I really hate it when people focus on forgiving the abuser as if it's some kind of first step. In my mind it's possibly the last step, and optional. I feel your focus should be on you, not him.

Thank you! Every time my therapists, and pastors would tell me this is the first step to healing. I would say "you're kidding around, right? how's that going to help, when I'm still messed up beyond belief?" I moved out of state because I couldn't handle running into him at fairs. I was a hermit, that never came out of the house except for work. I was even afraid to sit on my back porch. Now that there's three states separating us, I can actually breathe and go out into public again. I feel like I'm starting to see little traces of light again and it feels amazing!

I'm happy for you!

You might find this article interesting:

https://theestablishment.co/when-forgiveness-isnt-a-virtue-d63bcce22c91

Big hug for you Marie...... Forgiveness is a really hard thing to do.... It wouldn't be such a big deal if it weren't

Forgiveness sets you free sweetie.... You do this for your healing not for your abuser....

If you're able to forgive someone that person no longer has a hold over you.... They can no longer upset you the same way as you've let them go.... So it's something that you do to help you to heal

I have found that I go back and forth with it.... I'll feel as though I've forgiven a person and I'm glad that I've been able to and then later on the anger/angst/upset can come back.....

So I think I'm a work in progress.... Gentle hug on your journey.......xo

Forgiveness for me is about forgiving them their actions, since I'll never understand them... (And hope I never do)... but I don't *forget*. Forgiveness helps me cry about my pain and acknowledge it, so that's part of my process/journey. Blessings to you. It's a tough nut to crack.

What does forgiveness even mean when it comes to rape or abuse? It's not like they broke your vase. I'm in the same boat. My entire life has been insane due to abusive family. The only thing that has helped me is me. I've heard it said that forgiveness doesn't mean trust. And then it doesn't mean forgetting. Well, it seems it means "get over it." Sorta like, "I'll pray for you" it's like... The quick and lazy person's cookie cutter response. Maybe the only way to heal is just through a determined kind of self love and self protection. Idk...

TBH I've always thought forgiveness is misunderstood and overrated, especially in a religious context. Don't hurt yourself hating someone but a lot of people don't really deserve forgiveness and will take advantage of you if you do forgive them. It's best to not return to toxic situations.

I believe I have achieved forgiveness when I can be reminded of the incident/perpetrator without falling into psychotic paralysis from fear, rage, flashbacks, etc. An asshole remains an asshole, whether I am living my own life fully, or knot. Losing the extreme reactions to bygone trauma is liberating beyond words or dogma.

Am I in danger of reaching the next Karmic level if I can include the assholes in my "Healing hopes for all. No exceptions."?

The whole idea that I was supposed to "forgive" left me in knots, tangled tighter and tighter. I didn't even begin to get past issues until I let the whole concept go. I'm glad if it helped other people, but it sure didn't help me.

I don't think sadists deserve forgiveness. I have been at the hands of a man that enjoyed hurting me. And I don't forgive him. And I don't care. I hope he gets hit by a truck. Lol!! And all the abusers in my life who eventually came begging for a piece of me again can sit and spin. If that makes me healed or heartless in some ppl's eyes, again I don't care. What I want is to find someone... One person like me.

I've heard, seen, expierenced to many instances of how powerful forgiveness is in the healing process to discount it. I personally believe it is up to me to do everything I feel I need to do to be well. So that's what I do. Little by little and one day at time.

I care about forgiving myself first, because I blame myself for having let myself be in a position to be sexually assaulted in the first place. My family blamed me the same way, too. So that's been job one.

As far as forgiving that pedophile, when people stuck their nose in my business and wanted me to be play the role of some saint to make them feel better about the whole subject of rape by saying I forgave him, I'd lower the forgiveness bar. I'd say, "well, he's alive still, isn't he?" In other words, I didn't go after him, so I'm not wasting time on him in my actions.

Then I found out he got caught and jailed for more pedophile acts, and in prison another inmate stabbed and killed him. Karma, I guess.

I will admit that though I'm not sorry he's dead, to be avenged didn't heal me, though. Healing is a whole other separate endeavor.

Don't worry about it. It's nobody's business. You take good care of yourself and your healing.

i want to copy Muji's last line - right above what i'm typing - it's nobodys' business. you take good care of yourself and your healing.

it is upsetting to hear that you are being TOLD to FIRST forgive - what??? really??

maybe it will be best for you to see a therapist who is not connected to your church. i am in no way anti church, but this is about you and my heart says, your counseling should be on your side, comforting to you.

you should at no point be made to feel less than for not being this astonishing creature who is able to reach out of your very fresh pain, and PTSD, excuse the everything out of us please, and instantly FIRST forgive. absolutely not.

you need comfort and care and kindness and understanding. YOU NEED. you do.

totally wrapping you all up in love and acceptance. you are who this is about.

the poor, uninformed, or misinformed, well meaning people - they do not have what a trauma trained specialist will have that you need. you can find one thru the - is it? www.RAINN.org ?

i think that is it. you can go there and find free counseling. from someone who knows about TW rape.

Right on, Lily! Marie, anyone pushing you to forgive doesn't know how it feels. You got a ways to go towards your healing before you should even have to think about trying to forgive your RAPIST!?! That is, if you even want to forgive. Like Muji said, we shouldn't have to play saint. We've been through enough already.

Thank you everyone. This exactly why I like bringing, I hate to say this but, what I should do to heal, here. Everyone here understands about healing differently and pass no judgment. Instead we advise the best we can and try to lift each other up during the bad and good times. This topic has been weighing on me for awhile. Thank you for your support!! You all have really made me feel better about this!!