Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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To those who have read my posts, I thank you for your responses and support in this critical time.
Today was a very emotionally-charged day with my therapist. We hit a major note on something.
Hidden feelings. Something unexpectedly happened. My mother and I have a very difficult relationship, ever since the court charges and PTSD.
As we talked, I mentioned to her on how my mother's care for me in certain areas are known and well-appreciated, but when it comes to my choices and decisions I make for myself ( at home), it is not shown. She has a way to show care when I am not home but when I am, it is a total disconnect.
Main point: I feel that underneath her care, I fear that she is ashamed of me and the lack of "loyalty" to the family I've shown in her eyes. I feel that as much as she does care for me b/c I am her daughter, I don't think I can accept her point of view because it's not true; it's the lack of owning her lack of responsibilities/actions/inactions that bothers me.
It brought such emotionally charged feelings of pain and shame and disappointment for me. She sees things as an act of betrayal; I see it as an act of love.
Time has become so slow. I am reeling from this, physically. I've wondered, how is possible I am still here? It's like if I am waiting for something else to happen, the next corner. This has been and is one of the strongest and most-dwelling feelings that have become prominent.
It's like I want to get this part of my life done and over with. Pronto.
Excuse me for those who can't read the whole thing.It's lengthy.
Psalm 38
Today was a very emotionally-charged day with my therapist. We hit a major note on something.
Hidden feelings. Something unexpectedly happened. My mother and I have a very difficult relationship, ever since the court charges and PTSD.
As we talked, I mentioned to her on how my mother's care for me in certain areas are known and well-appreciated, but when it comes to my choices and decisions I make for myself ( at home), it is not shown. She has a way to show care when I am not home but when I am, it is a total disconnect.
Main point: I feel that underneath her care, I fear that she is ashamed of me and the lack of "loyalty" to the family I've shown in her eyes. I feel that as much as she does care for me b/c I am her daughter, I don't think I can accept her point of view because it's not true; it's the lack of owning her lack of responsibilities/actions/inactions that bothers me.
It brought such emotionally charged feelings of pain and shame and disappointment for me. She sees things as an act of betrayal; I see it as an act of love.
Time has become so slow. I am reeling from this, physically. I've wondered, how is possible I am still here? It's like if I am waiting for something else to happen, the next corner. This has been and is one of the strongest and most-dwelling feelings that have become prominent.
It's like I want to get this part of my life done and over with. Pronto.
Excuse me for those who can't read the whole thing.It's lengthy.
Psalm 38
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I did the dumbest thing today. I charged my earbuds, unplugged the block and put the block in my little bag instead of the earbuds. I wasn't happy about that when I got to the gym. What a dummy!
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Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
Hugs.
This mixture of positive and negative feelings your mom has about you, I used to feel that too from my mom.
I thought of it as ambivalence, and didn't realize until after many years and lots of therapy that in many I really did make her uncomfortable. It was easier for her to be nice to me when we just talked on the phone.
Basically I was not the kid she wanted. She was resentful of my independent spirit and bravery to pursue my dreams and she never forgave me for it. She resented me her entire life.
At some point I quit expecting ANYTHING from her. That helped, but it didn't completely fix things because we are sort of programed to want to love and be loved by our moms. I looked to other people's moms to learn what a normal mom was.
Sometime a parent is just so locked up inside their own problems that they cannot experience a consistently positive bond with their own kids. They resent anything that challenges their own small world. We, the kids, take it personal, but it is them and it is out of our power to 'fix' them.
Maybe it will be easier on you when you accept that your mom is limited, and sort of warped, and that you are brave and determined and have your whole life ahead of you. What she feels about you is not the real you, and you are not like your mom.
Hugs to you KatB. You deserve better and you can find it out there in the world.
My mom had a similar background. Her mom died at a young age. She had someone who was like her mom. Idk if this contributes to the response.
Arfie, thanks.
Letitbe, your post brings some comfort to me. It brings consolation that I am not exactly alone in this thinking. Our parents resemble one another in more ways than expected. You said more than enough...