It's very hard to be hurt by your dad. My dad hit me twice. He often did other hurtful things. But, I realized he was fragile himself and mentally and physically ill. He mellowed with age and I forgave him and had some nice times with him. But, he was a complex, sometimes violent man.

For my just-a-patient nickel, getting any part of ^it^ into words is quite allot, all by itself. In my personal recovery, I like small bytes and long chews. Getting those parts of ^it^ into words is a manageable byte. The "long chew" is where I simply sit with that small byte and see where it takes me. When I am ready for the next step, what that step should be is obvious to me.

Continued support while you find what works for you, Ciar. Healing is a unique journey for each of us.

Can you talk to a school counselor or the school psychologist to get some support through this difficult time?

Ciar, your description of your current state is very familiar to me. I found myself in the same condition after my dad attacked me, too. Missing him while being scared of him was the confused state I felt. It not only made me not trust others, it made me not trust my own feelings as well, since they were so mixed like that.

In my case my dad was not himself when he went into violent rages, he was not there at all, they were raging blackouts. Later he didn't even remember what he'd done.

So that helped me forgive him but also take measures for my own safety, since he couldn't control himself or even see it, and I could see it so clearly. I was sad, but I had be the healthier one between us and, in my case, I had to distance myself to get out of his reach so I wouldn't be hurt again.

Please know that you're not the only person who has had confused feelings in a situation like this. Support to you as you figure out what you need to do to feel safe again. You deserve it.

I read through your past posts.

Seems to me that it's particularly hard because it happened without you knowing.

If that was me, that would mess with my head...hard.

I'm not on here because of sexual abuse, but what I went through couldn't "be seen" either. Made me doubt myself. Made me suicidal. Made me feel bad for being suicidal, suicidal for feeling bad.

Because it "couldn't be seen"...it made it hard to see as "real". Left me feeling just like you're describing...that if I just "disappeared" it would all go away.

I don't have a "before" to remember, but I do know that I looked at other families and yearned for what I saw.

Even yearned to be hit...so I'd have bruises to show someone. More than that though, a bruise is something to "point" to, something "finite", something "limited". I know physical abuse is psychological too...but the brain isn't always logical.

Anyway, you're not crazy. I'd be scoping out the bathroom everyday too.

I read that you were getting therapy once a month? I think that you need it more than that. I KNOW (like deep down in my soul I know) that it's hard to find a voice. But you need to speak up and tell them that you need therapy more often. If you have no where else to turn, write the judge handling the case a letter stating just that. He himself may not be able to do much, but it's possible that he can make things happen in the system.

Heartfelt hugs, Patti

PS And I just want you to know that:

You're not alone
You're not alone
You're not alone
You're not alone
You're not alone
You're not alone
YOu're not alone
You're not alone
YOu're not alone
You're not alone
You're not alone
You're not alone

.....Patti