Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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I feel so discouraged, disillusioned, and confused right now. I allowed myself to get my hopes up, and just crashed and burned.
I posted a little while ago about having a really good day, and it was, and the next day was good too, and the next, and pretty soon, I felt like my old self! It felt like I was a real person again! Sure, everything wasn't perfect, but I felt normal, or like what I imagine normal is like...
I started to think things like...I can deal with this...I don't need to wait for the other shoe to drop, I can be happy....I don't need to worry all the time...I can do this. I started to do things again that make me happy, slowly but surely. I felt human, instead of like some sort of alien.
And then it was just gone.
Like waking up from a dream and reality sets back in. And it's more cruel for the fact that I am so keenly aware of what I am again missing. Knowing how I might be, but am not.
I am so sick of being so utterly riddled with triggers of so many different kinds that I cannot possibly hope to avoid them. So exhausted with keeping up with so many of them only to be blindsided by another and have all that effort turn out to be for naught. So tired of explaining and rehashing the ins and outs of this with my husband who still cannot grasp the nature of it and instead tries to "teach me a lesson" or scold me like a child for "treating" him in a way he does not like as I am in the midst of a flashback. And so completely gutted from my soul-sucking narcissistic-borderline mother's constant grasping, clawing neediness, belittling and passive-aggression that I walk around in a stupor, only acting the role of "me".
Back at square one. I hate this. I want to scream and rage at the unfairness of it. And at me for letting myself believe I could be anything but what I am.
I posted a little while ago about having a really good day, and it was, and the next day was good too, and the next, and pretty soon, I felt like my old self! It felt like I was a real person again! Sure, everything wasn't perfect, but I felt normal, or like what I imagine normal is like...
I started to think things like...I can deal with this...I don't need to wait for the other shoe to drop, I can be happy....I don't need to worry all the time...I can do this. I started to do things again that make me happy, slowly but surely. I felt human, instead of like some sort of alien.
And then it was just gone.
Like waking up from a dream and reality sets back in. And it's more cruel for the fact that I am so keenly aware of what I am again missing. Knowing how I might be, but am not.
I am so sick of being so utterly riddled with triggers of so many different kinds that I cannot possibly hope to avoid them. So exhausted with keeping up with so many of them only to be blindsided by another and have all that effort turn out to be for naught. So tired of explaining and rehashing the ins and outs of this with my husband who still cannot grasp the nature of it and instead tries to "teach me a lesson" or scold me like a child for "treating" him in a way he does not like as I am in the midst of a flashback. And so completely gutted from my soul-sucking narcissistic-borderline mother's constant grasping, clawing neediness, belittling and passive-aggression that I walk around in a stupor, only acting the role of "me".
Back at square one. I hate this. I want to scream and rage at the unfairness of it. And at me for letting myself believe I could be anything but what I am.
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Hey all, i know its been quite awhile since i posted on here. Its been a summer all right. Its been something else........... You know how they say not to open the can of worms? Well a few months ago i decided to find out what my due date would have been for my first baby, the one conceived by r***. My baby would have been due on March 4th of 2006. They would be 20 years old. I was R**** on June...
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My day...today...misplaced my debit card...didn't realize it until I got to the register after shopping to a full cart. Used a different debit card and pulled apart everything looking for missing debit card before I left parking lot. Got home, dropped keys. So now I have a missing debit card, missing keys. A full cartload to unload and put away. I got everything put away.Dumped purse for a...
But I also think that the more tools we acquire to use to help ourselves when we are triggered, the better we become at helping the bad times end quicker and the good times last longer. And that doing this over time the bad time waves seem smaller and we restore our sense of well being and begin to gain more confidence about our ability to interact with the world.
Please don't feel defeated. The negative backlash that hit you is normal, we all experience it. Please don't interpret it as failure. Improvement takes patience and persistence.
You can do this, yes you can.
Of course, that is no consolation on the day of a crash. Ouch.
Stay strong, Annie. Keep believing in yourself.
I used to describe my life -- due to disabling medical issues -- as "a treacherous climb up an icy, rocky, mountain ... wearing nothing but tennis shoes."
The only absolutely critical thing was ... not to fall.
Just ... don't fall. Momentum was all I had.
To fall, obviously, meant a tortuous slide back to the bottom, and ... who knows what sort of additional damage.
And -- of course -- I'm HERE (DS) because I got knocked down. Hard.
I spent a lot of time in my own head, convincing myself that I DID have it in me to let some of the damage heal, to find those tennis shoes again, and to begin that walk up that icy mountain, anew.
Because the alternatives ... suck ;-)
I'm sorry for the backslide. Please do remember that there are lots of us at the bottom of the mountain WITH you, or trying to get up that mountain ... yet again.
I wish you peace, health, and strength.
I like the way reply 3 put it....
Nothing stays constant forever for anyone.
I also like the term "human experience" raher than the "dumps"...Yeah the human experience is vast and wide.
And for us that know the extent of it dark side even wider.
Stay put in there and wait for the 33 ft waves to pass.
But I agree that the alternatives do suck. I've fallen down and ending up staring those sucky alternatives in the face up close. They've had their icy grip wrapped around me. But, just speaking for myself, I said no, to hell with that. For no other reason than that I just refuse to go out like that. It's my choice to be that hardheaded about staying alive if I want to. People make worse choices than that all the time.
So call me stupid, but I decided that it's good to be here, even in my tennis shoes on these icy ledges.
I hope you are doing a little better now.
Hugs
Wish I could say determined...but more like resigned to this path.
Thank you all for the support, it helps more than you know. :)
Yes at times we do feel like Sysiphus don't we? I've thought of that comparison before as well. Except it just feels that way, Now doesn't have to be forever. Change is embedded in life and Spring is coming.
I'm not being a Pollyanna about this, just know that when I am feeling ill-fated and destined to misery something comes along to make it easier. -Just my experience, and hope it will be your's too. hard work and persistence do pay off.
"let your mercy spill
on all these burning hearts in hell
if it be your will
to make us well"
An English singer named Antony sang it, not Cohen himself, but it seemed right. Here's the You Tube if you'd like to see and hear the whole song. I don't know why we feel like hell, but you're not alone.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1MDlMdu2gjw
"Just..don't fall".
There's a lot to learn with ourselves like letitbe said. Time and perseverance is crucial. Know you are not alone.