I believe the coveted "normal" is as mythical as unicorns and dragons. The only "normal" I believe in is "normal for me."

Okay, if you insist, I will allow a "normal for you" too.

Whatever the strengths and dysfunctions of my life, they are normal for me. It's okay if it is not normal for you or whoever. It doesn't need to be.

Nobody questions the strengths. Not even raging offspring. It is the dysfunction we are here to work on.

I haven't a clue what my point is. Just letting you know what is going through my head.

such a vicious cycle - now, I am hyper-vigilant about my own PTSD! Trying to stay disciplined with what I eat, trying to pay attention to what my body is saying - until I am totally consumed with near paranoia trying to control the PTSD . .

Where is some peace, some rest in all of this? If I focus on the problem, the problem becomes bigger . .

Emotional as well as physical self-protection is vital, and you are not a monster for wanting the bombardment to stop. You are the Admiral of your own survival, and perhaps today a counter-attack was necessary.

Sometimes I think of my panic reactions being like a monster raging within me, making it harder for me to logically cope. So w/ PTSD we have to soothe the monster, and plot our strategies for dealing with forces that are partly out of our control.

Am so sorry this is happening to you right now.

Hugs

Comment to Arfie:I like the references you used for "normal". If this is not supposed to be normal, then what is? Think about it. We don't know normalcy. We know what things were like before things changes but maybe they werent going well anyways. During, we know there is nothing normal there. Afterwards, the definition of normalcy is distorted for us because we dont know what normal is and neither can we fully acheive it because what was done is done; it's about, "how can I change? What can I do to better help myself?"

Dbpalm: I get you. I know exactly what you are saying. You want to focus on improving and helping yourself meanwhile. you are self-conscious and hyperaware of your body and its messages. Trying to achieve that balance is one of my biggest challenges, especially when you dont have family members at home who understand or support you at all.

letitbe3:I expect things not to happen. When am I just sitting down and watching some tv, my body is likes a loaded weapon: ready to react at any time, any cost, which is the total opposite. When I see my reactions come out like that, it's like, it's not any progress from before and it's not helping it now. What you learn from others immediately dissipates from your memory and you go, boom!

IDK if it happens to you but those around you will talk and mention on how you are getting worse, while they themselves think they are alright. They point out your reactions, your treatment, your isolation from the family. As much as it is right, you feel blame because you know that person is right about that.

Following God and learning to walk in His Foosteps is not a walk in the park. This is a curveball thrown to us. Christ knew that when He made us,we were going to fail and mess up. He didnt judge us nor condemn us because from when he created us,He knew that we were frail. We want to give the testimony of God in our own homes yet, we become like the laughing stock when our triggers or reactions become noticed and not well for us or them.

What do you guys think?

Somewhere at least one of the Bible translations is at least one quote about being true to yourself.

I was born to circumstances which made me a feral child. I was given nothing by which to conceptualize cultural norms beyond the destructive disregard for the natural world and life outside the human species. In that, humans look very united.

Simple fact: I cannot know what is going on inside you skin any more than you can know the inside of my skin.

Repeat: Normal for me is the only "Norm" which allows this wild child to accept her membership in the human species.

But that is me. Culturally conditioned folks definitely have a different data spread sheet to work from.

May you find what works for you.

Oh, my, yes - when shit hits the fan, the blame falls on us with PTSD as if we're over-reacting, often times, we may be OVER reacting but there is very much something going on that warrants a reaction - but that gets dismissed, because that means someone would have to swallow some pride.

Right now, I am nothing short of agitated. I KNOW the PTSD symptoms surfaced when the osteo had me on 3 x's too much thyroid and suddently stopped, instead of weaning me off, of cortef (for cortisol). Now, I've got a psychologist telling me to remove the stressors - hello! We have no control over life stresses! I am telling her and my dr my car does not have wheels! Until I get wheels on this car, I can't change my state by willpower, and I think we need to postpone all this psychological and emotional work until I figure out the missing link (which I believe is cortisol or ACTH) - because we're spending time trying to connect every panic I feel and every paranoia I experience to something in my childhood and I'm questioning if it is even there. uuuggghhh

I don't really know what to say, other than in all honesty- you are not alone. I have done the same things a hundred times over and I will continue to do it a hundred times more. Life is with PTSD is difficult. It is monster.

Some days I wonder if the whole Dr. J/Mr. Hyde story honestly was based on someone who simply had just too much happen in his life.