I don’t know where else to find help. Or even someone who understands.

I’ve been through therapy for years. I’ve seen a lot of progress with that but everyday I still carry this burden in my mind. 

I feel like I have a whole mountain to climb before my day even begins. And some days are so stressful for me mentally that I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, hoping I meet the bare minimum requirements of my responsibilities. 

I haven’t been able to sleep the last few weeks, I’m having nightmares again. I’m having intrusive thoughts again, and thoughts that run in circles most days. I’m just so exhausted with feeling in pain, and causing other people pain. Even when I don’t mean to, I seem to hurt the people I care about most. It makes me feel like a bad person. I feel a lot of guilt and shame around it all. some days it feels so defeating that I don't know how I'll continue managing it. The last few weeks have been more challenging for me than it has been in years.

I’m afraid to reach out and mention that I’m struggling this much. I don’t want to worry my friends and family. I’m just simply exhausted to keep battling this everyday. And i don’t think anyone understands. Everything on the outside looks great, I don’t know how they could possibly understand what I deal with even if I explained it.

My favorite quote is “no tree can grow to heaven unless it’s roots reach down to hell”. A quote by a psychologist named Carl Jung. Sometimes it gives me inspiration that I’ve been given this great pain for a purpose. That it’s my destiny to overcome this and guide the way for others going through it. I like to believe I can do this. But I fall back into this hole and can't seem to climb my way out fast enough.

Thank you for reading.