So it is getting harder and harder for me to leave the house.I mean I will if I absolutely have to,and I know the longer I avoid going out the harder and harder it is going to be for me to go out at all,and that scares me.I worry I am on the border of becoming agoraphobic...
I become so fearful of some...oh I don't know,intangible thing about to happen.I am on high,high alert when I am out and as well my OCD assaults my head with intrusive disturbing thoughts and I become very distressed.
Mindfulness when I am out and about is super challenging.I tend to either be hyperaware of all that is going on around me,or in a dazed,dissociative state which can almost make me miss my streetcar stop.I feel so flustered when I am out,I feel that cashiers at stores can tell there is something very,very wrong with me as I fumble around for my debit card and my bags.
I cannot stand those arrows on store floors these days as I am always going in the wrong direction.
When I have to go out,I take a list with me,but,again get flustered,confused,overwhelmed and afraid and inevitibly forget something even with my list because I just want to get in and out as quickly as possible.
Maybe I am being exta paranoid,but to me,it seems like people are so suspicious of one another these days.I am a huge fraud when I am cheerful with those cashiers.
So,how to stop this in it's tracks before I cannot leave the house at all?
How to ground myself while I am in The Outside World? I have tried carrying a stone,I cannot seem to do the "Pick 5 things exercise" (My OCD gets in the way of that).
Coming home the evening I was discharged from the hospital I thought I should turn back as I was so afraid on the streetcar and bus,and just of my huge huge city.I mean this,everything looked bizarre.People looked morphed into something else.It looked like it was dark out when it was too early in the evening for it to get dark.I thought i had gone mad.
When I got home,even my surroundings looked strange,unfamiliar.I guess I can probably chalk that up to being inside a mental health unit for 3 weeks.Some kind of culture shock.
I feel,for the most part safe in my apartment,except when my neighbours are acting up,making noise that makes me jump or just hold my head and say,"Please stop please stop...."
But that all I just made into a run on sentence (My apologies) wasn't really my point,except to say that I am more often afraid these days than feeling safe.Dr.S wants me to get out at least twice a week.I suppose I do,for errands.But I really have to use self talk to get out the door."It's not going to take very long,you will be back home soon."
I don't know if anyone else here has this trouble,or has overcome it.A crisis worker recently tried to talk me into going for walks,which I know *are* good for me,I always enjoy the endorphins from a walk,but my head just gets too loud with OCD and my PTSD has me always on that high alert,waiting,waiting for something terrible to happen.
And nobody can truly reassure me that nothing will happen.
Because you never know.
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