrated because you need help and he's not willing to do what he needs to do to help you and he doesn't want others to help either.

Try not to be too hard on yourself. You're handling a lot right now.

Thank you all for understanding. I am frustrated. I want him to be healthy in ways that I can't.

Well, got to run. Hubby is driving me to the VA. That is one less thing I have to worry about.

love and hugs

yadlim

Two cents ... short and sweet:

Yadlim: you come across as a dear, sweet, sensitive, kind, and caring soul -- like so many here.

You're entitled to be stressed in a stressful situation ... which this IS ... and ... who knows what black mold has done to EITHER of you.

Yikes !!

As to us .... onlookers ??

Be careful, deliberate, and thoughtful, ..... please ??

Nobody likes to whine about their spouse ... to a trusted friend ... even just once ... and have the friend say "dump the loser."

Relationships are complicated. We're complicated. Our relationships are complicated.

Maybe the black and white stuff ... isn't as helpful as it is well-intended.

Moving is a universal misery, Yadlim. I wish you all the best on getting through it, and your husband getting back to health -- in small and big ways ;-)

My two cents.

My unprofessional guess is that when you husband became ill he also became depressed. Depression has a way of stealing your life away from you. It might be wise to look into professional help for both of you and or meds for your hubby if he is depressed.

Hey all - it has been a long tiring day. You are quite right, getting just flashes of our relationship does not give enough information for anyone to understand what is going on.

Yes, hubby is depressed. He is also diagnosed with PTSD. Twice in a year he was fired for being overly friendly. Yes, though they found other ways to put it, the reason was that he is gregarious and loves to laugh and make people around him laugh. Being just over six and a half feet tall, he can intimidate people by being to friendly. So he is horribly gun shy of working for someone who is going to criticize him just for loving life. If I had a way to get him to therapy, I would, in a second. His weight is a physical symptom of his depression and low self-esteem.

But he is ALWAYS there for me. He got himself up and spent all day driving/ doing the VA hospital cardio day with a 102 degree fever. He was out of work on purpose for a year to help me through my cancer. But in the IT world, it put him out of date and he has been fighting for scrap jobs ever since.

Lilly, I think you are so right, because it is only when I have to get so much done that I feel that I am being cold... I have to save my energy.

I know it was not said to hurt... but hubby is never dead weight. Even sick he still makes all the meals and looks to my health first. That packing is too hard emotionally on him right now just is. His problem with others coming over is that when he is not feeling secure, there is nothing like haveing strangers rummaging through ones stuff to set anyone off.

Love and hugs to all

yadlim and critters

It sounds like you have an incredible amount of compassion for him and he for you. And you're still allowed to be frustrated even if you all have a wonderful relationship. : ) But it does sound like you've arrived at a better place.

Y,

Thanks for sharing how you and your husband both have stood by each other! It's heartwarming. I wasn't so lucky--when I got kidney disease in 2010 my fiancee broke up with me saying she didn't believe in for better of for worse after all. Good to know then before getting married, to be sure. But ouch anyway. I'm so glad to hear love stories like yours. Glad the day worked out better, and hope he gets better and that fever comes down.

Muji

Hubby and I are a great team, we are just a bit broken right now. I really do think that once we can get out of this house and get a fresh start, things will be a lot better.

I am in a better place. I just curled up next to him until he fell asleep. He really is not well enough to be out of bed, let alone being out of the house for five hours.

I just, I get frustrated. Thank you all for listening. I am in a better place. I was scared this morning. Scared to try to drive to Seattle by myself. Scared to leave him home sick alone. Scared to face the doctors without him.

Love and hugs!!!

Yadlim (avatar is actually of my daughter riding her horse in front of mine last summer...)

It is really frustrating with both of you sick.

Yeah,the IT field moves so fast.