I also was terrified to try EMDR and thought everything would just come bubbling up for me, but it didn't.

I don't know if your therapist uses tappers or fingers or a light machine, but whatever it is, I would say let that thing be part of your regular session for a few minutes. For example, my therapist uses tappers, which are two little plastic buds that I hold in my hands and they give a little alternating buzz. I can hold them and just talk normally, like a regular session, instead of letting myself feel and remember stuff. This is what I'm recommending for you. Just experience the EMDR without giving yourself over to feelings or memories as a way of getting used to the sensations and assuring yourself that you are in control and will not be overwhelmed by an uncontrollable rush of memories or feelings.

Does it make sense to you?

Yes, she does use tappers, which I don't know what they are. I like the your idea, just to hold them. I do want to do the EMDR, but she has told me she can't when I dissociate too much upon arrival.

To clarify what you are saying, is to have a normal chat session (which I am fine with) but use the tappers correct? I like that idea.

Yes, that's my idea. Just hold the tappers while talking normally.

She can turn them on very very low. Because the therapist can control how much they buzz and how fast the buzz goes from the tapper in one hand to the other. A low intensity buzz and a slow movement from one hand to the other will be very minimally stimulating.

Your dissociative parts are protecting you theyre on FULL ALERT and need lots of mindful attention and TLC. I recommend that you stay away from any memory processing until you can maintain presence and not dissociate in the therapists office. Knowing that you dont have to go there until the two of you agree might be calming just in itself. And this preparation phase can take as long as it takes months, even years! You and your therapist, together, might consider going for a consultation with another therapist who is an expert is dissociative disorders and EMDR therapy. I'm sure your therapist has your best interest at heart and would not be opposed to a consultation to help ease your fears.

For dissociative disorders, as with any complex PTSD/trauma, the "front-loading" of resources, and a phased treatment plan is essential. Please read the 2012 revision of International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation (ISSTD) guidelines for treating adults with dissociative disorders and complex PTSD on the ISTSS website.

Keep talking with your therapist about what you already know is grounding. Prepare strategies together. One of the initial phases (Phase 2) in EMDR therapy involves preparing for memory processing or desensitization (memory processing or desensitization - phases 3-6 - is often what is referred to as "EMDR" which is actually an 8-phase method of psychotherapy). In this phase resources are "front-loaded" so that you have a "floor" or "container" to help with processing the really hard stuff, as well as creating strategies if you're triggered in everyday life. In Phase 2 you learn a lot of great coping strategies and self-soothing techniques which you can use during EMDR processing or anytime you feel the need.

In phase 2 you learn how to access a Safe or Calm Place which you can use at ANY TIME during EMDR processing (or on your own) if it feels scary, or too emotional, too intense. Pacing and dosing are critically important. So if you ever feel that EMDR processing is too intense then it might be time to go back over all the resources that should be used both IN session and BETWEEN sessions.

Later, possibly MUCH later, youll already know that one of the key assets of EMDR therapy is that YOU, the client, are in control NOW, even though you werent in the past, during traumatic events and/or panic/anxiety, or whatever disturbance(s) on which youre working. You NEVER need re-live an experience or go into great detail, ever! You NEVER need to go through the entire memory. YOU can decide to keep the lights (or the alternating sounds and/or tactile pulsars, or the waving hand, or any method of bilateral stimulation that feels okay to you) going, or stop them, whichever helps titrate measure and adjust the balance or dose of the processing. During EMDR processing there are regular breaks and you can control when and how many but the therapist should be stopping the bilateral stimulation every 25-50 passes of the lights to ask you to take a deep breath and say just a bit of what youre noticing, anything different, any changes. (The stimulation should not be kept on continuously, because there are specific procedures that need to be followed to process the memory). The breaks help keep a foot in the present while youre processing the past. Again, and I cant say this enough, YOU ARE IN CHARGE so YOU can make the process tolerable. And your therapist should be experienced in the EMDR therapy techniques that help make it the gentlest and safest way to detoxify bad life experiences and build resources. You need the grounding and containment of Phase 2, and lots of it, until YOU feel ready to start EMDR processing.

There are other kinds of Resource Development strategies that can be used depending on the skill level and experience of your therapist (Google "Resource development and installation" and find articles by Janina Fisher, Debbie Korn, and/or Andrew Leeds, ask about John Omaha's AMST - Affect Management Skills Training, or the Imaginal Nurturing protocol).

For you, here's a very helpful book: "Amongst Ourselves: A Self-Help Guide to Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder" by Tracy Alderman. For your therapist (who may have already read it or something similar, but also for you) another great book: "Healing the Heart of Trauma and Dissociation with EMDR and Ego State Therapy" written by Carol Forgash, an expert in dissociative disorders and EMDR.

As a recently retired psychologist, I used EMDR therapy as my primary psychotherapy treatment and I've also personally had EMDR therapy for anxiety, panic, grief, and small t trauma. As a client, EMDR worked extremely well and also really fast. As an EMDR therapist, and in my (now retired) role as a facilitator who trained other therapists in EMDR therapy (certified by the EMDR International Association and trained by the EMDR Institute, both of which I strongly recommend in an EMDR therapist) I have used EMDR therapy successfully with panic disorders, PTSD, dissociative disorders, anxiety, depression, grief, body image, phobias, distressing memories, bad dreams, and many other problems. It's a very gentle method with no significant "down-side" so that in the hands of a professional EMDR therapist, there should be no freak-outs or worsening of day-to-day functioning.

I have never done formal EMDR, but I have experienced that dissociation thing at the onset of a new experience. It doesn't seem to matter what the new experience is. When the brain freeze of dissociation hits, I can go paralytic over something as important as, "Red or Blue sprinkles on my cake? Never tried sprinkles before. What if. . . What if. . . What if. . ."

The harder I fight it, the more I dissociate. I, personally, let it be okay that I am dissociating and work on that as something separate from the new experience. Often, after I get a handle on the dissociation, I discover that there was some other reason I didn't want to go through with it and still end up just saying, "No." I still feel better about the decision when it is an actual decision instead of just brain freeze.

Gentle support while you sort your own, Musk. Sometimes we make our greatest discoveries while we are lost.

My therapist told me last night that she thought it would be a good idea for me to do EMDR therapy because of my memory loss from parts of the rape. I'm kind of scared to try it. every time I think about him I start to feel nauseous.