I guess it depends on what you are committing to? The things that have given me the most fear at times are made of these.
Forcing solutions? not a real solution, since the equality is lost for the many and the only one temporarily satisfied is the enforcer.
It's a matter of choosing the battles and salving the pains.

Take the time you need and safe travels.
J.

Attachment. Just my opinion, and my word for it, but it's that feeling when you open your inbox and 8 notices are there that people responded to what you wrote with support. It's that feeling that makes adults play peek-a-boo with babies. And gets babies to stop crying to play peek-a-boo with us. It's the slow, but easy way of potty training where the kid follows you in and wants to do what you're doing.

Loooong story but I tried behavioral charts when my son was in kindergarten. They "worked" (Super Nanny style type stuff) but....the cost was high.

It took our relationship from Attached...to Manipulated. (Our situation was extreme, I'm still unsure if the benefits were worth the cost.)

My ex BIL quit heroin. He did treatment...twice...but he didn't quit because of manipulation...he quit when HE wanted to. (It's more complicated than that...always is.)

In any case, I'm DONE with Manipulated Relationships. I won't have them with my kids. (One of the reasons that I have almost no rules with my kids is because of a Behavioral Chart I did with my son. It got "results" but was poisoning the relationship. My kids have Never had a curfew, yet...they consistently ask/tell me when they'll be out late. Okay, I did say that if they're out past 1am, that they should let each other/me know... but there's no "punishment" to failing to do so.)

Relationships, the ones that we all want to have...are those ones where I feel heard and cared about, and I make you feel heard and cared about.

Thing is...you don't have to agree. You can be opposites on politics, religion, how to celebrate holidays, color of the lights on the Christmas tree, even how to train the dog... How to Raise the Kids, is probably the only thing that needs agreement. Friendship means, that if it's 4am and you've lost your glasses, I'll get out of bed and help you look...without question or snarky comments. Give you a hug when you find them, and go back to sleep. Or if your dog bites you, I'll make brownies and take them over.

Sometimes it's a choice of Do you want to be Right (force solutions...force someone to hear you)? Or happy (just support someone when things go wrong, even if they disagree/ didn't hear you)?

Can you give an example of one of those frequent flight patterns you discussed in therapy for the sake of a for instance, arfie? I think I know what you mean in the abstract, but I'm not concretely sure without a description, if it's not too much trouble. It sounds like it may be something from my life, too. Much support to you in the meantime.

I like what you wrote and it hit home to me about forcing solutions. Your right they don't work, it has happened in my marriage as I try to force closeness and happiness for the 2 of us with our marriage counselling.

I like to run and leave quick too, just exit with no one noticing if I am really triggered. Not nessessarly a bad thing as the dog usually gets another walk

Hugs

Forcing solutions - not Gonna work unless we live in a make believe environment. Tried to do that in my own personal life landed inpatient way too many times. Finally realized that I need to understand the problem and come to a resolution that works best for self rather than force myself to think that the solution is there after all for grabs which others are asking me to take.

hugs, arf

The frequent flight pattern started with the geographic instability of my childhood, coupled with enough neglect that there are reasons to believe the suspected memories of wandering away and not being missed as a toddler. My average stay in any given place was about 6 months until I committed parenthood in my mid-20's. In the current go-round it surfaces frequently in the wonder of why I am wandering the country-side with no plan and no commitment to any plan. Starting to feel like I need to either shit or get off the proverbial pot.

We call it going walkabout over here. Humans have always been wanderers and explorers until the relatively recent development of agriculture and the industrial revolution. I think modern lifestyles are more unnatural. Maybe our trauma makes it a little easier to strip the veneer of civilisation and give into our instincts? Just my thoughts here of course because in some ways I am the same as you. I believe there is a place for everyone in this world including people like you and me. Who has the right to say we are wrong or even 'running'? Whose interpretation is that? Yours or someone else's? Much love and support on your journey.