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Forgive and Forget

arfie
arfie
"Forgive and Forget" was my mother's favorite mantra for the entire 16 years I knew her. I speculate that it is the very mechanism of my "Trauma Induced Amnesia." I forgot with extreme efficiency.

Forgive? Who needs to forgive what you can forget? In my own strictly personals, true forgiveness begs the warmth of remembrance. The peace and serenity of forgiving are sublime. It is not an invitation to use me as a public toilet once more. It is allowing healing strength to cover beleaguered wounds. The relief is beyond measure.

Whether or not the offending party is to have a renewed place in my life is a different discussion, altogether. Often, forgiveness still points to an "Exit" sign. Incompatibility happens. No need for blame, etc. Ammonia and bleach simply do not belong in the same bottle.

Just me. Just a patient.

And you?

Open discussion here. No such thing as "Off-Topic" on this one. Ranting allowed.
Community Leadermujicaptsd
mujicaptsd
I like your question, arfie, "Forgive? Who needs to forgive what you can forget?" Exactly. As to forgiveness, bearing down on the matter in therapy about childhood trauma, I find the one who needs to be forgiven the most is me. Therapy brought me over and over to say "how could I have been so dumb as to trust so and so?" Well, I was a kid. They were my family. They were supposed to be trustworthy. It was not my fault. I just got the Bradshaw book I heard about here on the inner child so I could do some more healing in that area.
arfie
arfie
Indeed, muji, indeed.

Guilt is, without even a close second, a dominant and therapy resistant symptom in my own PTSD freight train. Forgiving the janes and johns of my kiddie whorehouse experience is a walk in the park compared to forgiving myself for the conditioning I carried away from all that nurturing compassion and cultural unity.

Prayers (by whatever name) in progress. Healing hopes for all. No exceptions.

Hope your new book helps. Looking forward to the reviews.
silverstars
silverstars
for certain individuals in my life,for me,forgiveness is this utterly baffling concept..a chalkboard i am too far away from to clearly see,i am squinting so hard i am tearing up..the sun is in my eyes...

it is a blazing hot element on the stove i feel like i MUST touch...until it cools..

and,because i just cannot bring myself to,THAT makes me feel guilty..
patti22
patti22
My mom liked to say it too.

I'm sure that it can be a very positive thing, but I also think that it was very very very Passive-Aggressive with my mom. (While at the same time, she NEVER forgot wrongs that she felt were done to her.)

Sorry, nothing to do with you, but this is too triggering for me.
lilacashley
lilacashley
I would rather just forget than forgive but I can't. There are two specific 'types' of forgiveness I think. Most people only do one, I don't think that's a bad thing always. Sometimes the second type of forgiveness isn't deserved. Or maybe that is only for the forgiver to decide.

Anyway type 1
to stop feeling anger toward (someone who has done something wrong)

Type 2
to stop blaming (someone)

If someone is at fault for something, how can you ever stop blaming them?

This is all a bit confused.
cheesecake88
cheesecake88
For me after thinking on this.."guilt"...is so ingrained in my brain, that breathing brings it on...the slightest so -called infraction of existence...being alive....can produce guilt....and if that is what a tiny child carries with them from their earliest beginings with adults who were the only source of care, how can that be un-done?? I don't have the answer...I only know that all the medals, awards, and praise that can be heaped on do not reach the empty places in my soul....when you wonder why you were born at all...I am in a dark place where forgive and forget don't even belong together or I am unable to process them at all.Prayers and Healing to us all!
LillyPotter
LillyPotter
i'm not doing well with this one today. this one is painful today. I have done a lot of work in this area and every time I get to the root of the matter I find the one who I need to forgive is myself, the one I need to relearn to trust is myself. I am terrified, or I have been, to trust my own judgement.

I've had many years to contemplate this; not thinking about forgiving abusers here, only follow the tangles back to me more often than not.
dylanmurphy
dylanmurphy
My two cents, I saw forgiveness as a gift for me. It was not my fault, I did not ask for it. So forgiveness is allowing me to let it go as a burden for me. Forget, no. I can't do that. Think Christian doctrine is flawed in this concept.
arfie
arfie
Bible scholar I ain't, but I have had several accredited Bible scholars assure me that the Bible is not big on forgetting. I have been assured that "Forgive and Forget" is not a Christian teaching, however many Christians subscribe to it. HBO is not a Christian teaching, either, however many Christians subscribe to it. Forgive, yes. Forget? Isn't their favorite book well over 2,000 years old?

But. . . Repeat: religious scholar I ain't. Not even too churchey. Not too big on social clubs of any persuasion.

For certain, there was nothing Christian in the way my mother taught it. She was just covering her tracks.
LeoX3
LeoX3
Work in progtress here, so adding support, as I can.:-)
wep
wep
I wish some people I know can forget and forgive, life would be much better them.
arfie
arfie
A look at how human history (herstory, too) keeps repeating itself bears testimony of how easy it is to forget.

If forgiveness was easy, everybody would do it.
Tusitalo
Tusitalo
Was never able to do it. What they put me through and how they have reacted when confronted recently brings me to feel like I am going to throw up from rage.
Trying to not accept that emotion only makes it stronger and makes me feel even more powerless. If I just accept that I have the appropriate amount of rage for the "occasion"...I seem to function not happier but better or at least function.

What seems to calm me down it the acceptance that evil exists in this world and it targets and has targeted many of us at an individual and collective level. Those who inflict evil acts are always in a position of power to do so. Many of us go un-vindicated and never see justice. Its has happen to millions.
WHY is injustice so prevalent and there is no justice in most cases??
Trillion dollar question.

Good for you that you can. :)
KAdunn
KAdunn
forgiving doesn't mean forgetting. Perhaps she never realized that. True forgiveness is a process and it takes time and only when you're ready.
arfie
arfie
Simple acceptance is my own first step toward forgiveness. In the cases where forgiveness still points to an exit sign, it is the only step I need. It is there, whether I like it or not. I can keep it on my caution radar without letting it pollute my entire life and being.

It is good to see you back, Tusi. I have been wondering about you.
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