It's difficult!!! I know. I still haven't opened up completely about mine and it carries a lot of self blame. I couldn't prosecute because of it. I couldn't tell my family, they still have no idea. I think it's a great thing you are here expressing yourself. It's a huge step. You're young and have so much healing to do and knowing this as young as you are is so awesome. You will be able to give yourself to the right person, and the right person will take you with open arms.

xo

Thank you by the way jewells.

LEO: don't worry about bringing up your past into this thread. I'm sorry you went through that. I'll never know how that feels to have someone take advantage of you like that. I was never sexually abused (unless you count the cyber sexual abuse from sharron. Someone told me that was considered cyber sexual abuse.) JEWELLS: I just am afraid of change. My parents don't even know that happened to me. So by telling them I want counseling they'll get all nosy and won't leave me alone until I tell them why and that's the last thing I want to happen. BLOOPERS: My family has no idea of what happened to me. The only "family" that knows is my boyfriend. I constantly tell him he shouldn't want to be with someone like me who has already exposed herself like that. I don't see why he's stayed with me through all of this.

He stayed b/c he sees that cyber-sexual-assault is a crime, committed against you, by someone who was apro at playing with your head, and he knows the real you is beautiful and strong. (If you want my opinion.)

Taken advantage of is taken advantage of, by a cyber-creep or a in-my-face-creep. I shared that so you know it's not always possible to see those creeps coming---until they've gone.

Gentlest hugs,
Leo

:'( do the "memories" ever go away?

I'm not sure how long it's been for you, but for myself they did go away for a very long time. BUT they were buried deep down. I do think once you are able to get through the deep emotions, just like grief, you might think of it, but it will be easier for you and not as often. My therapist keeps telling me this anyway.

I will be kinda blunt and horrible so TRIGGER WARNING:

I was 17 when I was raped.
I got married at 21. Still married to same guy.
Do the memories go away forever and ever? Nope.
Do they become like any other memories, where you remember them and their power is less? Yes, absolutely, therapy is hugely helpful for this. I can remember without reliving and triggering, which is huge, IMHO.
And you'll see memories differently over time. See the situation, the actions, so differently. I can't even describe that process, but it's how I got to self-forgiveness. Was able to go ahead and have a "normal" love life---my issues were far more from childhood abuse (body image wise especially).
I hated that I was "stupid" but... it's like ever yyear made it less important in my life. I'll note that within a year of the event I got counseling, so that was a lot of it, I suspect. If not all of it.

I didn't have a great healthy response to my situation. At all. I carried a freaking switchblade for a year, and pulled it on a guy who just made a casual pass at me. I continued throwing knives as a hobby for *years*. (Stopped b/c it made my hubby understandably nervous.) I was scared to be sexy for him (lingerie stuff) but... that faded, too.

I wish I could say the memories vanish forever. But they do not always *own* you. if that makes sense.....

It's been a year since it happened. I'm a little shocked my parents haven't found out about it.

Parents are amazingly blind at times... i found out today... about two hours ago... my mom had no idea my dad took me to bars with him when i was four. ooops. And dad's urn got ANOTHER turn upside down and a new religious icon stuck atop it. ....

i always figured she knew.

so.... just breathe easy and seek therapy or group support via a womens resource center, etc.... as you are not a minor, your parents do not have to be notified or involved unless you choose to do it.

many are free or offer inexpensive options etc., in my experience.

A s ever, healing purrs

Forgiveness is an act of Love. Perhaps it is human nature to believe that no one could ever do something as horrible or as wrong as "I" have. But that is where we are wrong. I won't go into my story, you can read my bio if you wish, but I had to learn how to forgive the man who murdered my mother, coerced me into lying for him to cover up his crime and forgive myself for not protecting her. May I suggest that you step aside for one moment and look at that woman you have pronounced judgement on. Does she deserve love and happiness? Of course she does. She realizes, you realize that what you did was wrong. You are not afraid to admit that. But now that is behind you, it is in the past. Focusing on it constantly has brought into the present. Now its time to begin focusing on the good that is within you. I know that you are having difficulty seeing it but look at yourself for the perspective of others, such as your parents. You had a moment in time where you blew it. But I am sure that you have had multiple times where you didn't. Start by focusing on those moments. Remember, Forgiveness is an act of Love.

But why should I forgive myself?

Would you forgive your daughter ? Your friend? Sister? A cousin? Classmate? Me? for being young, for making an error of judgment, for being in a lost lonely inner place?
for being imperfect?

would you love them, imperfections and all?

i think the answer is yes.

Do unto yourself as you would to others in your position. give the helping healing hug... to you.

I fear you may have fallen into a common mode of thinking... that only if we are perfect do we deserve love, forgiveness, success, etc.

i could wax philosophical about how this is all a manifestation of fear and loathing, but i am up way past my bedtime and am fuzzbrained, so just kknow you do not struggle alone, and we all find you worthy.

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Post-Traumatic_Stress_Disorder/forum/17343999-dissapointed-and-ashamed/page-6

Back in September we, you and I and many here went through this with you. I know you are only 18 now it has been a year...in that year you have hit the magic# of 18, an adult. I gave you a list of free support centers back then, but you were afraid to leave your mom's home or having her find out then. Well now that is out of the way. You need to get help. Cyber bullying which this guy did is now even more recognized. But as long as you fight with yourself to put off getting help ....we can't do it for you. A professional councilor can help heal you a lot better the sooner you start.

We can help support you, but now is the time to make those moves. As for loving yourself that too is a learned thing, not automatic, and your mother is a big culprit in the reasons you may have did with that guy, in the first place. She has not been good for your selfesteem for much longer than the incident took place.

Ask anyone here, it's hard to heal living with an abuser. So though you may loose a roof paid for by your parents, what is the real cost? Don't wait. I have watched for a few days you go round and round again with these same questions. Everyone makes mistakes in choices, unless they walk on water. But you want to get better? right? Now look up those places in your city I originally searched and be an hour late home from school and go. Mom can't get those record now. You need to start therapy now, because like MrG said you keep it current in you. You are doing the damage now , not the incident. We will be here to to support you on this. I look forward to your NEXT post telling me you have an appt.

Hugs Jewells.

I am suddenly reminded of my mother and her battles to fight off alcohol addiction, and then nicotine addiction.
She couldn't, until she wanted to.

Thinking obsessively on our traumas is an addiction of sorts--- I try to keep mine to my journal here and therapy and spend the rest of my day on other things---art therapy, catching up on stuff I meant to read but couldn't get to, expanding my humble little freelance from home work, etc.---and every moment not spent on active re-immersion in the past? Is a moment of my life I reclaim.

Just my last humble op-ed on this b/c I'm fairly well zonked out after my own PTSD go-round last night.

Peace and healing,
Leo

Wow, Leo. What you wrote was a powerful testimony of healing, a witness to the growth that comes with PTSD recovery, albeit slowly:

" I will be kinda blunt and horrible so TRIGGER WARNING:

I was 17 when I was raped.
I got married at 21. Still married to same guy.
Do the memories go away forever and ever? Nope.
Do they become like any other memories, where you remember them and their power is less? Yes, absolutely, therapy is hugely helpful for this. "

Thank you.

But Jewells. I can't. If I say to mom I want to go to counseling then she'll get all nosy and won't leave me alone unless I tell her why and then I'd have to tell her everything. Which I don't wanna do. That's why I'm waiting till I move out. Then she will never know or have a say in whether I go to counseling or not.