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The Therapy Funeral share focused my attention to the first round of suicidal ideation I have suffered since my last hospitalization in Spring of 1999. My fears of regression are quite intense this morning. They are pelting my thoughts like the rain on the swollen river a short distance from my motel room door. Said river is swollen enough that boats taller than 100 ft cannot pass under the Saint Louis bridges. Won't take much rain to do serious damage right now. . .
Again, my daily meditation reader offers a high fiber chew. My selfish hope is that typing -gently edited to fit my current day- it out will reinforce it in my chaotic thoughts.
"I thought that in every conflict, in every confrontation, someone was invariably at fault. It was essential to assign blame and I would stew for years weighing the evidence. I became a chronic scorekeeper. Because I approached every situation with this attitude, I was consumed by guilt and anger. Defensive and anxious, I made sure my own back was always covered.
"Peer support helps me understand that disputes come up even when everyone is doing their best. Obsessively reviewing everyone else's behavior focuses my attention where it doesn't belong and keeps me too busy to have any serenity. Instead, I can consider the part I -myself- have played. If I have made mistakes, I am free to make amends.
"Today I know that conflict is not necessarily an indication that someone is wrong. Difficulties may just arise. Sometimes people simply disagree.
"Today's Reminder
"Today I accept that each life has its share of conflict. It is not my job to document every such incident. Instead of wringing my hands and pointing my finger, I can consider the possibility that everything is happening exactly as it should. Sometimes blame is just an excuse to keep busy so that I don't have to feel the discomfort of my powerlessness.
"The mind grows by what it feeds on. ~Josiah G. Holland"
Just chewing . . .
Again, my daily meditation reader offers a high fiber chew. My selfish hope is that typing -gently edited to fit my current day- it out will reinforce it in my chaotic thoughts.
"I thought that in every conflict, in every confrontation, someone was invariably at fault. It was essential to assign blame and I would stew for years weighing the evidence. I became a chronic scorekeeper. Because I approached every situation with this attitude, I was consumed by guilt and anger. Defensive and anxious, I made sure my own back was always covered.
"Peer support helps me understand that disputes come up even when everyone is doing their best. Obsessively reviewing everyone else's behavior focuses my attention where it doesn't belong and keeps me too busy to have any serenity. Instead, I can consider the part I -myself- have played. If I have made mistakes, I am free to make amends.
"Today I know that conflict is not necessarily an indication that someone is wrong. Difficulties may just arise. Sometimes people simply disagree.
"Today's Reminder
"Today I accept that each life has its share of conflict. It is not my job to document every such incident. Instead of wringing my hands and pointing my finger, I can consider the possibility that everything is happening exactly as it should. Sometimes blame is just an excuse to keep busy so that I don't have to feel the discomfort of my powerlessness.
"The mind grows by what it feeds on. ~Josiah G. Holland"
Just chewing . . .
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My day...today...misplaced my debit card...didn't realize it until I got to the register after shopping to a full cart. Used a different debit card and pulled apart everything looking for missing debit card before I left parking lot. Got home, dropped keys. So now I have a missing debit card, missing keys. A full cartload to unload and put away. I got everything put away.Dumped purse for a...
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I don't really know how to label this but I having a rough week and I can't say it's one thing.... I have a lot on my plate which is nothing new and I try to cope in many positive ways and do but I still have my moments.My kids more so my daughters talk to me about everything which I know it's cause of comfort and we are close.... however I really struggle with the venting about their dad which...
As for relapse I went through a deep depression and at a certain point a while after is was well I was going through a difficult place again lots of triggers and feared that I would fall back into that pit. I was so thankful I didn't. I never want to go back to that feeling of hopelessness. I learned a lot though about myself and what took me there in the first place and found I had more resilience to fight it off. I pray that whatever got you through will strengthen your battle for today and to know it will pass. Nothing stays the same I just get to choose how I ride the storm. Do I want to be swamped by the waves, being driven down or am I going to walk on water. I don't control the storm I just control my response to it. Also it's nice to know that what you have you can't unhave you can never go back even if you wanted to...you are a changed person and that person in that last place you can never be again. You are in the present and even if circumstances are similar you will go through them differently. Going through difficult places isn't about going back it is going deeper than you could before. Where you are strong you will be stronger. Other areas may come up and be healed this time that couldn't last time. One thing that helped me in reliving some of my earlier trauma is that I found out I wouldn't go back. I needed to know that I could stand and not fall into depression now I don't fear it anymore I know it won't happen. But I have experienced lesser symptoms of depression that I can manage. ((Hugs))
Earlier in this thread, Jewells posted a set of theories which seem to coincide with one of my personal favorite theory sets. I think. My apologies, Jewells, if I misinterpreted. I am doing that allot these days. . . Still in episode, ya know. . . Feeling Fragile. . .
Within The Arfian synopsis of this theory, mental illness is a family disease. None of us choose it any more than my husband's family chose to have the Huntington's Gene or another family chooses Cystic Fibrosis, or even artistic talents, chronic perfection or a particular hair color. It is just life.
So thinketh The Arf. . . For as least as long as it takes to click my mighty mouse on "Add." Maybe even longer if I review after I post. . .
Thank you for your response, Heart. High fiber chew. . .
I can say I totally agree with the blame part. Some people's behavior is criminal or so toxic to others that they are to blame but I see it as not to give them a guilt trip but to put 2 and 2 together. Its just facts...
But what you wrote is beautiful.