Can relate to what you are saying. Out lived my "mommy dearest" a couple years ago...

You seem like someone who works hard to take care of herself, and I hope you find a way to diminish your inner pain.

We all crave more peace.

It's really hard to reach out to a parent {s} that are not able to connect emotionally themselves back to you. I went through that for many many years with my mother, and step father. It's a huge letdown, reaching out in hopes to feel approved especially by a parent. When I first attempted to receive help from my mother she seemed embarrassed that I was saying I needed her help in my young youth, that she cut me off after going through years of abuse from my stepfather, now I was cut off from her. I was to act normal, no visable flaws to the outside.

I knew not to disrespect my parents, having an emotional problem that would cause more disarray to their normal, I like my siblings were in that era "be seen and not heard" and that was it no varience. Alone and not having support from dysfunctional parents themselves when I thought I could recieve support it became very difficult thinking I am too put my emotions under the rug and dont dare act different. Sometimes there is no reaching out to your parents, you will find you have to get you the help you need and try not to keep connecting with unconnectable people. A lot of years passed by for me trying to connect then realizing it was not to be.

Do take care of yourself, take an example from me and dont let 30/40 years pass with every effort keep being a let down to connect with them.

Letitbe3, I agree 100%. I don't know how you did it with your mom.

Sis2cat, being the youngest one in my family, my family has high expectations of me. The fact that before my PTSD, i was always the kind to show any kind of affection and made it known to the world, the person they see now is someone that they don't really know why I have changed. I know why I have changed,; they don't really know how real it is and was for me. I think you are right about families and the whole" be seen and not heard" and put your emotions under the rug, that is STILL the era of now. As long as you keep your mouth shut and don't say what you truly feel, then its fine for everybody but not for you.

The fact that I want to keep trying to connect is because I still believe in the idea of restoration for my family. I think I do set up myself to be failed but then i know, they themselves are disconnected from themselves and others. They also need to want it in order for "it" to be changed. They need to put of themselves...

Believe it or not, we've come a long way, baby. You should have heard the stigma I waded through in 1972 when I started therapy. In 1964 when my mother had my baby raping father committed, it was bad enough to close my mother's open mind.

I look at it as an opportunity to escape the conditioning of pseudo-intellectuals who run around with lists of acceptable thoughts. This is where you study on letting others be themselves while you follow your own gut to healing.

If it was easy, everybody would be doing it.

This is a very lonely, dark valley we are trudging through. I have no parents left and my only biological sister, I think, also has PTSD but is not seeking help, therefore, I can have no relationship with her - there has been something very toxic in our relationship all our lives.

Actually, I don't have any friends that I can pick up a phone and call and talk. NONE. My psychologist is there for me. You guys are here for me. My two kids (18 & 20) know I'm not OK and they weather my triggered episodes, they are patient and frustrated, both, with me. But they love me and they know I won't give up until I'm on more solid footing. And, they live their own lives. Which, I want them to!

Tell me about parent's inappropriate non-supportive comments! My parents have no sense of respect for their children. That concept doesn't exist to them. So yes, long ago I learned that they are never going to be supportive, especially for something that makes me feel better.

Also, as an adult I can do whatever the heck I wan to without having to explain anything to them or regardless of if they like it or not. They are loud, violent and dysfunctional. I just refuse to join them in their shit.

Self care may involve staying away from anyone (including families) that don't support your getting better. If that means that you have to avoid conversing with them about certain things, so be it.

Some parents don't understand the concept of boundaries. I have the feeling that your mom may not respect that you as an adult can make your own decisions. If that's not the case, it may be a matter to just reminding her that you're an adult now and don't need her permission to take care of yourself (or not).

My, how I relate to your post, findingkatb!

I applaud you for seeking the help you need now, before you spend endless years suffering in silence in denial, like many have experienced. When we don't face the internal pain that we have, it does not go away. We can push it down, stuff it down, eat, drink, drug, act out to try to avoid and get rid of that inner pain, and it waits patiently and insidiously to find ways to keep revealing itself " I am hurting in here....please give me the loving attention I need to I can heal and be released." The more we ignore the pain, the more food for growth of the hidden pain and complexities in suffering we experience. So, I applaud you in seeking help now!

I get what you all have said so far about our parents, our family relationships. We get stigmatized for admitting our truth, that something is wrong, that we need help. Our own family members have hurt us greatly. Sadly, we often just must accept that they cannot support us in the way we need support.

My mom died 7 years ago, I tried to get honest with her, we had a small measure of healing, but there still was so much denial, scapegoating, and blaming me for pulling the wool off the family eye's and calling dysfunctional and sick what it was. ....they called it normal, and they called me sick. Okay, so I am sick from living and trying to cope alone in all this crazy sickness. But, I am healthier for having the courage to acknowledge sickness for what it is. ....

My father and I always had a dysfunctional relationship, and it still is...we have not spoken for 5 years. I have had to accept that I spent 45 years trying to parent my own parent, and it didn't work....and it was never my job to begin with. I have been rejected and blamed and labeled. It hurts.

I am grateful that I was able to seek help before acting out in violence against myself or the perpetrators of violent acts against me. I am grateful that we who come here to seek understanding and hope from one another can learn from each other's experience and lessen our collective suffering.

I am sad that I never had the upbringing, the happy family, the loving, doting, protective, honest, positive parents that I wished I had. I am sad that I fell short of being the greatest parent that I wanted to be. But, I am grateful that I did learn some of what I did not want to be from my parents, and some of those qualities, I was able to do better for my own children.

I think this is all we can do, accepting our past is not easy. We need to talk about it, try to understand what we can, accept that some of it makes no sense to us, and then, try to let go of our suffering, our pain by seeking out ways to be happy, healthy and whole, and finding compassionate people to share that journey with.

You are doing a great job at reaching for a better tomorrow for you, by taking care of you, today. Your family may not ever be able to support you the way you need, so seeking people who can and will be supportive to you is so important.

Thank you for sharing your journey, and I send you sincere prayers that you find the strength you need today to stay on course with being true to yourself.

First of all, Im surprised on the responses i received. Wasn't expecting this. Thank you so much for writing.

It's really unfortunate and sad that our own parents do not understand the stigma of trauma for us. My parents, as caring and concerned they are, they don't understand and comprehend how some of us really hurt. It is not enough nowadays to be deemed sick or hurt if you are in pain, emotionally; it has to be seen in order for real treatment and concern to be shown.

I want to add something I saw today: I walked around my neighborhood when I see my old elementary school. I went and saw how the outside playground, where we used to go for recess or during lunch, is now a community playground. I saw all these kids play, parents sitting around, and some playing with their own. It took me back when I was child. I thought of the me, now and seeing all these kids and their parents: they really have the opportunity to enjoy their life now as kids and run, meanwhile some if us, if not all, we wished to be kids. we all moan and groan for that lost child in us. How is it that something which we have no control affect us in so many ways?

dbpalm- i feel the same way as you. I don't really have a lot of friends who can really understand what i am dealing with or share anything with them. They all have become so intuned into their lives that it seems everything is just slow for us. I am really grateful for having found this website. It has been one of the strongest, if not the strongest support group i have ever known. Thanks for writing back to my response... means a lot.


Chris1976 and Seekinghealthy101...
Thanks for making me feel wanted. It makes me know that what so am doing is right for me and that I can make my own decisions. Unfortunately, our parents sometimes may hurt us the most and they themselves are disconnected from us. They hurt, just like we do, they just don't to deal with it or have become tired themselves from so much. Nobody likes a sick person unless you are a doctor, nurse, or surgeon. They can deal. Not us- we don't really reach out unless we see that we are the same in our hurt.

It really means a lot. still, it makes me sad that some of our own toxic relationships stem from our home lives. Our family may never fully understand how much help we need and reach out for. Some things are better left unsaid, but if they like to know and see what we have, then they are the ones who need to change their mentality on what sickness and pain is like for us. We are not crazy. We are individuals who want to be heard, understood, and accepted and like to help others who are one in the same feeling and hurts as we are.

There is this biblical verse: a divided home can not stand.

We all want to feel whole and united as a family. Our own homes and families live with a facade of wholeness and unity... we pretend. We

* we pretend. We hide. We stuff down all the baggage of the past into our hearts and memories. Idk what point i am making but i am tired of all the bulls--- of keeping a clean family name. If we invited God into our homes, how will He react? What will He say about all of this?
Families, yes, we make mistakes and we screw up badly too. It is too damn unfortunate that some of our own can't take the responsibility and admit our shortcomings and mistakes.

Facing the reality of my parents as opposed to this fantasy of what I wanted my family to be has been part of my work to heal. I still want my father's approval, but he was very abusive and I don't really want to deal with him. I was always the scapegoat in my family for everything. My family was dysfunctional on so many levels. My therapist once told me that I am probably the healthiest one in my family as I am the one working on stuff while the others aren't. That is a new way to view myself.

I am sorry for the abuse you endured from your own father.

In reading your response/post, I can relate in the idea of wanting approval from your own parents and the idea of reality v. fantasy. From my mom, She never really has allowed me to be me and when i have tried to be me, it is either somewhat wrong or am I taking things too seriously. She may have and still supports my education and choices I make career-wise, but once it comes to the true matters of the heart and things that matter most to me, its a whole different agenda. My dad, on the other end, has always been supportive of me and whatever I do. I am truly sorry that you never had the dad you always wanted. Sorry if this bothers you or triggers you.

Because of all the trauma and chaos that happened in your life, i can imagine it has also affected your perception of family. That goes to me and to all of us who went through some serious family issues (and most probably, still do). You never had the true joy of childhood. You never had what you always idealized and should've had: love. You were abused. I grew up in an envt of family chaos and domestic violence. Not to minimize your pain or suffering, but we came out pretty hurt and messed up. At the end, now we realize what is best for us and what we need to do for ourselves. Unfortunately, some families will never understand the true meaning of family and true love.

John 3:16- " For God so loved the world(US) that He gave His only begotten son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life".

Jeremiah 29:10-11 " For I know the plans for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future".

I don't know if you believe in God or have an understanding of who He is, but I know that day and night, this is a reminder of God's love towards me and what He has for me. I know that we both have been through hell and you may have experienced worse than I probably have but this is real word; real love and nutrition to the heart and soul. You are not alone.

I have never found anyone to be able to understand how I feel with PTSD unless they have it themselves. That's why I come here to be among my own kind. I've been married twice to intelligent, compassionate people, and even though I kept them up to date on my weekly appointments and they occasionally went to sessions with me themselves, it really didn't sink in. I've had doctors with PhD's in PTSD who, though academically prepared, didn't know what it felt like and it showed there, too.

It's hard to people to believe there are experiences in this world so traumatic that the very wiring of the brain is re-wired by them. It's easier to accept bipolar disorder or schizophrenia because they're genetic. Eventually, I found my fellow-travelers, be they doctors or family or spouses or friends, couldn't cope with PTSD being forever. They always thought love or therapy would conquer all, and that in time I'd just "get over it."

So I don't have good news about others. But I do have this good news to offer. Everybody here has PTSD, so every time you talk about it, we get it, And we don't expect you to "get over it" for us. Keep coming back!