This is a hard topic for me to deal with. In the "physical" I'm notorious in standing up to bullies and stepping in the defend the weak and innocent. Here in cyberspace that's impossible and I often feel totally lost when I see this happen. Sure I can and have defended people, yet sometimes that's a disservice to some since they need to learn to stand up for themselves (regaining their power back). So now I often find myself doing "damage control", talking with those who were hurt and helping them to keep moving forward and disregard the lies and those painful words that they've been told. There was a real troll in the sexual abuse forums that did this. He was banned but managed to come back twice more but now seems gone for good. He really deterred a few especially the younger ones. Now I often just sit back and watch, but I'll talk with those who were attacked to help set the record straight. This is all I've been able to come with and hope this helps, Blaine

"...defending the weak and innocent" in live support groups is how I came to recognize ALLOT of my own, personal control issues. It was among the more painful of my own therapy phases, but I believe it was worth the pain. I was a serious control freak. Now I am a recovering control freak. Only recovering. My Super Controller is still able to go off with the smallest spark.

Yes, Blaine, the dialogue helps. Sorting the apples from the onions is seriously tough here in cyber space. The dynamics are so-o-o different from the live groups I have done most of my therapy with. I have worked computers since 1973, but on-line support groups are a brave, new frontier for me.

After my initial maternal (?) reaction of wanting to protect a picked on person, I too get confused about the healthiness of a group.

In the cyber world we are all stuck with the reduced comprehensive input. The anonymity assists some folks in coming forward and seeking help, it gives isolated people the means to have a voice and reconnect; but occasionally it emboldens someone to pick on more vulnerable others.

You wrote about being concerned about excessively controlling members, but it seems there needs to be some sort of damage control when a fracas occurs to restore an environment of caring and mutual respect.

I think we both witnessed somewhat this desire to preserve the group in the multiple responses given to the "Support group" question I posted yesterday. We remind ourselves of the need to be kind and to show support for others.

My paranoia thinks that thread identified the group vigilantes and gossips. Both frighten me...

fighting my flight reflex, big time.

strictly personal.

What a great question! I sort of use the online experience to practice real life. Although it can feel just as scary - you should be safer.

I would remind myself of that frequently. Although I FEEL scared, I am safe now.

I feel violated by what happened. I am less trusting of newcomers and people I don't know. I will wait for perspective.

perspective is such a tentative concept.

where you see vigilantes and gossips in that thread, i see an overwhelming majority of our members who have been bullied and attacked and vilified by a single member standing up and saying loudly `NO MORE!!!'

i say kudos for the victims for speaking out.

Nice to see you, Mojo :-)

thank you david, and likewise.

"Violated" is a good word for it, Milla. Thank you. I, too, await perspective of my own personal understanding.

"Beware that when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster." ~Frederich Nietszche

i guess the difference is that the vigilante goes off to fight the monster (and you're right...often becomes the monster in the process), whereas with the victim, the monster comes to them, unwanted, un-looked for, uninvited.

for me, if it's fight it or turtle, i'm going to stand my ground. i have been pushed around enough in life and it sure as hell isn't going to happen in a supposedly `safe place', or any place for that matter.

Sorry again, Mojo.

nah, no sorry's arfie.

i've read a lot of your posts, and i have great respect for what you've been through and where you are today. it makes me truly sad what you endured in your earlier life, but i admire you're survivor spirit.

even if we might disagree on the odd topic, it doesn't mean i don't respect your views and respect you.

The thing itself was horrible and taken care of. My reactions now, that I fear more, those I have to get into perspective.

Hey, Mojo

Arfie, I came onto this thread JUST because you used the word, "fracas." Then, you go and use the word amok. Are you trying to get on my good side? : D

I think the cyber world is like alcohol sometimes. Put a little into a person, and it makes them "more" of who they are, for the better or worse.

I like your remedy- dry out for a bit.