I'll address EMDR first...

I've done EMDR. One session. One. And what came out? Was completely accurate, horrifyingly accurate, and devastatingly true. Instead of recovering memories that weren't "there", I was able to attach events and emotions together, which I had never done. (Dissociative something or other.) EMDR was meant ot help me get over terror of doctors, but the imagery used was very bland. Unfortunately, it triggered things I had kept hidden from myself. THey didn't tell me a thing. I just suddenly had more recall... More filled-in recollection... And I can attest to the lack of being "given hints" or told things or falsehood, b/c my hubby watched the session, and my mother confirmed events, as did others. I didn't make anything up, nor did the therapist.

My therapist simply used a calming breathing exercise and visualizations. That was it. It was a first session, so that's all I know about it. Others here have done more with EMDR.

As to your mom....

My mother... did not like hearing what happened. She liked pretending it didn't happen. But she didn't lie, when asked. And she has a few times apologized for not divorcing my dad. And was genuinely angry about a few things she did *not* know.

But she shut me down often, and said hurtful things, so she would not have to know.

Your mother may not want to remember and may be making herself not remember. Such things? Incredibly difficult to face, very easy to deny. If she accepts facts, then she accepts responsibility. She probably wants to focus on the material aspects, b/c that's what she can prove she did "right", maybe?

In the meantime... healing wishes to you. Therapy saved my sanity and life. I couldn't have managed without it. Not fond of EMDR personally, but many say it's a gradual and gentle process, very useful.

Luck and blessing.

I have never done EMDR, so I have nothing to share there, but I have allot of experience with family, friends and associates who have strong opinions about psychotherapy. I still haven't found a single trick that works on all of them. My handling runs from a simple statement of, "I already have a therapist, thank you." to tactile grounding and sub-vocal mantras to help me tune them out while they finish their diatribe. I try not to argue with the diatribes. They run out of steam quicker without interruption.

Share freely and often in a safe, supportive environment like this one while you work the process, Heidi. Whatever therapy program you work, recovery can be a brutal, confusing journey. Travel with friends whenever possible.

Healing hopes.

Heidi, I've never done EMDR, so I can't offer anything there, either. As for family members claiming that my memories are fiction--wow, I wish I were truly that creative. But as they say, you can't make that stuff up.

In my own family's case, not speaking of yours or anyone else's, I find it to be narcissistic that they are so vain that they think I would bother to spend my life making up stories with them in the starring roles, whether as villains or heroes. They don't deserve that much of my attention. It's just that in my case, they did so much crap to me that it's taking this long to get their crap out of my system.

If I were to make stories up about family, I would certainly imagine better people than them, honestly. Just speaking for myself again, I'd make up June and Ward Cleaver types, and I'd be the Beave. So that's what I'd be doing if I were using fiction with my family. Making me happy.

I do get so tired of their lying, but in the case of my family, it's something that goes back generations. Being a low life and then lying about it comes naturally in my family tree. When I was a kid, I was lied to that my grandfather didn't fight in France in World War II because he was such a good sharpshooter that he was held back to train other soldiers Stateside. I grew up to find out the truth was that while in Texas doing basic training he visited a brothel and got a sexually transmitted disease. To my shame, that's why my forefather didn't fight for his country. He was shameless about it, though. When my grandmother came to visit him in Texas at the time, he just gave her the sexually transmitted disease, too. No problem.

I'm telling you, I couldn't make this stuff up.

Therefore, I'm breaking the cycle of the family's tradition, so they'll never know how to handle it when somebody in the family tells the truth--especially when a family member doesn't lie to themselves. Telling the truth instead of living in cover ups brings about a whole new set of experiences never found before in my family tree going back to before the Civil War. Yep, they failed to serve their country then, too, quite dishonorably. Let me tell you, it's quite a story as well, but let's just leave it at that.

I'm sorry your mom was your rock and that you don't have her to lean on now. I never had family to lean on, speaking just for me, because they were the brain washers. They still try to be, but fortunately, they're not as good at it as they would need to be to get away with it. It takes a lot of prescription pill abuse by my mom and my sister to repress their anxiety that lying so much brings upon them. As for my dad, his lies caught up with him after 30 years and he was booted from his career job. He had a nervous breakdown, and ended up in his old age a zombie who could only work mowing lawns. He lies about that, too now, though, even though his firing from his career position was in all of the newspapers. Of course he lies about it. That's just what my family members do. As the joke goes, "how can you tell when my family is telling a lie? When their lips are moving."

Seems in my family, however, that as dedicated a bunch of liars though they may be, long term lying still doesn't pay. Seeing that, I'm working hard to tell the truth to myself so I end up more fulfilled in life, even if the truth is painful. I don't want to end up a crazy pill popping addict like my mom and my sister, or some zombie empty shell of a man like my dad. I feel sorry for them, I really do. But generations of that kind of behavior in my family has proven for sure that you can't save people from themselves, you really can't.

So that's what I know about lying and family. What I know about pain is this: besides PTSD I have kidney disease, and secondary nerve damage from that with pain. Then, precisely because I have kidney disease, it's best for me not to take painkillers since most could damage the kidneys further. So I know about pain management via breathing, meditation, and other non pharmaceutical approaches. You're not alone in that, then, and I send much support to you as you manage your pain in the next few weeks that way.

Dear Heidi,

Your description of the requirements of your therapy are disturbing to me. It does not sound like true EMDR therapy!!

I'm a retired therapist who used EMDR therapy as my primary psychotherapy treatment and I've also personally had EMDR therapy for anxiety, panic, grief, and small t trauma. As a client, EMDR therapy worked extremely well and also really fast. As a retired EMDR therapist, and in my (now retired) role as a facilitator who trained other therapists in EMDR therapy (certified by the EMDR International Association and trained by the EMDR Institute, both of which I strongly recommend in an EMDR therapist) I have used EMDR successfully with panic disorders, PTSD, anxiety, depression, grief, body image, phobias, distressing memories, bad dreams, dissociative disorders, CSA, and many other problems. It's a very gentle method with no significant "down-side" so that in the hands of a professional EMDR therapist, there should be no freak-outs or worsening of day-to-day functioning.

Neither EMDR nor any psychotherapy should go digging for memories. Memories are gone - may be buried/held in different parts - for good reasons. Sometimes memory does become more clear, and related memories emerge which can then become targets of their own for EMDR processing. Such memories might surface with enough preparation and when the timing is right. There is a special EMDR protocol for dissociative disorders and complex PTSD. The treatment of trauma and dissociation with EMDR (or any therapy) requires special/extra training. Be absolutely certain the therapist has specialized training in complex PTSD, as well as advanced training in EMDR therapy. Always talk with your therapist at the beginning of your work about what you already know is grounding for you.

There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in the EMDR therapy training that requires a client to be "clean" from medication!! In fact, it is suggested that AFTER successful EMDR therapy, if the client decides to discontinue meds, a check-up visit for EMDR therapy occur to make sure the gains have held.

One of the initial phases (Phase 2) in EMDR psychotherapy involves preparing for memory processing or desensitization (memory processing or desensitization - phases 3-6 - is often what is referred to as "EMDR" which is actually an 8-phase method of psychotherapy). In this phase resources are "front-loaded" so that you have a "floor" or "container" to help with processing the really hard stuff, as well as creating strategies if you're triggered in everyday life. In Phase 2 you learn a lot of great coping strategies and self-soothing techniques which you can use during EMDR processing or anytime you feel the need.

Grounding exercises are essential. You can use some of the techniques in Dr. Shapiro's book "Getting Past Your Past: Take Control of Your Life with Self-Help Techniques from EMDR." Dr. Shapiro is the founder/creator of EMDR but all the proceeds from the book go to two charities: the EMDR Humanitarian Assistance Program and the EMDR Research Foundation). The book is an easy read, helps you understand what's "pushing" your feelings and behavior, helps you connect the dots from past experiences to current life. Also gives lots of really helpful ways that are used during EMDR therapy to calm disturbing thoughts and feelings.

In phase 2 you learn how to access a Safe or Calm Place which you can use at ANY TIME during EMDR processing (or on your own) if it feels scary, or too emotional, too intense. One of the key assets of EMDR therapy is that YOU, the client, are in control NOW, even though you werent in the past, during traumatic events. You NEVER need re-live an experience or go into great detail, ever! You NEVER need to go through the entire memory. YOU can decide to keep the lights (or the alternating sounds and/or tactile pulsars, or the waving hand, or any method of bilateral stimulation that feels okay to you) going, or stop them, whichever helps titrate measure and adjust the balance or dose of the processing. During EMDR processing there are regular breaks and you can control when and how many but the therapist should be stopping the bilateral stimulation every 25-50 passes of the lights to ask you to take a deep breath and say just a bit of what youre noticing, anything different, any changes. (The stimulation should not be kept on continuously, because there are specific procedures that need to be followed to process the memory). The breaks help keep a foot in the present while youre processing the past. Again, and I cant say this enough, YOU ARE IN CHARGE so YOU can make the process tolerable. And your therapist should be experienced in the EMDR techniques that help make it the gentlest and safest way to detoxify bad life experiences and build resources. Your therapist should also be using a variety of techniques to make painful processing less painful, like suggesting you turn the scene in your mind to black and white, lower the volume, or, erect a bullet-proof glass wall between you and the painful scene, or, imagine the abuser speaking in a Donald Duck voice... and so forth. There are a lot of these kinds of "interventions" that ease the processing. They are called "cognitive interweaves" that your therapist can use, and that also can help bring your adult self's perspective into the work (or even an imaginary Adult Perspective). Such interweaves are based around issues of Safety, Responsibility, and Choice. So therapist questions like "are you safe now?" or "who was responsible? and "do you have more choices now?" are all very helpful in moving the processing along.

I haven't done a lot of EMDR yet, but I've found it gentle and extremely effective. Having a good therapist is key. My therapist worked with me for over a year before doing EMDR and she waited until I felt I was ready and was comfortable with the idea. She would not do it when I was not "feeling it". In that year we worked on establishing coping skills that worked for me like mindfulness, exercise, yoga, journaling, breathing and relaxation exercises, visualizations, etc. We talked a lot about issues that have been problems for me. But she never pushed me into talking about anything that I found overwhelming. We worked on improving my critical self talk, one thing that has helped is self-compassion. We also worked on my (lack of) assertiveness and she helped me establish boundaries (with everyone, but especially my family). In short, we spent a lot of time building a relationship and trust and getting me more stable. Not that I don't have my ups and downs, but I am more consistently up than down now. Only after all of this groundwork did we do EMDR. She also thoroughly explained what EMDR is and how it can affect me, what kinds of things to be aware of.

With the EMDR itself, she first has me do some calming and relaxing exercises before we start. She reminds me how to ground myself. When we do EMDR she has us take breaks and checks in with me often. She watches my face and makes sure I am ok. If I am getting overwhelmed, she helps me ground myself. If I feel like I need to stop, she respects that and does not push me to do more, unless I want to. If I am dissociating, she will even have me stand up (if I can) and stretch and do some yoga poses to help return to my body. And if I feel like I need to talk about something instead of doing EMDR, she respects that. It's been slow and gradual and completely at my own pace and comfort level.

I guess I really won the lottery when it comes to therapists.

Leo, that sounds awful! My experience has been completely different. My therapist makes sure we have time to talk and ground, and whatever else feels right. It sounds like your therapist did not have a lot of experience. I have a great therapist and she went through the healing process herself before becoming a therapist herself, so I think it helps that she has first hand experience that helps her to really understand. She did not want to push me to doing EMDR too soon because when she started therapy they pushed her into it right away with no groundwork and it was bad, similar to what you went through. She wanted me to have a lot of practice with the coping skills first. We also started with a small trauma first, something that was painful but not overwhelming so we could see how I responded to it before diving into more difficult issues. If I didn't responded well, she didn't want me to do it. Something else was I have a problem with dissociation and it's hard for me to read the cues that I need to slow down or stop until it's a big problem. Learning how to pay attention to my body and mind and listen to them has been hard, but I believe that helped me to be able to know when I can work through stuff that comes up with EMDR and when I need to stop before it gets out of hand.

My mom called and chafed with me a little. We pretend that our disappointing conversation never happened. I'm going to never bring up thing I should keep between me and my counselor again. I think things will work out that way. I just happy she's talking to me again. Thank you for all your suggestions and helping me stay strong.

I've never had EMDR but have heard that it has helped some people. Your brain is an amazing thing. It will allow you to remember when you are ready to remember. It is our body's way of protecting you. Share your stories with "safe" people only. Share only with people that will give you positive feedback. Not believing you is the worst thing someone can do to you. Why would you make up stories to make yourself feel horrible? I'm sorry that your mother is acknowledging your pain. It's painful to have to pretend. I get it. You're not alone. Be well.

I try save my worry about "Never" until it gets here, Heidi. Accepting a fact, such as a loved one who is not ready and/or able to understand my condition and/or therapy, as it is today does not rule out the possibility that the fact could grow into something else tomorrow.

Glad you are talking to your mother again. Love is a rare and precious gift. Waiting for perfect people to love is an isolating habit. For those of us who are more likely to own a flying saucer than experience a mother's love. . Is it okay that I am more than a little envious? I promise, I won't hate you for being so lucky. Just envious, with full peer support disclosure, checks and balances.

Mujicapst Im sorry to hear you can't find trust within your family too and that you too are in pain. I'm sure like me you see a pain management Dr. and they try their best too help you. I applaud you in not giving into Pain Killers. My mom is a Zombie of many different Pills aswell. I understand those type of Zombies thats for sure.

Dear Reese8
I have yet to go through with EMDR and I hear it dose wonders. My Therapist is specialized training in complex PTSD, as well as advanced training in EMDR therapy with over 10years of practice. I've also have had Meditation group with her in the past and was in her class of over 6 months.. So I do know her and feel confutable with her as my Therapist. The medication that I am currently off is medical Marijuana. and she is trying to keep my emotions separate form the drug. I do hope what your saying is true, but she the Doc. I should go by her rules. Thank you for your great insite. It truly help to see this process form the other side.

Dear Mutateg6oz I happy to hear their are good experience with EMDR and I glade you had a good Therapist too. It makes me happy to see that they take their time and stop for grounding breaks, but I have less then 20 days till Im going through with my 1st EMDR experience.

Dear Livewithintention Thank you for the kind words and Im glad Im not alone. Thank you again!


Dear arfie My family has alway just coved up bad experiences and never talks about them unless its a joke. I just wish my family would take my issues as serious as I do. Thanks again for everything!


***Hugs**** to all!
I really love all the support!

You can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends.

the EMDR has been the best thing I have done, took me 6 months of prep work and then I started. I see huge changes everyday and old things do not trigger as they used too. I have a long way to go but for the first time see changes. In the past I did 20 years of psychotherapy that kept me a float but did not get to the route of re wiring my old brain pathways