Yes.
Or at least they can subside to a low low low low level, and you will not be
Therapy is (argh) the hard step with all the work that goes into it, but...
This person did a real number on you. Tapdanced all over your self-hood. ]
Guilt and regret and shame are tough ones. Bu tthey're not imopsssible.
We're here for you.
BTW, I still regret thinknig I could trust the guy who raped me---but I don't feel shame for it anymore, and haven't for over 20 years. I was young and didn't know.
Forgive yourself, okay? Give yourself a hug. And like I said, we're here.

Why should I forgive myself? I don't deserve it. From myself or others.

Okay, wow, that is one big blanket statement, so let me counter:

WHY SHOULDN"T YOU?
We all screw up. I can't list mine, there's not enough room on DS's servers for my screw-ups in life. Small, big, medium, etc.

And if we learn from the mistake and don't repeat it? THat's not just worth forgiveness, that's worth a thumbs-up, because it shows you've *learned*. THat you're striving for better.

I have to go to my therapist in a little bit so will be off DS a couple hours, but please beleive me on this one.

YOU DO DESERVE FORGIVENESS.

I'm no priest or God, but I guarantee you tht you deserve it.
You feel bad about yourself, like you screwd up and aren't worthy----but would you say that about any of us here on PTSD? Of course not. So don't say it about you. Would you tell me I shouldn't be forgiven for getting into a car with someone I thought i knew/trusted, and he raped me? No. So don't say it about you. Would you tell me I shouldn't be forgiven---don't deserve forgiveness---for not ratting out my sister for how she treated me? Of course not. So what makes me more "wrothy" of forgiveness than you?
Nothing.
Look at yourself and see what we see.
You're a beautiful soul and you deserve healing and wholeness, just like all of us.
Say it with me, okay? Just once before I have run out the door....

"I, Violet, am a beautiful soul and I deserve healing and wholeness."

We're here. We know you're worth it.

But the thing is Leo, I KNEW what I was doing and knew it was against my morales but I did it anyways. I was so desperate to feel loved I befriended a guy I didn't know and did everything he said. He threatened me and my boyfriend so I knew I had to do something otherwise something could've happened to my best friend. Even though I know it's not possible I was scared to death. Yes nobody should go through that but how can you forgive someone for doing that? I finally accepted the fact God isn't mad and forgave me (part of me still asks why would he forgive me? I don't deserve it.) why does he or anyone love me?????!!!!!!!!??????? I don't deserve to be loved.

YOu answered your own question, as my therapist would say (and does, darn it).

"I was so desperate to feel loved."
That need is human, it is basic, it is fundamental, and its lack? Is devastating. That's not going against your morals, that's trying a way to find love that turned out to be a horrible experience where you were manipulated and threatened----no blame to you for needing love, seeking love, and certainly not blame for what that twisted guy did twisting that need as a weapon against you.
You sought love. A predator found you. Of course you are love-worthy. You were in a position of fear---love's opposite---and did what you had to do to preserve yourse safety and your boyfriend's. What was done to you was wrong. And it was done to you.

I will never believe I "let" my rape occur---but I have had the torments of he** in my heart wondering what I did to "earn" my sister's abuse of me when I would've don eanything to make her or Dad love me. I swallowed 20 years of insults and abuse---hoping that it'd be love one day. Would you say I shouldn't be forgiven? Of course not. So why shouldn't you? When I was a teenager I also KNEW I was getting led down the wrong path, to try to get love from these people....

And I saw my sister---who yes was my main abuser---do ANYTHING to be loved. And she did somet hings that'd frankly make me throw up if I wasn't too tired to. She destroyed her core identity trying to get love. It warped her so badly she ended up not seeing what she did was wrong---if she was alive today, she'd probably still tell me I deserved it and so on.

You feel regret. You want to heal. YOu know you made a MISTAKE. You had an error of judgment. You didn't kill someone for money (my aunt did); you didn't choke someone so you'd feel better about yourself (my sister did); you didn't encourage your boyfriend to rape a girl you didn't like (my sister did); you didn't beat your kids with a two-inch-wide leather belt for scratching the paint on the truck (my dad did)....I've seen some sh*t that's as close to true unforgivable evil as there probably is, and what you did? You walked into a prediator. That's all. You wanted love, that's human and normal. It's how a lot of us get into a lot of bad situations. So if we deserve forgiveness for not being all-knowing and all-perfect, why don't you?

I'm not blowing smoke. Iv'e had to forgive me for stuff I find pretty rotten---acting out of pain and fear and loneliness----and it's hard work.

But you deserve that forgiveness and love. Every soul on this planet does. I may not be able to give it to my aunt the murderer, but I can forgive me for not realizing this guy was a rapist---and I knew him in person for THREE YEARS. Saw him EVERY day. In PERSON. Still clueless me.... hoping that if I was riding home with him and his friends, hey, maybe I'd finally broken out of the Nerd Mold and might have some more friends----

Yeah, maybe I too "should've" known and realized I was acting against my principles---I was---but that need for love and belonging is powerful stuff.

Wish I could say this in person, but I can't, so.... Just know I'm here. We're all here. You're not alone, and YOU ARE WOTH LOVE AND FORGIVENESS.

It took therapy for me to work through my shame because when I was 10 and I told my mom a pedophile had molested me, a shame storm began that lasted decades. She had my father beat me weekly for what she thought I had done to "deserve" being molested like that.

She never let up in any setting, at any opportunity. She's mentally ill from shame heaped on her by her abusive father. And she's really good at using shame to hurt her loved ones in any way possible.

I once saw her attempt suicide so she could guilt trip the family at the hospital about letting her down. I was 12. We got her to the emergency room and she called us over to her bedside. When we got there, in front of the doctors and nurses she reached out and grabbed by father by the groin and twisted until she brought him to his knees. Very manipulative, no shame for herself, and nothing but blame for others.

Even as a kid I knew I never did anything wrong to be molested and then shamed constantly. So I could never figure out why my mother was convinced I deserved so much abuse. My mother told me even God could not forgive me, that God's hands were tied when it came to me. Not even to ask God for help because I was destined for hell and there was nothing anyone could do about it.



She made up a theological reason and fed it to me, a kid, like poison. It was a convoluted theological argument about how God could forgive, and Jesus could forgive, but I had sinned against the third part of the Trinity, the Holy Spirit, and it could not forgive me like God and Jesus could. I was doomed. I didn't buy it even as a kid, but my heart froze at watching my mother work so hard to send me to hell.

That certainly affected how I looked at myself in the mirror, as you say.It affected how I thought future people who got close to me would see me, too.

But we're here now, and we deserve to heal. I really believe that. I don't understand all the rest, but I'll forgive whoever I have to--including myself--just to heal so I can have a life.

Therapy does help. Even though you knew it was wrong, I did too, but I allowed it to continue. You do deserve to forgive yourself. What happened was not your fault. When I got married it was awful at first, I would never be seen nakie in front of my husband, I slept shirt, pants, and even socks, underclothing as well. I dressed in the bathroom, when we had our intimate moments lights off and I would NEVER be fully naked, it took a lot of therapy to help me through this. But I learned to forgive myself for the hatred I held towards myself for what happened. I was too scared to stop it for awhile, then I tried and other things made me let it continue. But we all have a past, no matter what kind it was, and we all deserve to heal from it and to allow forgiveness to ourselves.

If a new boyfriend gets serious enough, he will not make you feel that way. You do learn to trust and if he are the right one, love you, he will not push you. If you are able to be honest with him. It will happen when you are ready. Anything less on their part ...is not the right one, don't compromise on that.
The only forgiveness you need to give right now and in the future is to yourself, for thinking you had the control. That piece of work manipulated you and used your fear...Modus operandi (method of operation) for those dinks.

There are a few here that already posted that have also found the right one for them. So did I, even if it took me 5 years to trust him, I finally did. When that happens for you , you can drop all the masks and just be you. The truth will weed out the bad ones, listen to your heart.

I'm still asking myself the same thing. I won't deny it's hard and it takes a lot of work. Everything said here makes so much sense. I can't give you any advice or experience on what works or how long it will take. I can say I understand how you feel and I'm right there with you working on it. There are a lot of wonderful things said here I wouldn't have thought of myself.

Sending you lots of hugs.

Btw way welcome Bloopers, just in case i haven't yet said it.
I can't remember what a thumb is right now.
I am Jewell/ Jewells.

you were only seventeen, not even able to tell the difference yet. And he used threats against you of harming your family and boyfriend, I wonder how you could blame yourself, violet. he was skilled at his game, you were naive enough for him to manipulate you at the time.
Don't hurt your self by not trying to give yourself forgiveness. BTw now that you are eighteen, you can get counseling without mom's approval or input on your therapist, make your appointment now.
Hugs jewells

Thank you everyone who's responded to my post. I figured after a year the pain wouldn't be so bad but I feel same if not worse. I go for weeks without thinking about it then one day bam! All the feelings and memories come back. Jewells: I was stupid. I should have seen how crazy he was. It's my fault all that happened because I tried to get him and my boyfriend to be nice to each other. Not be friends but at least be nice. And that set sharron off somehow. I already tried to get help from someone at my church. I told them (2 people) about the abuse from home and she went and told my mom. Now I'm afraid to trust any adult who can help. Especially counselors. And the fact I went to a school counselor for depression and my mom told me when we got home how much I embarrassed her by getting called by the counselor to the school.

I'm gonna hit the broken record thing again, brace yourself:

HOW COULD YOU KNOW?!?! I was seventeen. How could I? And I knew that guy for real for in person for three flippin' years. Never had a clue till it was waaaay too late. Think that one over. It wasn't some guy I met on the 'net and stuff.... I knew him in person for 3 years. Saw every day at school. And if there were any warning signs about how bad it would get, they did a fly-by right past my brain, that's for dang sure.

At 18, you can seek counseling at free clinics and similar without parental permission or input, as Jewells said.

If you won't forgive yourself for erring like any other human, then bear in mind that during adolescence, hormones literally screw up brain chemisty to the point that psychiatrists efuse to diagnose personality disorders during adolescence b/c adolescence literally short-circuits the parts of your brain that help you think and process in a rational fashion. Biology was also not helping you out.

This isn't about your mom's embarrassment. It's about your pain. If you can find a place that offers counseling---a woman's center, etc.---go for it. Sooner is usually if not always better.

Gentlest purrs,
Leo

Are u mad? At me.

Nope, no anger, just being a bit more blunt than usual, sorry about that.

It's just I wennt through so much to get past that same damn self-blame thing.... to forgive myself.... for seeing what wasn't mine to see. I didn't yet have the "eyes" for it.... and when I did, I spent too much time beating me up for not seeing it then, like I somehow got retroactive knowledge.... I didn't... It just breaks my heart is all. I've been in that position of thinking "I should should shoulda and because I didn't, it's on me."

Not helped by my dad asaying all rape victims are to blame. (ANd he did not know about my rape, for that reason.)

I'm trying to express what 27 yeras has taught me about that kind of feeling, and it's kinda hard to do in just words. (And I know I sound like a broken record, LOL. I ugess I just wish someone had said that to me when I was your age. My first therapist said I was lying, so I got off to a bad start!)

And bear in mind I have no kids but if I did, the'yd be your age, so... THat's kicking in too. Mama Lioness trying to protect and it's not my job. I apolgoize for stepping over that boundary. Thwarted maternal impulses sneak up on me a lot. That's my issue, I shouldn't have brought it into your thread.

Just know that I firmly believe and will always believe you are worth love and forgivenes, and hope you'll let yourself off the hook. You truly didn't do anything to be "on" it in the first place.

Purring hugs,
Leo